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so my bestfriend/sister (yeah the one in sf that pissed me off because she made a "joke" about me being fat) emailed me and said this:

Also, sorry if i'm mean to you, i don't want to be mean i just want to make a joke and it be a low blow and then that person realize its a joke but still get the idea that i don't give a f*** what they say. ok i guess i do mean to be mean. S***. Sorry!!

I wrote this back:

low blows aren't cool when that person means something to you. you really did piss me off with that whole fat comment. It made me realize that I don't wish to confide in you about that subject anymore. because if you could use something like that, that is really important to me and make it into a "joke" then i don't think you need to know anything about that any further. you disrespected me. you know how i feel when people disrespect me. and for it to come from someone i call my sister really hurt. i'm not trying to be dramatic it's just something i've been thinking about and i rather you know then be like wtf theres crazy mal again. I'm not crazy. i just don't know the words to say when the moment happens. you think its funny and you think "thats how i am if you can't take it then f*** you" well its not like that..theres a difference between being tongue and cheek charming and being just plain rude. people aren't going to like you very much if you continue to "joke" with the low blows. you never used to be like that. you only did it to people that did it to you but now its like you do it to anybody that comes within 5 feet of you. I never did anything to you to deserve the comment you said.

So that's me confronting her. She's probably going to get defensive and try to fight with me about how dramatic i'm being blah blah, but I really don't care. I want her to know that I don't trust her with this issue anymore. That she has lost my trust. She's going to have to earn it back which i really doubt will happen because once something is said and done with me, that's it. There is no going back. At least its out there and she knows what she did is not acceptable. I have no problem laughing at myself, but when it turns into something other than a joke, then it has to end. Like I said before i will not be discussing any weight issues, diets, nutrition, and/or fitness regimes with her any further. Also anything to do with food, drinks, snacks, etc., I have terminated any and all forms of conversation. I don't mess around.

I think people think they can do that to me because I'm such a naturally laid back have fun kind of girl but I have feelings that run deeper than the image I portray on the outside. I usually let people slide and laugh everything off. I mean that's what I learned to do as a kid. I would be made fun of because I was the fat girl so I learned to just let it slide and ignore them. I couldn't go around fighting all of them or making a big production of telling off this kid or that kid because then all of them would come and make it worse. so i never said anything. I would just cry inside because i couldn't say or do anything. i kept it all in. I guess that's why its so hard for me to confront people...I wouldn't say anything to that person when the situation is happening...I would just turn off and become numb. Thats the only way i knew how to deal with people that hurt me. i think i'm getting better now because when someone hurts me i tell them right then and there. I'm beginning to stand up for myself. Its just so hard when you're so used to doing something one way and then changing that. like developing courage and losing weight..i guess they go hand and hand.

If I don't like others disrespecting me then why am I disrespecting myself by being fat? by choosing junk food to put into my body and killing it??? well not anymore! I'm going to respect and love myself from now on and forever.



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