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anyways you know how when you eat like really bad and then you feel as if you gained all the weight back?? then you even look at yourself in the mirror and think i got fatter!?!! well i seriously think thats just all in your head. no my cheeks did not get fatter because i ate some chips and no my belly did not extend back out either and yes i am the same measurements. but you always feel like more swollen and just plain disgusting when in reality you are exactly the same. your mind can really mess up your perception of reality. i pretty much hate it. bad thoughts are just plain bad. negativity never got anybody anywhere and i'm sick of it. earlier today i got super annoyed and jealous because gio is going to be with that girlbestfriend of his and omg that drives me insane. but then i thought about it and i started laughing like why should i even care?? she was there before me and i can't change their relationship or be anymore important to him then what i already am which is very important to him so i'm just like blah. i don't think that even made sense and i'm probably just trying to talk my way out of this rationally so i won't explode with rage and do something rash like never speak to him again because i feel ignored and insignificant. i tend to do that to people. the only reason why mario and jeri are my bff because they come back to me. they never let me go, they never gave up on me no matter how much i tried to push them away and out of my life they just stuck by me. aww that just made me realize how much i do love them. jeri comes to vegas on the 29th i can't wait so we can just be really crazy together creating weirdness everywhere we go. and like gio will care. i honestly think he's just hanging out with me because he's bored and his "real friends" are too busy and there's stupid me who's always makes myself available and bending over backward for that fool. i think i'm being used and i don't know how to get myself out. i really think i should kick him out of my life. i'm pretty sure he wouldn't care. he would just go to that girlbff of his so what does it matter anyway...you know what next time he calls me to hang out i'm just going to tell him i'm not busy but i don't want to hang out with him because he's not my friend and he go to :angry: .....AWAY. ugh i hate feeling this way. like so insecure and not sure. ugh could i please lose this last 97lbs like now PLEASE!!! i need a vacation. i wish i was skinny already so i can go play on tropical islands and not care about anybody but myself! working on my tan no cares in the world and definitely not needing anyones attention but my own. oh yeah and plus my mom because i love my mom! me and mom forever sitting on a tropical island with the cool breeze and warm sand in between our toes...hmmmm so what if it's running away???!

everytime i see that biggest loser show they are basically like on a retreat on this huge ranch. its sorta like running away because they have to get away from the real world to re-connect with themselves. so maybe this is what i need. too bad reality is hitting me hard and i can't escape from it. i have to face it and i really don't want to. ugh i do need a vacation. hmm maybe if i ask mom as a birthday/christmas gift??? but we don't need to do it now we can do it in a few months as long as i know we are going somewhere that will make me happy. i just need to get out of this town.


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