Questions regarding getting back on track

[CookieJ]

I'm new to the forum, but I've been lurking a bit reading posts and I'm impressed with the knowledge and support on this board. I was banded in 2004, and lost about 50 lbs within six months. I was very excited with my weight loss, I pushed myself to exercise, and I loved my new outlook on life. Everything was going well until I experienced some major stress in my job. Suddenly the emotional eater came back to haunt me, and I learned that even with a Lap Band, if you want to overeat you will find a way to overeat. I started drinking during meals, and eating/drinking things I shouldn't be eating. As I said, if you want to find a way you will. Ice Cream goes right through...chocolate goes right through. I gained back nearly all of the weight over the past few years. Frankly, unless I eat something I really shouldn't like bread or cake, I forget I have a band. At my last fill about 2 years ago I was still 'full' at 4ccs, and I know I can get things stuck like meat, so it is definitely still working!

This past week or so I've realized how much I've declined, and I'm ashamed. I was seriously researching weight loss aids on the internet when I realized that I had the best weight loss aid already in my body, I just simply needed to start using it the way it was meant to be used instead of cheating myself out of the damm thing! I took a long hard look and realized a few things about myself, and I need a bit of help in getting these things resolved.

I hate to exercise. Part of the reason I hate to exercise is I get winded too easily because I'm a 30 year 'casual' smoker. What I mean by casual is 2-3 per day max. Sometimes I can go a week without one if I'm on vacation with my family who's not aware of my little addiction (I'm good at covering it up!). I know that if I was able to quit smoking the exercise would be easier. I have a new exercise room in my home with a LifeFitness Eliptical Trainer and an older Schwill AeroDyne exercise bike, along with a few free weights. Right now, I don't go into the room because I know I'll be huffing and puffing. I think if I'm able to kick the cigs completely I can start to build up the endurance with exercise easier.

I also have put weight on in the front of my body. My port area hurts a bit. I think I've put some fat on to muscle underneath the port. If I overeat and my stomach 'pooches' out, the port area hurts more. I can still feel the port easily right under my skin, but I think there's too much fat around/under it. I do NOT want to go to the doctor right now, it is not cry-out pain and it doesn't feel loose, just maybe...crowded. I'm thinking a quick 10 lbs could make a difference with that pain. If it doesn't, I'll go to the doctor.

I guess my long-winded and rambling post above is asking this: How in the world do I get my motivation back? I watch The Biggest Loser and I want to feel like that. I want to feel as good as I did five years ago when I was in size 6 jeans and dancing in front of people for the first time in my adult life. I want to enjoy clothes again. I don't want to be embarrassed for my husband to see me naked again. For a very short time I was proud of my body and was proud of myself. I fully embraced "Nothing tastes as good as this feeling does" and then 'poof!' I was back to my old self because of an emotional setback. NOW my emotional setback is the fact that I'm fat again and have zero willpower to A) quit smoking and get back on the Lap Band train in all ways.

I'm assuming baby steps are the way I should go... but does anyone have any thoughts on the first few baby steps I should take? Any and all thoughts are very appreciated!

[pinkfordyone]

Hey Ms. CookieJ, I can't offer you any advise, because I have not been banded yet, but I can offer you some encouragement. This is a great group of friends here and I'm sure they will have some great advise for you. I too, am an emotional eater and this will be a big challenge for me as well. Sounds like you've made a start in the right direction...coming on here a laying all out on the line. Sometimes just seeing things in black and white is a good kick in the pants. I have been researching the band for almost 4 years now and am so excited about my upcoming surgery. Thank you for coming online and sharing your struggles as well. It helps to know that this is not a cure all, but a tool and there are going to be struggles along the way. The most important thing I guess I could say is....You have an incredible tool, now just start over and start using it! You know what to do...DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT, you've done it before. Now...Go Get'em Girlfriend!

[RevyD]

Hi Cookie. Forget the past and start fresh today. That is the best advice I can give you. If you keep thinking about what you did you will be over ridden with quilt and shame and emotional eater will just keep surfacing.

You have done this before and You can do it again with no problem. Just start fresh. Pretend that you just got banded again and do the 21 days of liguid. That will jump start you and get you back on tract. Only you can make this decision. We can encourage you and we will as you keep us posted of your progress.

