Relationship issues and the band

[Kimmy in MD]

Just curious. Has anyone else had a problem in their relationship because of their band?

I just broke up with my boyfriend today because of the band or should I say because I PB/vomit frequently when I eat. Please don't get on me about the vommitting. I know it is an issue and am working with my fill doc to get the right restriction. I have had the band for 2 years now and have lost all my weight so it was very successful that way. At this point my band is completely empty due to other health issues and possible upcoming hysterectomy surgery.

So back to the band/relationship problems. I am empty not vommitting etc...but I am mourning the loss I feel right now by not having any restriction. It is as if my arm has been cut off or something. I feel hungry and my appetite is out of control. In my mind I can't wait to get these health issues resolved and get a fill again. So I can feel like I have some control back in my eating habits.

On Sunday my boyfriend was extoling the virtues of my band being unfilled. How nice it is to go out to restaurants now etc... So I told him in no uncertain terms I plan to get filled again and that at some point I will probably throw up again. Well his entire mood changed. Today we broke up over it. It is like it is a deal breaker. There was not even discussion about finding the right fill level. He just wants it emptied and out of my body! I can't do that!! I won't do that. This is my body. My decision. He told me I am mentally weak that I can't control my own eating. That I am a hypocrite because I bug my son about his eating habits and I can't control my own habits without the band. etc...

Part of me is sad. Part of me is glad. Part of me is mad. and part of me wonders will I ever have a normal relationship or will I be an old skinny woman with a band and cats living alone!! The last thing he said to me before leaving is "good luck finding a man that will put up with you throwing up"

[EricaG]

Wow... I'm sorry to say it but, he does not deserve you!

He sounds like my manipulative x-bf. I dumped him before

I even told anyone about getting banded but he sounds like

something he would say. He is very wrong! I have a very loving

and supportive bf. He worries when I get stuck and "pb" ... He even

covers for me when people ask if something is wrong.

The funny thing is... When I dumped my x... He said "goodluck finding

someone that's gonna take you as fat as you are" LOL

yet he was the bulimic one and completely insecure...

I actually am glad he wished me luck, because about 2 months later

I hit the jackpot and found the love of my life!

Just brace yourself... A goodone is coming along!

Tell that guy to "kick rocks!"

[skinnyagain]

The more I think about what you posted the more pissed off I get. Does your x not want to be in competition with your band and the attention you give it? Would he have dated you at your pre band weight? Probable not.... As we all know relationships there are give and take. Maybe you can do a better job with not vomiting so much, if he would support you more. Each person could better themselves. BUT getting a life altering break up over your band....childish....Now perhaps he does not want to see you "hurt yourself" my cont to vomit. don't know.

Your band is part of you, if he does not accept you, and every part of you, then he is not for you!...

Kim

[Lindsay]

And on the flip side, imagine how hard it is, for him to see someone he cares about (you) running to the toilet every time you eat... and then you being pleased about your weight loss?

He doesn't sound manipulative.

He sounds like he's unable to really communicate what's upsetting him.

He's right about you causing damage every time you vomit.

The chances of your band slipping are huge, not to mention the permanent damage of every day vomiting.

- Irregular heartbeat, low pulse, low blood pressure, weakened heart muscle, or heart failure.

- Fluids and electrolytes problems, such as dehydration and low levels of potassium, magnesium, and sodium

- Intestinal problems, such as constipation, irregular bowel movements, bloating, diarrhea, and abdominal cramping

- Mouth problems, including cavities, tooth enamel erosion, gum disease, and sensitivity to hot and cold foods

- Stomach problems, including ulcers, pain, and delayed emptying

- Anemia

..and those are permanent issues. They will pop up, and never go away. Are you not concerned about going into heart failure? Basically that's what happens when your body has had enough. And often, there is no warning sign.

He's watching you basically abuse your body, for weight loss.

I'd leave too, to be perfectly honest.

If you feel your appetite is 'out of control', it's not band restriction you need.

It's psychological counseling to DEAL with the outstanding food/emotional eating issues you have.

I know this won't be a popular post. But c'mon.

