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How do I learn to let go?? Need help!


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I want to thank everyone who responded to my plea, I was truely giving up on my band and my weight loss. After reading some articles that Jann sent me, it got me to thinking about underlying "issues" that I have.

I realize, without a doubt, that I have self esteem problems. Without telling my whole life story lets just say that I'm not proud of my past. I've NEVER [even as a child] liked myself. I always kept people at arms length, no one liked me, not even family, I didn't like them and I hate[d] myself. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

Although I feel I am a better person NOW, [still room for improvement] I can't let go of the horrible, horrible person I used to be.

How do I do that? I have no money to go to therapy, Hubby's insurance sucks.

How do I accept my past, let it go and look at the present and future? How do I face people from my past who may have "comments" for me? I want to live the rest of my life happy and healthy and at least try to forgive myself for what I've said and done years ago.

Just writing this and finally "admitting" that these issues exsist is like a big burden lifted from me.

My name is Darlene, I have an absolute sucky past but I want to let it go.... I want to forgive and live.

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Darlene,

You are making the first step to helping yourself. I commend you for your bravery to admit and express your innermost feelings so that you can truly get help.

My mother always tells me: Hindsight is 20/20. Whenever we look back at specific events, occurrences, or even life itself, we are often filled with doubt about everything that happened, and wonder what we could've done differently to change the bad things that came about. But that won't help--it was the PAST. At the time, there was a reason for everything that was going on, and those details seem to always be hidden from our memories.

From the beginning of time, people have been living for the future--not dwelling on the past. Do you think that we could be as technologically and medically (lapband :)) advanced had scientists and inventors not thought about what COULD be in the future, and not just think about the past?

I often think about the "wrong" things that I've done in life--and guess what--many of them are because I was fat. Because I was in such a pissy mood that I snapped at people, or have done much worse. My personality has changed now, no doubt. There's no way I can go around now and apologize to everyone individually, so I've taken on a sort of "general repentance" thing--losing weight. I figure if I can change myself through losing weight then I'm sort of fixing the problems that I caused when I was fat.

Darlene, you possess the very strength to turn yourself around--you already have. You are traveling down the right road, and at the end lies a happy and healthier you.

You can picture this as starting over, if you so desire. You can create a future that may have never been possible without the tools you now posses.

I wish you luck, and offer my help in anything else for which you might need it.

--TRS

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I want to thank everyone who responded to my plea, I was truely giving up on my band and my weight loss. After reading some articles that Jann sent me, it got me to thinking about underlying "issues" that I have.

I realize, without a doubt, that I have self esteem problems. Without telling my whole life story lets just say that I'm not proud of my past. I've NEVER [even as a child] liked myself. I always kept people at arms length, no one liked me, not even family, I didn't like them and I hate[d] myself. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

Although I feel I am a better person NOW, [still room for improvement] I can't let go of the horrible, horrible person I used to be.

How do I do that? I have no money to go to therapy, Hubby's insurance sucks.

How do I accept my past, let it go and look at the present and future? How do I face people from my past who may have "comments" for me? I want to live the rest of my life happy and healthy and at least try to forgive myself for what I've said and done years ago.

Just writing this and finally "admitting" that these issues exsist is like a big burden lifted from me.

My name is Darlene, I have an absolute sucky past but I want to let it go.... I want to forgive and live.

Something about you moves me, Darlene. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy you aren't giving up. You are worth it. I grew up in a totally dysfunctional family with a beyond abusive mother. To this day she is till bitter and twisted but she is still my mom. Anyway long story short, despite my successes later in life I turned it all inward and on myself. I began to hate me I think because that was something I had control over. I have total self esteem issues. I know I do. I keep people in my real life very much at arm's length and it takes a while for people to get close. When they do get in I wrap them in cocoons of love but it's a helluva journey to get there and I appreciate that. I'm working on that. We all at the end of the day carry some kind of baggage in varying extremes.

