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eyes wide open


babymk

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hey hey happy new year! so last night and earlier this morning i went to a party with gio and his friends right. so anyway there is this like drunk girl talking to us and i guess she knows him and his friends or whatever and i was like oh she's pretty and skinny...then a conversation started up where she revealed that she used to weight 220lbs i looked at her and was like hmm interesting then she was like yeah i weigh "a buck thirty"now but i used to weigh 220...then i asked her how she lost the weight and she told me she started running...can you believe it running??? i didn't get into any more details with her because she was kinda rambling but then a wave of sheer determination mixed in with envy and discontempt made me feel really really weird. all of a sudden i couldn't speak and i started getting lost in thought. gio wasn't too aware of my awkwardness or silence because he was having wayy too much which i think kinda of made me even more distant than usual. i really wanted to be social but i had just had too much too think about. then for about 5 minutes or so i couldn't find gio and i left the party at 1230am..yeah i know i left so early but i couldn't stand around anymore. plus i was definitely a little bit annoyed with gio's behavior..i mean i know he's not innocent and he really is eccentric but still...eh its his life. i mean i would never in all my life ever do half the things he was doing..but i'm really different than most people my age. i don't drink, smoke or do drugs. i have really high morals. i respect myself first. so when i see people doing the things they were doing last night i'm really appalled because i can't believe someone could have absolutely no respect for themself to do whatever it is they were doing. i know its all supposed to be for fun and laughs but still...i don't think i'm uptight and i really don't think i'm not openminded i very much am but there are just certain things i will never approve of...you can call me miss goody two shoes but i'm sticking to my beliefs.

so standing in a room full of strangers made me realize what was i doing there? not just there but here..everywhere! i mean what am i doing with my life??! i mean it felt like the hugest analogy possible. it slapped me across the face and i'm just so eyes wide open/awake now. so i'm going to start exercising again like really exercising sweating and can't breathe kind of thing. i'm going to start studying so in February i can past the test to get into grad school. i'm kind of done with this town especially the people. i want to start somewhere new i want to start my life. i am going to make my goal by summer maybe even faster if i stop cold turkey with the bad eating period. for all i care i wouldn't ever miss the taste of a cookie. so there.

well gio was kind of upset with me for leaving without saying goodbye and he was like why are you acting like this and i was like i'm fine...yeah so i kinda lied to him...well its not a lie i mean i am fine i had fun and it was a good experience i mean it made me have this awesome epiphany about life, well about my life anyway. i'm kind of bothered by the fact that i like gio so much. not like like but like as a person...i'm sorta becoming dependent on him well i was...until last night...it made me realize omg i am so dependent on him that i don't know who i am anymore. i wait around for him to call me or text and its not even him its my other friends too. i've become dependent on all of them! YUCK! i have never ever been dependent on anyone other than myself and mom of course. but really now! i am hugely upset with myself for letting anybody have control/power over me. they don't control me or tell me what to do its just that i'm so obliging and willing its really disgusting...well you know what from now on i'm going to start using the word no. or i'm busy even if i'm not. they have to realize that i am not there lil go to missy and they can just snap their fingers and i'll be there in 15/20 minutes. no more!

i feel bad for saying this but maybe i was wrong about gio...maybe when he's around me and we're alone he acts a different way than when he's with other people. but i like the gio that is around me only. hmm maybe i'm just being selfish...

i have to take care of myself now. and that means losing this last 88lbs! and just moving up and on with my life. i'm done being stuck in this dependent dream world i've built around myself for the past 2 years. anyways maybe i should start jogging or something ;)

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