We all have to responsible for ourselves. And not dependent.

[EricaG]

And on the flip side, imagine how hard it is, for him to see someone he cares about (you) running to the toilet every time you eat... and then you being pleased about your weight loss?

He doesn't sound manipulative.

He sounds like he's unable to really communicate what's upsetting him.

He's right about you causing damage every time you vomit.

The chances of your band slipping are huge, not to mention the permanent damage of every day vomiting.

- Irregular heartbeat, low pulse, low blood pressure, weakened heart muscle, or heart failure.

- Fluids and electrolytes problems, such as dehydration and low levels of potassium, magnesium, and sodium

- Intestinal problems, such as constipation, irregular bowel movements, bloating, diarrhea, and abdominal cramping

- Mouth problems, including cavities, tooth enamel erosion, gum disease, and sensitivity to hot and cold foods

- Stomach problems, including ulcers, pain, and delayed emptying

- Anemia

..and those are permanent issues. They will pop up, and never go away. Are you not concerned about going into heart failure? Basically that's what happens when your body has had enough. And often, there is no warning sign.

He's watching you basically abuse your body, for weight loss.

I'd leave too, to be perfectly honest.

If you feel your appetite is 'out of control', it's not band restriction you need.

It's psychological counseling to DEAL with the outstanding food/emotional eating issues you have.

I know this won't be a popular post. But c'mon.

We all have to responsible for ourselves. And not dependent.

I agree with lindsay in a way... i think my post was just based on my emotions and my personal experience. i just realized that you are "vomiting" ... i usually get up and excuse myself from the table when i feel stuck or think i have to PB. which i assume is normal, but it happens about once or twice during a meal i did not prepare. i have never really thrown up a whole meal.

[jhawkchick75]

I understand his concern about you getting sick a lot, but for him to want you to get rid of the band all together is just not right. He should want the best for you and want you to be healthy and happy. You do need to work to find your right restriction, but but he shouldn't not be supportive of the band and your health.

You need to find someone that is supportive of your weight loss journey and don't settle for anything less you deserve it!

[AngieB]

Just curious. Has anyone else had a problem in their relationship because of their band?

I just broke up with my boyfriend today because of the band or should I say because I PB/vomit frequently when I eat. Please don't get on me about the vommitting. I know it is an issue and am working with my fill doc to get the right restriction. I have had the band for 2 years now and have lost all my weight so it was very successful that way. At this point my band is completely empty due to other health issues and possible upcoming hysterectomy surgery.

So back to the band/relationship problems. I am empty not vommitting etc...but I am mourning the loss I feel right now by not having any restriction. It is as if my arm has been cut off or something. I feel hungry and my appetite is out of control. In my mind I can't wait to get these health issues resolved and get a fill again. So I can feel like I have some control back in my eating habits.

On Sunday my boyfriend was extoling the virtues of my band being unfilled. How nice it is to go out to restaurants now etc... So I told him in no uncertain terms I plan to get filled again and that at some point I will probably throw up again. Well his entire mood changed. Today we broke up over it. It is like it is a deal breaker. There was not even discussion about finding the right fill level. He just wants it emptied and out of my body! I can't do that!! I won't do that. This is my body. My decision. He told me I am mentally weak that I can't control my own eating. That I am a hypocrite because I bug my son about his eating habits and I can't control my own habits without the band. etc...

Part of me is sad. Part of me is glad. Part of me is mad. and part of me wonders will I ever have a normal relationship or will I be an old skinny woman with a band and cats living alone!! The last thing he said to me before leaving is "good luck finding a man that will put up with you throwing up"

Tough break up. ((HUGS)) for sure. You will find the right guy. It is hard for our loved ones to watch us have a hard time with the band. Sounds like he has been through a lot of episodes with you. When I have productive burped, my husband has always made sure I was okay. He worries for me. If I were doing it as regular as what your post sounded.....he would not stand for it. I have shared so much with him about my fat girl behavior and band that he would know right away I was in a "danger zone." I don't ever want to get to a place where a PB is normal or a regular occurance....nope! I hope that others who support me would say things to me as well. It is not normal or part of WL and I would be warped to convence myself otherwise. Believe me my fat girl behavior is warped enough! I strive for balance....because I tend to be OCD I have a hard time finding it. At anyrate. He does have some valid points. Getting on your son about his eating behavior will not change him. Show him and let him learn from you. Being naked with out the band makes us vulnerable. I am a bit over a year out and have not had the experience of an unfill. I know it would be tough for me. I love my band, it helps me and supports me. I do lean on it for support and balance. So my heart goes out to you.

