Ok, first of all, I am so incredibly glad that I have lapbandforum.com and lapbandtalk.com for support. >
A month from today I will be banded. March 27, 2008. It's all kinda sinking in, because for the first few weeks after you have made a decision there is ALOT involved as far as paperwork, loans (if you are cash pay like me), and just getting loose ends tied up. When something life changing happens whether it is good or bad, for the most part shocking. I don't have any idea if my rambling will help anyone, but if it does, great. If not, well I had a little therapy session for myself. lol
So here goes... Hi, my name is Sofi, and I am a food addict. By the time I was 9 years old, I was wearing a size 12. By the time I was 16, I was 200 lbs. I am now at 268, and I am 26 (on 3/14). My whole life has been one diet after another. Each time, my hopes high, and ready to lose the weight I had desperately wanted to rid of for so long. Looking back, I honestly believe each diet and every attempt took a part of my hopes and faith in myself and ripped it in shreds.
As silly as it sounds, I actually TRIED becoming an alcoholic and tried to become a heavy smoker in hopes to transfer my addiction from one to the other so then that way I could actually lose weight. (That's logical right?? ) I had 2 boyfriends tell me over the years that I was too heavy to have enjoyable sex, and my body was just not easy to move around with. I was crushed. This past Thanksgiving I went to be with some of my family. My grandfather, who I hadn't seen in over a year, barely spoke to me but did long enough to ask "when I was going to start my Thanksgiving diet after all the food I had eaten." I thought he was joking, because in our family, food is like the WHOLE POINT of getting together! But then he started rambling about what he and my grandmother eat and how much they exercise, and that I could do it too if only I would put my mind to it. Holy crap... if it were only that easy.
Point of all this...I want a life change. I want to look back at my life right now in one year, and not recognize me. I have accepted that I have a love affair with food, and have my entire life. And like any great love, it's memory is with you forever. Sure you may move on, but you'll always be attached to your first love. Food has been there for me in good times in bad. It has never judged me, and so therefore I have a soft spot in my heart for going to food when something in my life isn't going right. Food let's me forget about the world and all it's problems. Although temporary, (as with any person with addiction), while it lasts it feels great. But I am to a point in my life where I have a decision to make about what direction I want to go.
I found out the other day I am borderline diabetic, my blood pressure was up, I was put on a SECOND anti-depressant medication. I hate that my life has come to this stage. I don't enjoy living. And it's so hard to say that, because I have a TREMENDOUS amount to be thankful for, which I am. My mom and step dad are wonderful, and I have several friends that are so incredibly supportive. But I am tired all the time, I have no motivation for anything, and I am on the medications of someone in their 90's at age 25. I don't know that I truly ever have enjoyed the physical side of my life. I have felt so crappy for so long, I don't know that I ever have really tasted life's sweetness. If ya ain't got your health baby, ya ain't got nothin'.
Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far. It feels great to let this out.