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Zzzombrie

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Blog Entries posted by Zzzombrie

  1. Zzzombrie
    Day 1 of pre-op reduction phase started with some general anxiety about what I should eat. I spent $280 on the Nutrisystem package but haven't touched it until today. After some argumentation in my head over pizza or a breakfast bar, the bar won. Before eating, I stepped on the scale and saw 242 staring back. I've never been this heavy in my life, so breakfast bar.
    I imagine that most weight strugglers wake up like this, bodies aching for calories before we even open our eyes. The first bit of food that comes to mind is full of fat and eater's remorse. It takes energy to make good choices, something I already lack greatly. Skinnies think that everything is will power. In their minds, it's a simple concept. For those of us who know better, it is more like a bloody war full of casualties and collateral damage. War is never easy or simple.
    I keep telling myself that I only have to hold out until I can get my surgery. A few weeks at best of clean eating and exercise. After that, my obsession with food will be mostly averted. Surgery isn't what makes people lose their weight. It is simply a tool that forces a strictly nutritious diet. Weight loss is 80% food choices. It also acts as a form of aversion therapy, disassociating the act of overreacting from pleasure to pain.
    Diet & exercise alone cannot combat years of compulsive overeating and emotional/stress eating. There must be a medical and psychological component involved to control these issues. Obesity is a disease, and the medical community must accept this as truth if they're going to have a hand at saving lives.
  2. Zzzombrie
    So I finally got myself to the campus gym. Looking at all the bods 10 years younger than me was daunting, but then I remember that I was just like them and I say to them in my mind 'This is what you have to look forward to kids so keep sweating'. Maybe not being morbidly obese, but the struggle for sure. Of course, I'm not like others my age either (30) as my narcolepsy has given me a metabolism closer to 40yo. It's a big reason why I'm getting surgery. I'm not normal so why should my stomach be?! I'm metabolically stunted with a binge eating disorder that used to be bulimia nervosa. I'm just tired of purging really (long workouts & fasting, not puking). Suffering for my health is not new to me. If I would've thought that I could've done this when I was at bmi 29,I should've. That point has long past and I'm done with riding this train.
    So I did some weight training. I couldn't finish my planned set but it's a start. I don't do cardio. I walk and dance but forget mindless jogging. Weight training produces a longer, more efficient caloric burn. Plus the added muscle will help me heal faster come surgery time.
  3. Zzzombrie
    So Nutrisystem was a bust. Too damn expensive for the product. Didn't lose much of anything either. Now school is in session and I'm realizing just how tired of battling my weight I am. Too much stress and worry to control my cravings. Brain power takes fat as fuel and I'm feeling the effects. Still hanging around the low 240s. Planning on GSP in Dec. I'm resolved on this issue. Mom is supportive and we're making a Christmas trip out of it. So I'll be close to the surgery site for a week after should any complications arise. I'm choosing surgery because I'm afraid for my future health. Turning 30 has shifted my focus from narcissism to health. I don't care if my hair falls out or if I end up with loose skin and saggy boobs (I'm barely a C cup even with this extra weight). Hair grows back, plastics for all the rest. I'm going to find some time in my schedule to put on some muscle before the big day. I feel like it'll help with healing time. Don't know if I'm right.
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