Starting tomorrow start excersing that is the key. Just go for a 30 minute 7 days a week. Start out walking slow and get fast each week. If you want to quit smoking get a patch or the gum it will take away the nicotine craving and help you. Most people need help coming off nicotine. Scientific research has proven that quitting smoking is as hard as quitting heroin so get some aids to help you.

I know you can do this. Forget the past and reach for your future. Dancing again, feeling good in your clothes and being healthy.

Start Fresh today my friend

You can do it.

Debbie

[nothereanymore]

You’re not going to like what I’m going to recommend – because the first step would be to go to the doctor and have your band looked at. If you have been pushing it, you may have a slight slip and its better to get in, get it taken care of before it turns into something serious.

Then you have to get “right” with your mind in regards to your band. I always tell people that the band is like a barbell, you have to use it for it to work – if you just put it away and ignore it – it’s going to be a waste of money and effort. Make a list of why you think you’re defeating yourself and then take each item and write how you’re going to overcome it.

You’re lucky you’ve got the band, and I understand how having emotional issues can set you back. But the truth is, it’s never too late to go forward. You’ve got the tool – you just need to put it into action.

You need to get back in the habit of measuring your food, and keeping a food diary, and if at all possible go back to the beginning ~ if you have it in you pretend you just got the band and go on liquids.

Start exercising, it helps with both the physical, and mental issues. It is baby steps, but you need to take the first one and then keep with it. I'm sure its hard and you get winded - trust me - that will end and exercising will most likely make you stop smoking - if you don't do it - you're most likely setting yourself up to fail. (And I get it - I was a casual smocker as well for almost as long as you) Its a bad habit and it ruins our health and body.

We can give you suggestions, support and caring – only you can put it into action. And this is a great time to do it, when everything is starting new, you can too!

Take care and I’m routing for you!

Lisa

[CookieJ]

Thanks to each of you for your advice and encouragement, I do appreciate it all. I do plan on starting fresh. As for full liquids, I'm not sure I could do that right at the holidays, but I can do the next best thing!

In regards to the band itself, I have ZERO pain, discomfort, reflux, gas, etc. Nothing to even suggest a slippage. I do still have restriction when I do it correctly.. in other words, no drinking during meals or after meals, and filling up on solid protein first, etc. My only discomfort is the port site. If anything has slipped or come loose, I think it would be the port alone. Again, no real pain, just the fact that I know it's there, and I never really have noticed it before. Years ago I had lipo and a tummy tuck. I have very few fat cells in the lower part of my stomach. I remember the doctor telling me then that fat cells wouldn't necessarily grow back in that area, they would accumulate above that area, and that has been SO true. If I eat too much my 'bloat' is above my navel. When I gain weight it's the same place. It's like a really elevated pregnancy!! I guess what I'm most worried about there is that maybe I've put fat in/around/under/on the port or it's tubing and it's rubbing me wrong or getting strained. This is very recent, so I'm going to give it some time. My particular surgeon is no longer with the clinic that did my surgery years ago, they moved their offices and it's very difficult for me to get there. Also, anything done would be out of pocket. My husband's former insurance plan paid for my surgery, but our current insurance won't pay for anything regarding the band, so anything that happens is on me. Frankly I can't afford to just have it checked out in case I really feel something wrong. The good thing about having the band this long is at least I know what feels normal and what doesn't. I'm hoping I just irritated it somehow!!

As for the exercise, I think you're all right. Slow and steady. Build it up. You're also right that once my body starts getting used to the exercise I'll probably have less desire to smoke.

Results breed motivation. Maybe if I can do a modified liquid/soft foods diet for a few weeks and see some results, I'll have more motivation to continue. I bought a VitaMix a few months ago because I'm a fresh fruit and veggie hater, and that has really helped me step up the produce, which could help. This morning was a strawberry, mango, pineapple, apple, carrot and spinach smoothie and I loved it! I'm going to step those up as well.

Thanks again for the encouragement and the advice. I hate to say "right after the holidays" but it will probably have to be then before I can go on liquids. Until then, I'm going to make sure there is no glass 'o tea next to my dinner plate and I'm going to refrain from trying to cheat the band so I can eat just a bit more... yeesh.

