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again and again



so she wrote back...

I was annoyed you weren't understanding what i was saying so i wanted to end the conversation so you got that i was annoyed, sorry. And i don't do it to anybody or everybody I do it to people who can laugh at themselves therefore not hate me for laughing with them and then we can laugh at each other. but when i'm joking i'm joking. I realized i was rude so i apologized. and i never apologize.

whatever...i don't even care to respond. She's so stupid. Making fun of a person who has been overweight their entire life is like making fun of someone in a wheelchair. It's just not cool. I don't even know if she's truly sorry or if she's just saying it so I can go back to being her cheery bestfriend who's always there to lend an ear when nobody else wants to listen to her bull. She texted me and I'm just like ok whatever i don't care..i just really have to think about our entire friendship and if it's worth it anymore. This is the second time this has happened. Not about the weight but about the whole disrespecting and rude snappy condescending attitude when I don't deserve it thing. So i guess thats it..Third strike, YOU'RE OUT. If she does this one more time, just one more time then I will end our 8 year friendship just like that. The thing is I'm sooo easy...all it takes for me to take you back and forgive you is an apology. A REAL apology...not an "oops sorry i called you fat and made several rude comments throughout the week about what and how much you eat because you annoyed me and i never apologize to anybody so like yeah sorry"...uhh i mean does anybody see an apology in there??? All I see is an idiot realizing how stupid she is and trying to save face. We'll be fine in a week or so but I will never forget this. Like i said, just one more time, and she's out. I would be the idiot if I continued to let her belittle and disrespect me.

Anyway I just got back from dancing with my boy-friends! My boy-friends are health freaks. Like ripped bodies, big arms, abs, all that stuff. They don't really pressure me to go to the gym and get fit. Actually one of them was surprised that i was losing weight at all. he didn't mean it in a bad way either. He meant he was proud that i was actually sticking to something and seeing results. I've known him since I was 9 when I was already chubby so I guess he's used to me being the chubby girl. but i was never pretty when i was younger. i was that ugly duckling nerd girl...fat ugly duckling nerd girl...eh. anyway when we were 15/16 i got to one of my lowest weight ever. Then of course when you lose weight everybody wants to be your friend. So i went out with my friends every week and ate like a normal kid would but guess what happened???...yeah you know it i gained all the weight I lost plus some...so when i was 17 I gained the weight i lost which was i think about 50 plus 60 more! so i gained 90+ lbs in one year...i didn't even realized i had gained so much weight until I got on a scale and freaked out because i told myself if i ever got to that weight i would kill myself...well you know not literally just being dramatic..but it happened i got to the weight a 17 year old should NEVER be. i was so upset. so i got on a diet and lost a good 50lbs on a weight loss program i paid at least 100 dollars a month for "supplies". i was on and off this program for 3 years. eventually i ran out of money and once the supplies were taken away i gained the weight back plus 20.

At this point I was so frustrated about my weight. I figured i guess i'm just going to be fat my entire life or i can eat one carrot a day to get to a certain weight. so those were the two extremes i went back and forth with for a year before realizing it was getting me no where but either really hungry or disgustingly full because i would binge eat. stupid binges....I would sit there and eat cheeseburger after cheeseburger...i was just sooo hungry because for days i would eat close to nothing. I think about it now and realize that's probably the stupidest thing to do to yourself. So anyway my mom told me about gastric. we researched everything, went to seminars, talked to our insurance companies and it was just the worst thing to deal with! they wanted me on a diet for a year before they would let me do it and if i lost weight within that year there was a possibility the insurance company wouldn't let me do it because they can say "see you can lose weight you don't need the surgery". So a year i wasted time with that stupid gastric business. then that's when my mom found Dr. Ortiz and told me about the lap band surgery. I was a little cautious at first because i didn't want to get my hopes up if I couldn't get the surgery done. But it didn't happen that way and here I am today!

I'm losing the weight slowly but once it comes off that weight is gone. Even if i was to go "bad" for a few days i wouldn't gain any weight back. it would simply maintain and i love that. But from now on i refuse to go "bad" ever again. i want to get to my goal weight without interruptions. i don't want to stall any longer. like i said, I want to live!

i forgot to mention that the boys kept on talking about wanting a big juicy cheeseburger to indulge in. Then one was like I'm going to jack in the box and I looked at him like why?? its 3 in the morning and you're going to sleep! But that's just me being a health nut freak now. I haven't exercised yet but once I start up again i pretty sure i'm going to be lecturing everybody about eating fattening food and telling them they need to exercise. The other day i felt bad for this one guy because he's big and he was drinking soda for the caffeine to stay awake because he didn't get much sleep that day. I wanted to yell at him and tell him not to drink that soda if he was already tired! That stuff isn't going to do anything for you but shoot you up and then make you crash and burn in less time. Plus he's already really unhealthy because I know he doesn't exercise or eat right at all. but i figure I just need to take care of myself first before i go around being all self-righteous. lead by example.


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