Anyway, I know what people have wrote to you will be unpleasant and hard to hear. Even though you asked us not to go there, seems some of us could not let it pass.....becuase we understand how dangerous it is. So please don't be offended when we chime in and send messages of concern.

If you relationship is truely over....then take the pain from this relationship and learn from it. Think about it from his point of view. Setting alone at the table during dinner because you are tossing your cookies....Sorry for the pain and range of emotions. Maybe you can do your part and see how it changes your life....

((HUGS))

Angie

[EcMjawad1]

Hey, Hold on...

Ok, so I have a third view...First off, YOU come first, always!!!..its called self care and love...it took me a long time to figure it out...a bit about me..I am 49 and lost my husband two years ago..childhood sweetheart, I loved him, stayed through sickness and in health, and lost myself along the way. Now I was opposite. I was bulimic throughout his 10 years of illness and all the stress, anger, emotions that his illness and raising two kids caused. A Dr. told me at counseling that I was not a "true" bulimic just angry and that binge/purge was my way to handel it. Well counseling was out I found my way..my way. Now my husbands death was awful, left me alone, I miss him often, loved him to the end, but in another way was the best thing to happen FOR me--the real me--of course, I am not sure what that looks like right now, but until I do there is no room for anyone else...Now is your chance..love yourself, address your health, think on the whole vomiting issue, and know that since I have been banded I have not purged/vomited or been even close to the cycle a wonderful gift on its own. Of course it's made life hard in that I have to look to myself, feel emotions, and deal with life..but so much better. Some say the act of vomiting is a way to expel anger you may not even know you carry. For me this was true..I agree with the finding ways to address emotions..there are a lot of good books out there and I have worked my way through a lot of them. Any guy who cannot be there for you emotionally, and love and communicate with you is not for you..or me. Make sure the next one loves you for you...band, emotions, health and all..its called self care and self love...

Hang in there your strong...you have to be to have already accomplished so much.

[Kimmy in MD]

Thank you to everyone who took time to read this and to reply. It is appreciated. Even the comments that if you can't control your eating without the band you need therapy for your food issues. That was a little off topic but really? If that worked we would have all been to counselors, which I believe many have already for food issues and would not have needed surgery to insert our bands. Maybe Lindsay you should try the therapy route and get rid of your band since you have the ultimate self control. Sorry I know that was catty but couldn't resist.

Regarding everything else said you are all right about many of the things. Watching a loved one suffer with the vomitting is painful. Yesterday I was having something to eat with a friend of mine that has the band and he got stuck and started sliming. I just wanted to reach over and hug him. I know how awful it is. Just the thought of heading out to a restaurant and knowing you may have to go running to the restroom is STRESSFUL! I am trying to address my restriction issues but they have been present sent the band was put in and even when it seems like the band is right something will happen and throw it all off and the thing seems to seize up and nothing, including water will go down. I have tried to cope with these episodes in many ways waiting it out etc.. but I have had to have 3 unfills in the last year and now I am completely empty.

I have had several days to think about this now and really it comes down to this for me. It is my body. It is my band. I need/expect the person I am with to be SUPPORTIVE of whatever I decide. PERIOD. They can express they don't like it. They can express their concern, but ultimately they need to support whatever decision you make. Now if I was saying no way I am going to get tighter and tighter and just keep throwing up that would be another story but if I am actively dealing with the band and the restriction issues and trying to find the optimal fill level for me. There should be support. PERIOD.