[Kayla]

Thanks to each of you for your advice and encouragement, I do appreciate it all. I do plan on starting fresh. As for full liquids, I'm not sure I could do that right at the holidays, but I can do the next best thing!

In regards to the band itself, I have ZERO pain, discomfort, reflux, gas, etc. Nothing to even suggest a slippage. I do still have restriction when I do it correctly.. in other words, no drinking during meals or after meals, and filling up on solid protein first, etc. My only discomfort is the port site. If anything has slipped or come loose, I think it would be the port alone. Again, no real pain, just the fact that I know it's there, and I never really have noticed it before. Years ago I had lipo and a tummy tuck. I have very few fat cells in the lower part of my stomach. I remember the doctor telling me then that fat cells wouldn't necessarily grow back in that area, they would accumulate above that area, and that has been SO true. If I eat too much my 'bloat' is above my navel. When I gain weight it's the same place. It's like a really elevated pregnancy!! I guess what I'm most worried about there is that maybe I've put fat in/around/under/on the port or it's tubing and it's rubbing me wrong or getting strained. This is very recent, so I'm going to give it some time. My particular surgeon is no longer with the clinic that did my surgery years ago, they moved their offices and it's very difficult for me to get there. Also, anything done would be out of pocket. My husband's former insurance plan paid for my surgery, but our current insurance won't pay for anything regarding the band, so anything that happens is on me. Frankly I can't afford to just have it checked out in case I really feel something wrong. The good thing about having the band this long is at least I know what feels normal and what doesn't. I'm hoping I just irritated it somehow!!

As for the exercise, I think you're all right. Slow and steady. Build it up. You're also right that once my body starts getting used to the exercise I'll probably have less desire to smoke.

Results breed motivation. Maybe if I can do a modified liquid/soft foods diet for a few weeks and see some results, I'll have more motivation to continue. I bought a VitaMix a few months ago because I'm a fresh fruit and veggie hater, and that has really helped me step up the produce, which could help. This morning was a strawberry, mango, pineapple, apple, carrot and spinach smoothie and I loved it! I'm going to step those up as well.

Thanks again for the encouragement and the advice. I hate to say "right after the holidays" but it will probably have to be then before I can go on liquids. Until then, I'm going to make sure there is no glass 'o tea next to my dinner plate and I'm going to refrain from trying to cheat the band so I can eat just a bit more... yeesh.

CookieJ, I can not give you much advice as I will be having my lap band surgery in January. But, I want to wish you the best. This forum has been nothing but great here for me. I have been researching the lap band surgery for a couple of years now. Once a friend from the same town as me told me about Dr. Ortiz (and after looking at lap band surgeons in Mexico), I decided he was the one I would go to.

It's been a long hard battle of losing weight, but if you put your mind to it, you can do anything. And, I believe you can too!!!

I know what you mean about it being harder during the holidays. I'm on Pre-Op diet and it seems like every time I turn around, there is food!! But, I just have to stay motivated and know that in the end, it will be better I didn't eat it!

Keep us updated and have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

[asmartblonde]

I'm new to the forum, but I've been lurking a bit reading posts and I'm impressed with the knowledge and support on this board. I was banded in 2004, and lost about 50 lbs within six months. I was very excited with my weight loss, I pushed myself to exercise, and I loved my new outlook on life. Everything was going well until I experienced some major stress in my job. Suddenly the emotional eater came back to haunt me, and I learned that even with a Lap Band, if you want to overeat you will find a way to overeat. I started drinking during meals, and eating/drinking things I shouldn't be eating. As I said, if you want to find a way you will. Ice Cream goes right through...chocolate goes right through. I gained back nearly all of the weight over the past few years. Frankly, unless I eat something I really shouldn't like bread or cake, I forget I have a band. At my last fill about 2 years ago I was still 'full' at 4ccs, and I know I can get things stuck like meat, so it is definitely still working!

This past week or so I've realized how much I've declined, and I'm ashamed. I was seriously researching weight loss aids on the internet when I realized that I had the best weight loss aid already in my body, I just simply needed to start using it the way it was meant to be used instead of cheating myself out of the damm thing! I took a long hard look and realized a few things about myself, and I need a bit of help in getting these things resolved.

