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Feeling Guilty


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I'm two weeks away from my surgery (2 weeks tomorrow!) and I'm having second thoughts because I feel like I'm being so selfish for doing this, and taking $8500 from my family. I tell myself all the reasons why I'm actually doing it for them too (better health, more energy, etc...) but I still feel guilty. Then comes the shame part of not having ever been able to keep the weight off on my own. If I only I were___________. Fill in the blank...stronger, more disciplined, blessed with a better metabolism. The fat person's mantra that always ends in with thoughts that if I were any of those fill-in-the-blanks, I'd be a better person, more lovable, more worthy, blah blah blah.

Anyone else feel this way before surgery? After?

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I'm two weeks away from my surgery (2 weeks tomorrow!) and I'm having second thoughts because I feel like I'm being so selfish for doing this, and taking $8500 from my family. I tell myself all the reasons why I'm actually doing it for them too (better health, more energy, etc...) but I still feel guilty. Then comes the shame part of not having ever been able to keep the weight off on my own. If I only I were___________. Fill in the blank...stronger, more disciplined, blessed with a better metabolism. The fat person's mantra that always ends in with thoughts that if I were any of those fill-in-the-blanks, I'd be a better person, more lovable, more worthy, blah blah blah.

Anyone else feel this way before surgery? After?

Heather,

Yes I felt as you do. Your family I am sure puts a higher value on your health and happiness than $8500, 20,000 or even 100,000. This journey is however not about their needs. It is about yours. Accept that you deserve this and embrace the feeling of well being that is to come. Don't fight it with guilt. It isn't worth it. I've been there and I'm not about to go back and niether should you. Even if you don't feel like it you have already stepped away from the old you by setting a surgery date. Embrace what is to come and savour the anticipation like you would the purchase of a new car or a trip to a holiday spot of your dreams. That is simplistic because those things won't change your life to the degree this will. Enjoy every moment of the process and learn from it. Don't look back. I do know how you feel. A small part of me is still there but it grows smaller by the day. By making yourself a stronger human being your family will automatically reap the benefits. Focus on accepting change and the truly good things to come!

Best wishes and congratulations on your decision to make "You" a priority! Kevin

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Heather,

Yes I felt as you do. Your family I am sure puts a higher value on your health and happiness than $8500, 20,000 or even 100,000. This journey is however not about their needs. It is about yours. Accept that you deserve this and embrace the feeling of well being that is to come. Don't fight it with guilt. It isn't worth it. I've been there and I'm not about to go back and niether should you. Even if you don't feel like it you have already stepped away from the old you by setting a surgery date. Embrace what is to come and savour the anticipation like you would the purchase of a new car or a trip to a holiday spot of your dreams. That is simplistic because those things won't change your life to the degree this will. Enjoy every moment of the process and learn from it. Don't look back. I do know how you feel. A small part of me is still there but it grows smaller by the day. By making yourself a stronger human being your family will automatically reap the benefits. Focus on accepting change and the truly good things to come!

Best wishes and congratulations on your decision to make "You" a priority! Kevin

Thank you, Kevin. You actually brought tears to my eyes with your eloquence. I also feel like I HAVE to make this work. I'm afraid of failing for my family's sake for a number of reasons. I know I can do it, but also sort of feel like Lucy Ricardo here with another hair-brained scheme...

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  • 4 weeks later...

I know how you are feeling. I am just now starting the whole process...referral appointment, seminar and etc. I have a 15 (almost 16) year old daughter who also suffers from obesoty and she is not eligible for surgery until she is 18 and then insurance will cover. My insurance will cover me now (my doctor is sure because of my weight and problems with my knees, hips and etc from weight bearing) Anyway....I talked with my daughter and explained everything to her and she is upset. She doesn't want to be heavy either and there is nothing that I can do for her but she wants me to be healthier. I just feel guilty and like I am 'abandoning her'. I bought the nutrisystem for her to try. I have lost in the past with phen phen and I have tried about everything on the market and haven't been able to maintain and now I haven't lost anything. No matter how hard I try. I have gained so much and now it hurts to be on my feet and standing for to long. I just feel like I can't 'justify' doing this for myself and hurting her.

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I know how you are feeling. I am just now starting the whole process...referral appointment, seminar and etc. I have a 15 (almost 16) year old daughter who also suffers from obesoty and she is not eligible for surgery until she is 18 and then insurance will cover. My insurance will cover me now (my doctor is sure because of my weight and problems with my knees, hips and etc from weight bearing) Anyway....I talked with my daughter and explained everything to her and she is upset. She doesn't want to be heavy either and there is nothing that I can do for her but she wants me to be healthier. I just feel guilty and like I am 'abandoning her'. I bought the nutrisystem for her to try. I have lost in the past with phen phen and I have tried about everything on the market and haven't been able to maintain and now I haven't lost anything. No matter how hard I try. I have gained so much and now it hurts to be on my feet and standing for to long. I just feel like I can't 'justify' doing this for myself and hurting her.

She COULD have the surgery now, in MX if you were willing or able to pay for it. If not, don't feel guilty anyway. Just think of it, as you are being the "guinea pig" so to speak. If it works for you, (which we are sure it will) then you know it will work for her. She will benefit from you being smaller, AND so will you. It will be a learning experience for her too. She will see what YOU had to do, and will know what SHE needs to do when the time comes. You are older, and have battled with this longer than she has, and are having health problems related to your weight. She should realize that it is a priority for you. Besides looks like you have done what you could for her as far as checking with Ins, etc. Tell her to just be THANKFUL that insurance will cover it when she's older. Most of us can't get insurance coverage AT ALL.

Hang in there, it will all work out!

Donna

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I'm two weeks away from my surgery (2 weeks tomorrow!) and I'm having second thoughts because I feel like I'm being so selfish for doing this, and taking $8500 from my family. I tell myself all the reasons why I'm actually doing it for them too (better health, more energy, etc...) but I still feel guilty. Then comes the shame part of not having ever been able to keep the weight off on my own. If I only I were___________. Fill in the blank...stronger, more disciplined, blessed with a better metabolism. The fat person's mantra that always ends in with thoughts that if I were any of those fill-in-the-blanks, I'd be a better person, more lovable, more worthy, blah blah blah.

Anyone else feel this way before surgery? After?

Heather, I know exactly how you feel. I thought MAN, that is a lot of money we could go to Disney World a couple of times with that, or you name it! But then I thought about what kind of mother I am. I don't want to take the kids to the pool, because I wouldn't be SEEN in public in a swimsuit. I don't really want to take them to the park. I have no energy to PLAY with them, and end up sitting on the bench! I'm missing out on SO much, and they are paying for it too.

They would LOVE for me to be out there playing with them, even MORE than I wish I could! So, it benefits them A LOT. And who wouldn't give 8500 to have their mother around longer?? My hubby benefits, because he get's to have his skinny wife back, and even though he has NEVER said a thing about my weight, I KNOW he would like that! And, me. I get so depressed about my weight that I blow a fuse at the drop of a hat. I'm irritable a lot of the time, and short with the kids and my hubby. That will change too, and they WILL notice it. That makes their life better too.

They wouldn't be mad if you had a heart attack and had to go to the hospital to get it fixed. You have the disease called "obesity." So what do you do? Go to the doctor and get it fixed! It benefits EVERYONE.

I also worried about, what if something happens to me in the OR, and I never see my kids again??? Dr. Ortiz has never had a mortality, and as he says, "he plans to keep it that way." You are in GREAT hands, so try to relax!

Donna

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