You always speak in such hard concrete terms. I rather doubt you are a horrible, horrible person. Did you kill a kid? A puppy? A kitten? I work with homicide -- I know the very definition of a horrible, horrible person and I rather doubt you match up. You want to be a happy healthy girly. It's totally doable. I have found that if you move on others will too. There will be those who won't participate in your journey. So be it. Just keep moving forward. People will see the changes in you and they will act accordingly. Only you can stop you, I promise you that. Don't hinge your future on external stuff and history. It comes from within. People aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you may think. Some of your perspective is just you! Step back, fix what you can and move on. The rest becomes just that -- history.

Hugs! Keep going girly. You know you can do it!

Jann

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Jann you said everything so well. I second most of the stuff you said but you said it so much better.

BRAVO Darlene.

I am so glad you are not giving up. Yes the band forces us all to face the issues that helped to make us fat, whether we want to admit them or not.

:lb4:

Thank you Julie, and yup, I totally agree, this journey isn't just about pounds.

Jann

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Hey, I am screwed up too! Been in therapy lots of times, also taking anti-depressants. I came from a really disfunctional family but I met a nice stable guy and had a wonderful family, three daughters. Food is definatly my drug...I am thankful however that it is because I lost my cousin Sherry two years ago to a drug overdose, we came from the same type of disfunction, our mothers were both severly sexually abused for their whole childhoods. I could have ended up like her but I chose food over drugs and alcohol. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

KIM

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Darlene,

You are making the first step to helping yourself. I commend you for your bravery to admit and express your innermost feelings so that you can truly get help.

My mother always tells me: Hindsight is 20/20. Whenever we look back at specific events, occurrences, or even life itself, we are often filled with doubt about everything that happened, and wonder what we could've done differently to change the bad things that came about. But that won't help--it was the PAST. At the time, there was a reason for everything that was going on, and those details seem to always be hidden from our memories.

From the beginning of time, people have been living for the future--not dwelling on the past. Do you think that we could be as technologically and medically (lapband :)) advanced had scientists and inventors not thought about what COULD be in the future, and not just think about the past?

I often think about the "wrong" things that I've done in life--and guess what--many of them are because I was fat. Because I was in such a pissy mood that I snapped at people, or have done much worse. My personality has changed now, no doubt. There's no way I can go around now and apologize to everyone individually, so I've taken on a sort of "general repentance" thing--losing weight. I figure if I can change myself through losing weight then I'm sort of fixing the problems that I caused when I was fat.

Darlene, you possess the very strength to turn yourself around--you already have. You are traveling down the right road, and at the end lies a happy and healthier you.

You can picture this as starting over, if you so desire. You can create a future that may have never been possible without the tools you now posses.

I wish you luck, and offer my help in anything else for which you might need it.

--TRS

I love your commonsense approach to this. You are well on your way to great success, girly! I still recall stupid things I did from 20 years ago that make me cringe to this day. There just comes a time that you have to let go. People have very short memories for the most part. No one is harder on us than us in my opinion.

Thanks for that,

Jann

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Darlene,

You are making the first step to helping yourself. I commend you for your bravery to admit and express your innermost feelings so that you can truly get help.

My mother always tells me: Hindsight is 20/20. Whenever we look back at specific events, occurrences, or even life itself, we are often filled with doubt about everything that happened, and wonder what we could've done differently to change the bad things that came about. But that won't help--it was the PAST. At the time, there was a reason for everything that was going on, and those details seem to always be hidden from our memories.

From the beginning of time, people have been living for the future--not dwelling on the past. Do you think that we could be as technologically and medically (lapband :)) advanced had scientists and inventors not thought about what COULD be in the future, and not just think about the past?

I often think about the "wrong" things that I've done in life--and guess what--many of them are because I was fat. Because I was in such a pissy mood that I snapped at people, or have done much worse. My personality has changed now, no doubt. There's no way I can go around now and apologize to everyone individually, so I've taken on a sort of "general repentance" thing--losing weight. I figure if I can change myself through losing weight then I'm sort of fixing the problems that I caused when I was fat.

Darlene, you possess the very strength to turn yourself around--you already have. You are traveling down the right road, and at the end lies a happy and healthier you.