I hate to exercise. Part of the reason I hate to exercise is I get winded too easily because I'm a 30 year 'casual' smoker. What I mean by casual is 2-3 per day max. Sometimes I can go a week without one if I'm on vacation with my family who's not aware of my little addiction (I'm good at covering it up!). I know that if I was able to quit smoking the exercise would be easier. I have a new exercise room in my home with a LifeFitness Eliptical Trainer and an older Schwill AeroDyne exercise bike, along with a few free weights. Right now, I don't go into the room because I know I'll be huffing and puffing. I think if I'm able to kick the cigs completely I can start to build up the endurance with exercise easier.

I also have put weight on in the front of my body. My port area hurts a bit. I think I've put some fat on to muscle underneath the port. If I overeat and my stomach 'pooches' out, the port area hurts more. I can still feel the port easily right under my skin, but I think there's too much fat around/under it. I do NOT want to go to the doctor right now, it is not cry-out pain and it doesn't feel loose, just maybe...crowded. I'm thinking a quick 10 lbs could make a difference with that pain. If it doesn't, I'll go to the doctor.

I guess my long-winded and rambling post above is asking this: How in the world do I get my motivation back? I watch The Biggest Loser and I want to feel like that. I want to feel as good as I did five years ago when I was in size 6 jeans and dancing in front of people for the first time in my adult life. I want to enjoy clothes again. I don't want to be embarrassed for my husband to see me naked again. For a very short time I was proud of my body and was proud of myself. I fully embraced "Nothing tastes as good as this feeling does" and then 'poof!' I was back to my old self because of an emotional setback. NOW my emotional setback is the fact that I'm fat again and have zero willpower to A) quit smoking and get back on the Lap Band train in all ways.

I'm assuming baby steps are the way I should go... but does anyone have any thoughts on the first few baby steps I should take? Any and all thoughts are very appreciated!

Well Cookie, You have inspired me (you and someone else a few weeks ago asking if the band only works for the first 12 months and if you didnt lose weight in 12 months is it still possible). I had my lap band surgery with Dr Martinez last December (day after Christmas). I lost 30 pounds in 2-3 weeks prior to surgery AND YES DURING THE HOLIDAYS!!! After surgery I lost another 10 lbs...for a total of 40 lbs! Yes that is it..10 lbs post band. I need to lose 120 lbs total. I admit that I thought the weight would fall off. That I would not be hungry. That it would at least be easier than anything I have tried before. But it was NOT. I am desperate to start new and I am hoping that the band will still work as a tool for me. So in order to do this I am confessing all the things I think I did wrong and just want support or comments on from y'all if you are willing.

1. I have never embraced the dont drink with meals.

2. I dont eat often enough..I am lazy and dont pack a lunch and for dinner...

3. I EAT ICE CREAM a lot. (other bads are choc milk and right now egg nog)

4. I have not exercised ONCE in a whole year!

5. I've been smoking off and on... more on this yr than usual.

6. I have been ashamed...of even having the surgery so I havent told more than 3 people...and so I have not asked for support or sought it...I need to be connected to this site to stay honest with myself.

7. This one is not necessarily something I did wrong but it was a big part and always will be a factor...I had my first fill exactly 8 weeks after surg...so excited and ready to start dropping weight like crazy...4 months later I "woke up" in a depressed haze, crying, staying away from everyone and sleeping ALL DAY except for the 4 days a week that I work...went to my psychiatrist who is treating me for depression and had to drag myself there due to shame and dissapointment. Thought I was just depressed because my band wasnt working...found out however that the medication I was taking "stopped working" at the same time I had my fill which was about the same time my HMO changed my med from capsule to tablet...I was so sure this didnt matter..you always hear that generic is the same...HOWEVER and thank God for my Dr....he asked me if lap band might prevent the tablet from going through quick enough...which I find YES! and explained to him that capsules go through much easier...He said that the med I'm on...Effexor (which by the way was prescribed after many other failed and was working great for 2 yrs before surgery) is absorbed mostly in the intestines and so IF the band was holding the TABLET form in the stomach too long and most of the absorbtion was happening there OF COURSE IT WOULDNT WORK...so he precribved the CAPSULE form again...and what do you know in 1 month I was "normal" again. However that put me at almost 6 months post surgery and I was ANGRY...ANGry at the band and angry at my HMO for switching my med...and angry at me for not going to the psychiatrist earlier...angry at myself for blaming myself and and angry at myself for not taking responsibility. JUST IN A REALLY BAD PLACE.