Finally, in later texts he said a few other things. He called the band a "cheat tool". This tells me he doesn't understand it and has not taken the time to learn about it and just looks at it as an easy way out. His doing this disrespects all the work and sweat I have put into losing these 90 lbs. The work it took to go from a size 16/18 to a size 2. I walked and still walk about 6 miles a day, at least 5 days a week. I do ab work daily and I do 150 pushups a day (against a bench) and was doing up to 400 a day early on trying to keep my body toned as it lost weight so I hopefully wouldn't need surgery at the end. there are other things but no need to go into it all.

thanks again everyone. your opinions were apprecited!

[skinnyagain]

You deserve the best, and if the person your with does not treat you like a his queen, its time to move on! If someone loves you, they accept ALL of you!

If you had a fake leg would he then say that was a crutch...??? Ya you can live without a leg, but life is easier with a fake leg....I am sure you see my point!

Kim

[AngieB]

Thank you to everyone who took time to read this and to reply. It is appreciated. Even the comments that if you can't control your eating without the band you need therapy for your food issues. That was a little off topic but really? If that worked we would have all been to counselors, which I believe many have already for food issues and would not have needed surgery to insert our bands. Maybe Lindsay you should try the therapy route and get rid of your band since you have the ultimate self control. Sorry I know that was catty but couldn't resist.

Regarding everything else said you are all right about many of the things. Watching a loved one suffer with the vomitting is painful. Yesterday I was having something to eat with a friend of mine that has the band and he got stuck and started sliming. I just wanted to reach over and hug him. I know how awful it is. Just the thought of heading out to a restaurant and knowing you may have to go running to the restroom is STRESSFUL! I am trying to address my restriction issues but they have been present sent the band was put in and even when it seems like the band is right something will happen and throw it all off and the thing seems to seize up and nothing, including water will go down. I have tried to cope with these episodes in many ways waiting it out etc.. but I have had to have 3 unfills in the last year and now I am completely empty.

I have had several days to think about this now and really it comes down to this for me. It is my body. It is my band. I need/expect the person I am with to be SUPPORTIVE of whatever I decide. PERIOD. They can express they don't like it. They can express their concern, but ultimately they need to support whatever decision you make. Now if I was saying no way I am going to get tighter and tighter and just keep throwing up that would be another story but if I am actively dealing with the band and the restriction issues and trying to find the optimal fill level for me. There should be support. PERIOD.

Finally, in later texts he said a few other things. He called the band a "cheat tool". This tells me he doesn't understand it and has not taken the time to learn about it and just looks at it as an easy way out. His doing this disrespects all the work and sweat I have put into losing these 90 lbs. The work it took to go from a size 16/18 to a size 2. I walked and still walk about 6 miles a day, at least 5 days a week. I do ab work daily and I do 150 pushups a day (against a bench) and was doing up to 400 a day early on trying to keep my body toned as it lost weight so I hopefully wouldn't need surgery at the end. there are other things but no need to go into it all.

thanks again everyone. your opinions were apprecited!

Hey Kim - I am still sending you ((BIG HUGS)) This guy clearly does not appreciate what the band helps us to accomplish....which is sad. Especially since he has been with you for a while. One would think he would at least understand that. My sweet hubby is not an overweight person. Never has been and so he totally doesn't understand me at times. From you comments, you sound like having the band has been an ongoing struggle on and off. That really stinks!!!! The fact of not being able to find a reasonable level is hard enough, so my heart goes out to you. I think it is awesome you are working to find the best spot for you, as I am sure it has been a real bitch!

The band is not an easy way out. Not at all. It does make my life easier, that is for sure. I hope you are able to brush his hurtful comments off and not let them cut you. That is a hard task with someone you love. Those words cut. At anyrate, I really like what Kim said about the leg....right on Kim. Thank heavens for the band!!!

Hang on and hang in there! I of all the people on this board have no room to judge, so sorry if I over stepped with my comments on the previous post. I hope I didn't offend you. If I did, please know I am sorry and I meant the best out of those words. I was talked to critically when I was young about my weight and food, so I think that is a soft spot for me. I struggle BIG time with my food addiction and binge behavior. We are all hear for support, and knowledge.