You can picture this as starting over, if you so desire. You can create a future that may have never been possible without the tools you now posses.

I wish you luck, and offer my help in anything else for which you might need it.

--TRS

Hello trs,

I guess some of the stuff I did growing up was because I was fat, but I think alot of it was because I never liked myself or respected myself. I was nasty, mean, hurtful, spiteful, hateful.... I grew up with a mother who hated herself and everyone around her. I remember, as a kid her commenting on women who "liked themselves". [Those were women who had confidence and actually were comfortable with themselves.] Mother hated them with a passion and felt they weren't shit and had no business walking with their noses in the air.

I was never told I was pretty or that I looked nice or whatever, I was miserable and my personality showed it. I know I can't appologize to everyone either, that would take the rest of my life! :lb12: I have to learn how to let go of the old me and work on the new and improved me. I have a family to think about and I need to get my shit together. I'm a work in progress so you all may need to hear me whine for awhile yet!! ;)

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Something about you moves me, Darlene. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy you aren't giving up. You are worth it. I grew up in a totally dysfunctional family with a beyond abusive mother. To this day she is till bitter and twisted but she is still my mom. Anyway long story short, despite my successes later in life I turned it all inward and on myself. I began to hate me I think because that was something I had control over. I have total self esteem issues. I know I do. I keep people in my real life very much at arm's length and it takes a while for people to get close. When they do get in I wrap them in cocoons of love but it's a helluva journey to get there and I appreciate that. I'm working on that. We all at the end of the day carry some kind of baggage in varying extremes.

You always speak in such hard concrete terms. I rather doubt you are a horrible, horrible person. Did you kill a kid? A puppy? A kitten? I work with homicide -- I know the very definition of a horrible, horrible person and I rather doubt you match up. You want to be a happy healthy girly. It's totally doable. I have found that if you move on others will too. There will be those who won't participate in your journey. So be it. Just keep moving forward. People will see the changes in you and they will act accordingly. Only you can stop you, I promise you that. Don't hinge your future on external stuff and history. It comes from within. People aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you may think. Some of your perspective is just you! Step back, fix what you can and move on. The rest becomes just that -- history.

Hugs! Keep going girly. You know you can do it!

Jann

Thanks again Jann..... you know how to lift my spirits and we don't even know each other!!

You have done one thing that I won't ever do, you seem to have forgiven your mother and moved on. That's awesome for you if it's what you want and need in your life. My mother told me 4 yearsa ago that she didn't have a daughter named Darlene anymore and I'm holding her to it this time. [been through this crap before and she'll never do it to me again!] I know I have alot of issues to deal with but the past 4 years have been some of the sainest I've had in my entire life.

There's COUNTLESS memories from my past that make me cringe....... and this is what I have to work on letting go.

I didn't kill a kid or an animal or anything but like I said, I was such a nasty kid\adult. I had a huge chip on my shoulder and people who were around me paid for it. I know I have to quit dwelling on the old me, but how I'm going to do it is the question??? Baby steps, right?

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Hey, I am screwed up too! Been in therapy lots of times, also taking anti-depressants. I came from a really disfunctional family but I met a nice stable guy and had a wonderful family, three daughters. Food is definatly my drug...I am thankful however that it is because I lost my cousin Sherry two years ago to a drug overdose, we came from the same type of disfunction, our mothers were both severly sexually abused for their whole childhoods. I could have ended up like her but I chose food over drugs and alcohol. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

KIM

OK Kim....

Kim and Darlene both have issues and want to get happy and healthy ;) I'm on antidepressants too. I've been on them for years and they keep the boo-hoo sessions to a minimum. Too bad they don't make a pill that can help you forget certain parts of your life!

Food is my drug too, I have druggies and alcoholics in my family but I chose food. I did drink in my younger years but thankfully it didn't get totally out of control.

We'll work on this together..... I'm so thank ful for everyone on this forum!!

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Jann you said everything so well. I second most of the stuff you said but you said it so much better.

BRAVO Darlene.