So I also have a high stress/responsibility job BUT also have 3 days off a week. So what did I do for the next 6 months...I ATE OF COURSE. I feel like I have closed my eyes and drifted through the last year. Can I still do this???? IS IT POSSIBLE? Help and thanks for listening.

[AngieB]

Well Cookie, You have inspired me (you and someone else a few weeks ago asking if the band only works for the first 12 months and if you didnt lose weight in 12 months is it still possible). I had my lap band surgery with Dr Martinez last December (day after Christmas). I lost 30 pounds in 2-3 weeks prior to surgery AND YES DURING THE HOLIDAYS!!! After surgery I lost another 10 lbs...for a total of 40 lbs! Yes that is it..10 lbs post band. I need to lose 120 lbs total. I admit that I thought the weight would fall off. That I would not be hungry. That it would at least be easier than anything I have tried before. But it was NOT. I am desperate to start new and I am hoping that the band will still work as a tool for me. So in order to do this I am confessing all the things I think I did wrong and just want support or comments on from y'all if you are willing.

1. I have never embraced the dont drink with meals.

2. I dont eat often enough..I am lazy and dont pack a lunch and for dinner...

3. I EAT ICE CREAM a lot. (other bads are choc milk and right now egg nog)

4. I have not exercised ONCE in a whole year!

5. I've been smoking off and on... more on this yr than usual.

6. I have been ashamed...of even having the surgery so I havent told more than 3 people...and so I have not asked for support or sought it...I need to be connected to this site to stay honest with myself.

7. This one is not necessarily something I did wrong but it was a big part and always will be a factor...I had my first fill exactly 8 weeks after surg...so excited and ready to start dropping weight like crazy...4 months later I "woke up" in a depressed haze, crying, staying away from everyone and sleeping ALL DAY except for the 4 days a week that I work...went to my psychiatrist who is treating me for depression and had to drag myself there due to shame and dissapointment. Thought I was just depressed because my band wasnt working...found out however that the medication I was taking "stopped working" at the same time I had my fill which was about the same time my HMO changed my med from capsule to tablet...I was so sure this didnt matter..you always hear that generic is the same...HOWEVER and thank God for my Dr....he asked me if lap band might prevent the tablet from going through quick enough...which I find YES! and explained to him that capsules go through much easier...He said that the med I'm on...Effexor (which by the way was prescribed after many other failed and was working great for 2 yrs before surgery) is absorbed mostly in the intestines and so IF the band was holding the TABLET form in the stomach too long and most of the absorbtion was happening there OF COURSE IT WOULDNT WORK...so he precribved the CAPSULE form again...and what do you know in 1 month I was "normal" again. However that put me at almost 6 months post surgery and I was ANGRY...ANGry at the band and angry at my HMO for switching my med...and angry at me for not going to the psychiatrist earlier...angry at myself for blaming myself and and angry at myself for not taking responsibility. JUST IN A REALLY BAD PLACE.

So I also have a high stress/responsibility job BUT also have 3 days off a week. So what did I do for the next 6 months...I ATE OF COURSE. I feel like I have closed my eyes and drifted through the last year. Can I still do this???? IS IT POSSIBLE? Help and thanks for listening.

Hi Allison - So very glad to hear you are getting back on track with the medication you are on. I think that is a great start. Ya know what, I say screw being angry at yourself! Sounds like you have punished yourself long enough. Use what you have learned to motivate yourself now. today is where we are, so that is what really matters.

