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artificial


babymk

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so for a minute i had thing for crystal light, but of course i'm not anymore because i read the ingredients. it contains aspartame which contains methanol which is an ingredient found in embalming fluid. but wow did it taste delicious. so i'm on the hunt for something to flavor my water minus the embalming fluid...ha. i found this thing called "zenergize" it's basically a supplement tablet. i got raspberry green tea flavor. it just gives the right amount of kick to my water.

so my coworkers and friends are like so amazed by my weight loss. my one friend was like how much have you lost and i said 131lbs. he was like you're doing good. you look like a completely different person. he said i didn't look the same anymore and i was wondering what he meant. then i said was i really that obese before?? then he was like you want me to be real? and i said well yeah...then he was like yes you were. and i was like oh ok...i mean it doesn't really matter now but it's kind of annoying to think that's how people saw you. i mean of course they see you physically but i mean i'm more than just that. and the thing is people that knew me didn't see me just as the "fat girl". but to others that don't know me i guess i was just that fat girl...well technically i still am...i mean i still have 79lbs to lose and that's not a little. but compared to 100+ that's pretty much nothing right ha. My friend says I'm skinny now and i do not believe that at all. To be 79lbs from the weight you were meant to be is not skinny.

so i found this weight chart, broken down by frame size, height, and sex.

5'5" - 117-130 / 127-141 / 137-155

so i guess i'm about 69-79lbs away from being healthy. which is a great GREAT accomplishment from being 131lbs overweight before. i just got really happy because i can't believe i'm actually doing it. the band was probably the best thing and smartest thing i have ever done in my life. but i hate when people find out. they make me feel like i "cheated". cheated HA! I could have not used my band at all. i could have kept stuffing my face with the wrong foods and not lose any weight or lose minimally. my friend also got the band maybe 4 months after me or so i'm not sure but she wasn't that far behind from me. anyway our weight loss difference has been significant. everybody can physically see my weight loss. it's kind of a dramatic difference but my friend's its sorta like oh you lost some weight but nothing as "dramatic" as mine. i've realized it's because she has not changed her eating habits. everybody constantly asks me how are you losing weight and i'm like fix what you eat. it's all about the foods you put into your body. if you eat junk your body will be exactly that, junk. well ha exception the boys in life. they eat everything disgustingly bad for them and it's like it just flushes out of their system! ANNOYING. especially gio ugh how frustrating! he will sit there and eat fast food before a modeling shoot and he's just like whatever normal. but you really can't eat that forever it will catch up with you in the long run. gio is just really active. he's always running around town doing something so he can eat like that without a hitch.

speaking of gio..he went to see some psychic card reader lady last night and she told him i was in love with him and that i'm angry because i didn't receive affection in my life from my father. HAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA what a load of crock. i love gio but i am definitely not in love with him. he is a huge disaster and we have nothing in common well other than the fact that we understand and care about each other immensely, like family. my feelings are very strong. i'm dramatic and extremely intense. i wish i wasn't because people mistake it for insanity hahahaaa! but anyway when my feelings come out they're so strong that people misinterpret them for something that it's not. like gio thinking i'm in love with him when that's not the case. i'm into alternative music and lots of underground things. and he's all mainstream and prep. I actually like to read and enjoy intellectual endeavors and he has no patience for books only car magazines. i mean seriously now. he is far too shallow for me and i can't stand him most days. he's always grouchy and/or saying something rude. why would i ever be in love with someone like that? if i ever was, trust me, i'm quickly falling out of love.

and affection from my father....my father was a mess he had a huge alcoholic problem and loved his alcohol more than his family. my mom being the smartest and most loving mom ever said you know what that's not what i want for my children to grow up with a man who rather drink his life away. Do i feel like i'm missing out? no. am i angry at my mother for taking us away from a man who didn't know what the word father meant? no. i am unbelievably grateful towards her. am i angry that i didn't receive affection from a fatherly figure? ehh maybe but not really. the way life worked out i think it was meant to be and i'm not angry about the past . you can't change the past so why be upset about it in your present which would only mess up your future.

also that psychic said something about me being angry with my mother as well for not showing enough affection. BAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i'm just not a mushy gushy person. my mom knew that about me as a child and as an adult. my mom is wayyy affectionate but i hate it. i hate the "smothering" because i'm so independent. as a child i hated being "the child". i wanted to be an adult so bad. i hated being treated like i didn't understand when i understood completely. when i was about 12 years old we went to germany to visit my family and my aunt was always like the "kinder" (means children in german) need to be over there. and i was like AHHH i'm not a child!! stop treating me like i can't walk across the street without getting hit by a bus! i can look both ways and move my legs to get across the street thank you very much!

you know what made me really angry was the implication that because i didn't "receive affection" i was not loved. that i don't feel loved enough and thus far am an angry bitter person and my mother is a bad mother. do you know how much it infuriates me to no end when someone talks or implies vicious lies against my mother. my cousin said something awful about my mother and i still have not fully forgave her. it has been a year. so if gio thinks implying my mother does not love me he will not know what wrath is until he gets a taste of mine. nobody talks bad about my mother. nobody.

anyway this morning when gio picked me up i was trying to explain everything i had felt and analyzed that night when i was by myself. actually i had gone to the gym and jogged on the treadmill nonstop for 10 minutes then walked 20 but fast pace of course. so i had time to clear my mind and really think about what this psychic was saying about me. anyway i told gio i was not in love with him. and he got a bit angry because he said you admitted to it last night why are you trying to lie now. i said because i'm not. my feelings are being misconstrued. i don't clearly understand them myself so who are you to say that you know how i feel when i don't even know how i feel? so i analyzed the situation and i am clearly not in love with him. at first i was highly infatuated with him but now it's turning into something more steady, stable, and comfortable. the psychic told him that deep down inside i was in love with him. and yes he is in the core of my heart because of all he has done for me. he has made me a better person simply by just being him. i'm in love with that. i'm in love with him for making me finally love myself. i get it now. but i'm not going to tell him that because he wouldn't get it. he just thinks i'm in love with him and want to marry him like some crazed obsessed fanatic ha. i think he likes the idea of me being "in love" with him because when i tried to tell him i was not he was getting so angry. then he would say things like ha i just caught you staring at me you are so in love with me and i was like hahahahaa you're such a loser! anyway i'm over this.

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