I wish you health and wellness! Hangin in here banded sista!

[lynna]

Kim,

I am just returning to the boards after a year or more and I saw your post....I got married last year and the PBing is still a thing with us...we are happy but he says it makes him mad at the band that it isn't working right..of course half the time I think it is my eating habits...that I am working to change. He also is very protective of me...not in any weird way and so the PBing makes him uneasy thinking something is wrong with me. Don't worry about this guy...he would talk to you about it but get over it and be happy with you as my husband is; if he were the right one for you...Take care of yourself!

Lynn

[Bandiva]

My husband gets frustrated when I 'do something stupid' but of course he doesn't have a band so he has no idea that what works one day doesnt work the next. But, he has never used my band to humiliate me or to try to make me choose between the band and him. He loves the new banded me because I am a happier person on the inside. Regardless of what this mans issues were (concern or actual anger toward the band) I think the important thing to remember is that he didn't 'get' you. He didn't understand your disorder, or your desperation. I fought obestity for 40 years, and I still think about it everyday. It is a part of our relationship... because it is part of me.

I hope you enjoy this time for yourself and then you will be ready to accept the right person when they cross your path.

[Smiley]

Well PB on him. He obviously was not willing to be the supportive one to help you get thru this time, so maybe it is best that he goes which might in the end alleviate one of the stressful issues in your life. You are not the only one that has had significant restriction issues. There have been others on this board that had problems with their band slamming shut even though they were completely unfilled. Take heart that we are with you and you will get thru this yucky time and come out a stronger person on the other side. When you did find that perfect man, let me know if he has a brother.

[nothereanymore]

Its funny, I'm telling my boyfriend tonight - he has no clue. Don't know how he's going to take it - I think it will be difficult for him. He does have an issue and doesn't understand why people become overweight and I try to explain - but he looks at me sideways since I'm a size 0 or 2 now and tells me I have no idea and how could I understand - I just start cracken my ass up and he wonders whats come over me.....

He knows I don't eat much, he can't tell by my body..... (Thank you Dr Nyte) I'm kind of looking forward to it in a weird way, I think I must just have a little bit of evil in me. My thought if he doesn't love me knowing that I use to be over twice as big, (145 lost to date....) that's his issue and he just needs to get over it - or move over and get out of my way.

And the reason I didn't tell in the first place - I've been so open with my weight loss - I got tired of living for the fact that I use to be morbidly obese - wanted to live normal without out that huge old shadow of me in the way. It was the wrong thing to do - I care a lot for him (love him) and he loves me as well - I should have been honest in the first place before it got to this point.

Lesson learned - I'll update tomorrow. (I put a picture as my avitar of him and I together last week at a party - if its still up tomorrow we're still together - if its just me - he didn't take it to well and we're done...)

(Hello everyone)

Lisa

[PAMMIE]

I put a picture as my avitar of him and I together last week at a party - if its still up tomorrow we're still together - if its just me - he didn't take it to well and we're done...)

(Hello everyone)

Lisa

LOL TOO FUNNY LISA

[jhawkchick75]

Too funny! Let us know how the conversation goes! I haven't had to deal with it yet, but hopefully maybe some boys will come calling and it will be an issue - i'm working on it!

[EcMjawad1]

Hi Lisa and all,

Lisa thanks for this latest post...it gives another side to a very personal journey, issue, emotional spot, you name it. I am still a baby on my new journey so this is another thought to a life long issue..and a problem that most likely won't come up for me for awhile, but great information to store....thanks again.

[nothereanymore]

I'm such a dork - we're still together but I chicken'd out and didn't tell him I had the band or how much I use to weigh. I told him I use to be overweight and he said, what does that mean to you - 5 pounds? (that's the weight of one of my old meals - so nooooo - didn't say that though). I said more and we kept it up for a while - he asked if I ever weighed more than 2 bills (had to ask what that meant - its 200 lbs) I said yes - he looked at me sideways and I was a bigger dork and started crying - poor guy - he started crying and said it didn't matter and that was the end of that....