Not sure who you see for adjustments, but get back in to see them. If you can, get your band checked out and get a fill if you need one. Get rid of the foods that cause you to feel bad about yourself. Don't purchase anymore ice cream. Leave it off your grocery list. Instead, purchase some low calorie fudge pops or fruit pops. That will help you adjust. Put protein first in yoru diet. Focus on eating 3 meals a day. If you need a snack in between, choose something like yogurt, cheese stick, hummus and a few crackers, an apple, or some type of fruit.

They have some really yummy flavors of yogurt, have fun trying some out. Even freeze one and see if you like a frozen yogurt cup! Look at trying new things as a funny thing. See what's out there that is good for you and tastes good too. Who says eating has to be torture?

Check out ther website hungry girl dot com. It has some great tips and food suggestions.

I would suggest you come to this website regularly. It is wonderful and the people who are members here rock! This website is so helpful. My surgeon says those who stay plugged in tend to loose more weight because it is in the front of your mind.

Start walking. If you can't get 30 mins in at one time, break it up. Walk 10-15 minutes at a time. If that proves to much, take it 5 minutes at a time. You will be so impressed when you notice your tolerace buiding! It feels good and is rewarding.

I am glad you posted. You can do this! The band is an awesome partner that has helped me a lot. I am a emotional eater, night eater, and have all sorts of not so good habits. It has set some limits for me and I am grateful for it's help. When I have a good level of restriction, if I try to night eat, it doesn't work. I end up productive burning and or feeling terrible. After a few of those moments, I have been able to break my habit and that helps my health and weight loss! Very Very cool!

I could go on and on about what the band has helped me with or taught me. But I think you can see what I am saying.

You are so worth this!

[Kristi]

CookieJ & Allison,

Well, as I have read everyone's responses, Wow, you all are great!!! It makes me so proud to be a member of this support group.

Debbie, Amy, Kayla, Lisa and Angie, great advice from all of you.

I know being on here regularly has kept me accountable. I just wish I had the willpower to write what I eat everyday like so many others, heck, that might be a good idea for you too. However, I have gotten great food ideas from everyone. And now since Angie talked about greek yogurt, I went out and found it and love it!!!! Thanks Angie!!!

Believe in yourself, you have an awesome tool and you can do it and accomplish what you chose to do when you got your bands.

I know you can do it.

Hugs to all,

Kristi

[CookieJ]

Allison, I appreciate you posting on this thread...it will just inspire and motivate the both of us.

I'll admit I've gone through a lot of guilt in the past few years. I know people who can't afford the surgery or whose insurance won't pay for it, and they want it and need it more than anything in the world but can't get it. Here I am. $17,000 surgery that I only had to pay $1000 for. I've had this 'gift' in my body for five years and I don't even appreciate it. What in the world is wrong with me?? I begged and pleaded for this surgery. I barely skooched through with the BMI requirement that the insurance company had, but I made it. Wanted it, needed it, played by all the rules, did very well, and then blammo. Realized that it wasn't the magic wand that I thought it would be. Realized that I would have to make some sacrifices too, and when I realized that I was going to struggle, I basically took my toys and went home.

I know I have done some physical damage. Not in slippage, I think I have stretched my pouch. As of last night I started NOT drinking with my meals, I waited an hour to drink anything, and this morning I had my coffee and THEN had some breakfast instead of both together as normal. I was able to eat a piece of string cheese and a full cup of granola without drinking anything, and I think that's more than I should have been able to eat. Oh well, it's still restriction and I'm going to work with it!! Stretched pouch is better than no pouch, and I think a lot of it is psychological anyway. When I start playing by the rules it will make a huge difference.

Last night at dinner I told my husband what you all suggested, which was going back to the beginning and going on liquids for 3 weeks. I thought he would say I didn't need to do that, but he was all for it! He agreed that I needed to see good and quick results to keep the motivation going, and suggested that right on January 1st I go for it. My wonderful husband said he'd work on his own dinners, I told him that I'd make some soups, chili, meatloaf, whatever and freeze it for him beforehand, and he was fine with that too. He also agreed that we need to get some usage out of our new exercise room, and that he'll help.

Don't laugh, but our exercise room is something that I decorated myself. When we made this room I wanted it to be someplace fun. I found posters and photos that I put in frames of famous people exercising. I have Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh, Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton, Lucy and Ethel on exercise bikes, Victoria Principal (Remember The Body Principal???), Olivia Newton John getting Physical, even Miss Piggy in leg warmers. There is a 6 foot cardboard stand up of Rocky in the corner. I want to walk in and FEEL motivated.

