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Feeling difficult... my poor husband

ackovach

Entry posted by ackovach

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I get banded on Friday and have been struggling with the pre-opt diet. I already feel like a failure.... again. I am losing something everyday. I just hope it is enough........ My weight fluctuates so much, I never know how much I actually weigh.

In 1995 (25 yrs old), I weighed 140-145. I thought I was huge. This is where my cycle dieting cycle/binge cycle started.

I am a emotional eater. I think I punish myself with food, I take revenge on other with food, I sedate with food, I relax with food, you name it and food fixes it for me.......

It all started with a horrible relationship in my 20's, to mom getting cancer, dying in a car wreck, meeting my biological mother, being outright rejected because I was "big girl" at 175. On and on, food has been a way to soothe and hurt myself. I know to be successful with the lapband I have to get control of this.

When I got married on May of 2003, I weighed about 170 and felt pretty good about myself. I thought I was headed in the right direction. But on my honeymoon, my husband and I got into a stupid fight and he called me a fat a55. I fell apart. It totally crushed me. I still have not forgiven him. I got on the binge express and did not stop til I weighed about 218. It took me about 2 years to gain 60 pounds. I just can not believe I did that to myself.

I was so depressed and mad at him.

So here we are today........ he is like my food watch dog. I think if he asks me one more what are you eating my head will explode!!! He means well. But my programming is all screwed up. When he asks, "are you suppose to eat that?", I want to smack him. It is very irrational.

He is very supportive and wants me to have this surgery. He does not want anyone to know. He is embarrassed about the I way look now. He did not want me to go to his company party this past Christmas because I did not look the way he wanted.

When it comes down to, I know I am more pissed off at myself than him. But I want to blame him.

I don't know what all this means for me.

All I know is physically, I get so hungry.

I am praying that I can make this work for me. I want to be successful. I want to feel pretty again.

This is my first blog........ don't really know what a blog is.......

Good night!

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katyfalldine

Hey......

I'm new to this blogging thing, too! I was just banded last week, and wanted to encourage you to just go for it and be COMPLETELY dedicated to the diets involved. When I got to the clinic, they did weigh me, but didn't even make my current weight an issue. I was like you - "I just hope I've lost enough......."

I'm almost positive you will be okay!!!!!!

And, I've had a lot of the same self-esteem issues that you have had. It's very difficult to be overweight in our society (which I have been since I was a child).

Anyways, I'm right there with you! Keep going, girl! :)

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hockeyMOMinWA

You can do this. As you lose the weight you might decide to lose the other A55 in your life... my husband lovves me for who I am, not what size I am. I cross my fingers for you... I too can be an emotional binger... try and find a support group where you live.. because even when you lose the weight your emtional baggage will still be there and talking helps A LOT. Becareful, sometimes you can lose the weight and then move on to another scary addiction that replaces food... YOU CAN DO THIS.. just stick with it, and if something isn't working in your life.. GET rid of it or change it!!!

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Marc

dont quit, it works i believe in it, just got banded, lost 2 pounds within the 3 days, but you need to follow what DR. Ortiz says!

marc[

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blm007

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I have had some similar experiences with my husband in regards to being embarrassed of me etc. I feel bad enough about myself and really don't need more of anyone else's comments or lack there of to make it worse. Anyway, I am getting banded on Sept 22nd. I swore I'd never do it but at age 35 and 230 lbs - with two young children that need their mommy around for a long time - I'm taking the plunge! I am doing this for myself but am very motivated by thinking about how I want to be around to watch my girls grow up and be there to support them through all of lifes ups and downs - just the way my mom does! Anyway - hang in there! We should talk again sometime! Take care!

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blm007

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I have had some similar experiences with my husband in regards to being embarrassed of me etc. I feel bad enough about myself and really don't need more of anyone else's comments or lack there of to make it worse. Anyway, I am getting banded on Sept 22nd. I swore I'd never do it but at age 35 and 230 lbs - with two young children that need their mommy around for a long time - I'm taking the plunge! I am doing this for myself but am very motivated by thinking about how I want to be around to watch my girls grow up and be there to support them through all of lifes ups and downs - just the way my mom does! Anyway - hang in there! We should talk again sometime! Take care!

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