I am so glad you are not giving up. Yes the band forces us all to face the issues that helped to make us fat, whether we want to admit them or not.

:lb4:

I don't want to give up, I truely don't. With the help of all you woderful people on this forum, I think this is gonna work!

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Hello trs,

I guess some of the stuff I did growing up was because I was fat, but I think alot of it was because I never liked myself or respected myself. I was nasty, mean, hurtful, spiteful, hateful.... I grew up with a mother who hated herself and everyone around her. I remember, as a kid her commenting on women who "liked themselves". [Those were women who had confidence and actually were comfortable with themselves.] Mother hated them with a passion and felt they weren't shit and had no business walking with their noses in the air.

I was never told I was pretty or that I looked nice or whatever, I was miserable and my personality showed it. I know I can't appologize to everyone either, that would take the rest of my life! :lb12: I have to learn how to let go of the old me and work on the new and improved me. I have a family to think about and I need to get my shit together. I'm a work in progress so you all may need to hear me whine for awhile yet!! ;)

Wow, we totally have the same mom. Frightening.

Jann

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Thanks again Jann..... you know how to lift my spirits and we don't even know each other!!

You have done one thing that I won't ever do, you seem to have forgiven your mother and moved on. That's awesome for you if it's what you want and need in your life. My mother told me 4 yearsa ago that she didn't have a daughter named Darlene anymore and I'm holding her to it this time. [been through this crap before and she'll never do it to me again!] I know I have alot of issues to deal with but the past 4 years have been some of the sainest I've had in my entire life.

There's COUNTLESS memories from my past that make me cringe....... and this is what I have to work on letting go.

I didn't kill a kid or an animal or anything but like I said, I was such a nasty kid\adult. I had a huge chip on my shoulder and people who were around me paid for it. I know I have to quit dwelling on the old me, but how I'm going to do it is the question??? Baby steps, right?

As selfish as this may sound, you don't forgive for their sake. You do it for your own. My dad has cancer, my mom absolutely treated him like crap and in fact said point blank "I hope it kills you" when he was diagnosed. When he left her she blamed me. It was my fault not hers. She abused him for 54 years and he just wasn't gonna stick around anymore. Yay for him! Dad stayed for the kids. I'm like, "Uhm, we're all in our 30's, 40's and 50's now" DUH! He actually told me getting cancer was the best thing that ever happened to him. It gave him the will to break his complacency and he found out there was love in the world. He's with another woman now who unfortunately also has cancer that she thought was in remission. She just found out she's not and it's in her lymphatic system. We're not hopeful.

In the interim, Mom hasn't talked to me in months except for when my aunt told her I was on life support in August. She called me, told me she loved me and hung up. She hasn't returned my 32 calls since. She's told my five brothers and my aunts that she doesn't have any daughters. I don't own that, she does. When she dies, and she will, she's in renal kidney failure, I won't cry for her, I'll cry for the tragedy of the loss of who she could have been.

As for how you are going to do it, that's simple. Let the past go. Stop worrying about how you will be received. It will cripple you. As you change positively so will the environment around you. Those that choose not to forgive have that right, concentrate on the ones who do and the new people you meet knowing that you own what you have done but you have moved forward.

Jann

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*knock knock*

I too have issues, BUT I've suppressed them for so long that every now and then a ghost will slip out from under the closet door and I have to deal with it, one day at a time.

An excellent but old book, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

The best advice I can give is to don't look back. We all made mistakes when we were younger. The people that we were not nice to probably don't even remember who we are or remember the incident. You need to learn to love yourself. You are not a bad person. Move forward, learn from your past mistakes and if you slip up, dust yourself off and stand back up and keep moving forward. We are only human and I know I didn't get the handbook on life, did you? :huh:

All we can do is do our best. Good luck, keep coming here to vent.

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It takes true grit to admit when you've done wrong. You're owning your stuff which is never easy, but so healthy in the end.

If you ever want to read a great book that helped me tons, read Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's an amazing book and you seem like from your posts that you're in a good place to hear the message.

Good wishes for you and your future!

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