You all have helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think that Allison is going to start the journey again with me. What do you think Sister, you up for it!?

Cookie

[asmartblonde]

Thank you so much everyone for the support. I cant believe how good it feels to "confess" all I have been through in the past year. I think if I can really stay connected here it will help and YES COOKIE...ME AND YOU GIRL...LETS DO THIS. I really need the support and so now for another confession...I am a therapist...I am so good and successful helping others to set goals, stay motivated, counter negative self talk and attitudes...etc etc etc...but terrible when it comes to me...and of course my biggest downfall has been to think I was above needing help and not asking for help.

So today I will put my goal in writing: I am committed to losing 50 lbs (of the 80-100 I have left to lose). That will be my goal this year. I would like to do this before my 20th class reunion this summer (which for me could actually be very motivating) and if I can do that then I will stay with the same goal which is to keep the 50 lbs off for the remainder of the year. I just cant move forward thinking of 100 pounds to lose...if I choose 50 it feels realistic and doable and I know that I will look at feel really good 50 lbs lighter.

In the remaining 10 days of 2009 I will prepare for the change. I WILL NOT BUY OR EAT ICE CREAM. I am going to join Curves by the end of the first week of January. This is important for me because not only will I be exercising I will be doing it in front of others. If I continue to think or pretend I'll do it at home I am too prone to falling into this weird space in my head that tells me I am not really that fat and dont need to...and also will force me to overcome the fear of others thinking I need to exercise...I know it is weird but I''m saying it here for that very reason...of course others will look at me and think she needs to exercise...but just being out in public and knowing that is so painful that it keeps me inside...So Curves will be my compromise...I've done it before years ago but quit for the reasons I was just explaining. I will go to Curves and I will be forgiving of myself...I will accept my body as it is today and remember that I have every need and right to be there exercising as anybody else....

WOW...I really have gotten into a crazy place this past year. Thank you all so much for what you have ALREADY given me. I am actually laughing a little writing this and that is a GOOD thing.

[CookieJ]

Allison, I hear you... Ice Cream is my drug of choice. When most people fill a cup I fill a Jethro Bowl. My only way around that lately has been Ice Cream Bars. They're full fat still, but at least it's portion control!! In my opinion, that was a step in the right direction. Now I will buy the nonfat variety so at least I can still have my treat, but it won't do as much damage.

Allison, it's also amazing to me that you're a therapist. I used to run a weight loss center!! Sometimes we're better at helping others than we are at helping ourselves. I know exactly what to do, but sometimes it's hard turning the mirror around and facing our own issues. Personally, I had a very devastating domestic violence situation nearly 14 years ago that almost killed me physically and emotionally. I deal with the guilt and the scars from that situation to this day, and I know it is a major reason why I eat for comfort and security. I also know that knowing is half the battle. I've seriously thought of therapy to deal with this issue, but honestly have never taken that step. I might consider it now.

The best thing for me to do right now is stay off the scale. I have no idea how much I've gained, and frankly I don't want to know. I think right now numbers will only depress me, even though I've made the decision to restart this journey. I will do what I need to do and get back on track, and maybe in February or March after my liquid restart and a few months of Good Girl under my belt I might get back on the scale. At this point it's all about motivation and numbers have a way of undermining that motivation whether we want it to or not.

I will lose 50 lbs by my birthday in July. Nothing like a great big cake with 48 candles on it to depress a woman, and I want to feel good on that particular day. I think with the support and motivation on this board as well as from my husband, I can do it. Thanks again to everyone for the virtual hug, as well as the virtual kick in the butt.

Cookie

[asmartblonde]

YOU ARE HILARIOUS. "Jethro bowl" that is great. Well went to Trader Joes today and while I picked up a box of mini ice cream sandwiches I almost dropped them back in the freezer when I remembered that I vowed to buy no ice cream. THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had Christmas wine and Cheese with a friend tonight. was nice.

And by the way Cookie...yes your husband is awesome. I am so glad he is ready and supportive of your come back

Allison