Anyhow - it is what is is - I'm just going to "weight" it out at this point. I told him to watch Shallow Hal because that's what I see us as - (he's never seen it or heard of it) and I told him I was Rosemary, he's Hal - we'll see....

I kept a pair of really sexy underwear that I had when I was close to 300, I should watch the movie with him and throw those at him at just the right spot of it. (Could be scary).... They are huge - just like Rosemary's for those who've seen it.

[AngieB]

I'm such a dork - we're still together but I chicken'd out and didn't tell him I had the band or how much I use to weigh. I told him I use to be overweight and he said, what does that mean to you - 5 pounds? (that's the weight of one of my old meals - so nooooo - didn't say that though). I said more and we kept it up for a while - he asked if I ever weighed more than 2 bills (had to ask what that meant - its 200 lbs) I said yes - he looked at me sideways and I was a bigger dork and started crying - poor guy - he started crying and said it didn't matter and that was the end of that....

Anyhow - it is what is is - I'm just going to "weight" it out at this point. I told him to watch Shallow Hal because that's what I see us as - (he's never seen it or heard of it) and I told him I was Rosemary, he's Hal - we'll see....

I kept a pair of really sexy underwear that I had when I was close to 300, I should watch the movie with him and throw those at him at just the right spot of it. (Could be scary).... They are huge - just like Rosemary's for those who've seen it.

OMgoodness Lisa your sense of humor about this is so funny! I am sending you well wishes on the panty sling fling! LOL

In all seriousness, you have REALLY changed you life. I am sure if he thinks you are as great as well all do, all will be well. You'll pry chuckle after this is all said and done about the "telling" part.

Good fortune to you girl!

Angie

[magkai1]

Lisa, why did I think you were married a long time?

Margaret

[EcMjawad1]

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for your continued story..it brings both a smile/shudder to my face. I wonder what I would do in your spot...hmm, it's weird how even after loosing weight the "fat mentality" is still ingrained in all of us. It is another testament to how our society is conditioned. Good luck, and keep us posted..where did you find sexy panties at 300 pnds? When I was 268 I could never find them...Just now able to buy them, but for me its wonderful how things like that makes you feel so much better about yourself. Much better than food!

[nothereanymore]

Hey Margaret,

I was married for a long time - over 29 years, started dating my husband in 77, (we met when I was still in HS) and we married in 80. Its funny, (you've got to laugh at things sometimes

;-) otherwise life just isn't fun). I had problems in my married life for a long time and started on my weightloss voyage to actually save my marriage and realized it doesn't matter if you're fat, thin - whatever - we are great friends, but bad married people - and losing weight couldn't fix it. It fixed me and made me a better, stonger, happier person so I think I could with more dignaty and in a kinder way let go of my marriage, we still care about each other and have stayed friends. It was hard, but you look at it and suddenly we start asking whats the best thing for us, not for everyone else (which I use to focuse on before). He's been dating and the lady he is seeing now is rather big. Its cool, it is what it is.

Here I am at almost 48, living alone in an apartment for the first time in my life (I left my family home right to my husband) dating a poor guy who has to deal with the fact that not only is he dating someone who has only dated one other person in their life - and hasn't been on a date with anyone one else since the original Star Wars was in theatres.... Add to the fact she use to be huge.... I don't know how he puts up with me..

On another note - I could always find sexy big panties at Lane Bryan, and I was almost 300 pounds (I truely don't believe I hit that mark - really I could have and never known it - but I hope I didn't). Its not that its bad we just all have our limits... I always see myself as a fat person, that's why I think my guy thinks I'm so special, I'm differant - everyone is very beautiful to me, I have a lot of understanding and I don't see myself as beautiful or thin - I'm still "Big Lisa" and that was my nickname.....

If you're not happy, change things, its never too late. I'm loving life right now!

Lisa

[Smiley]

If you're not happy, change things, its never too late. I'm loving life right now!

I don't think I can change anything else right now. LapBand in 2008, TT and Arm Lift in 2009 and red hair in 2010. I now need someone on the other side of things to get to gettin'. I am being as patiently impatient as I can.