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So i have been on my own now for 1 week. It has been wonderful. I feel so independant. My husband and i talk at least 2 times a day and we have gotten along all week. BUT- Tonght I am a bit hurt. As I was talking to him on the phone today at about 4:30 he told me that our kids were going to spend the night at a friend of ours who is going thru a divorce. SHE is absolutely beautiful. She once dated a Lou diamond Phillips. anyway, I thought that would be cool cause she just moved into the area with her brother (who is in California, moving his stuff here to South dakota) My kids and her kids get along great. She is a dear girl, she really is. I had to call my husband at about 7:00 to ask a question and it was sooooo loud in the background. I asked if the kids changed their minds if they did not want to spend the night at her house and he said no, they were still going to but they had a BBQ at his house before. i asked him why he did not tell me there was a BBQ and he just said. Well....I don't know. So supposedly we are supposed to be trying to work this out and in the meantime he is BBQing with a single gorgeous woman. He really does not see the harm in this. he has been taking her around showing her the area all week. Just the two of them.

I called about 2 weeks ago and asked her if there was anything between my hubby and her. (I was very respectful, just wanted to know the truth) She told me that she saw him as her little brother since she met him when he was 12 and her brother and my husband are best friends. I completely believed her because she was my friend before I even met my husband. I just can't seem to exorcise the green-eyed monster. I am seriously going nutso here. Guess what I want to do? EAT!!!!!! I left to go to wal=mart at 8:30 tonight just so i could get out of the house and keep my mind busy. I am so hurt by this. Any and all advise would be greatly appreciated. I also need a word of encouragement to stay focused. I can pretty much eat whatever I want. I try not to but it gets so difficult when I am so gosh darn emotional. I have not gained and I have not lost in some time but it is only a matter of time before I do gain because the stuff I do eat is not what I would call healthy. Someone get me in control here, please.

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OK, I'm actually not going to tell you what I think about them because its not important. It really isn’t. I'm going to focus on you, you are the important one here.

Whether or not they are in a relationship - who knows, but more importantly you can't allow this to drive you to overeat, eat the wrong foods, eat things that can hurt you. This is the time when you need to focus on you, kick some friggen ass here and right now it’s your own that you need to kick. Focus on turning your emotions into a driving force that kick starts your weight loss and muscle gain. You are on a journey to a new you, you already let him control you, how did that help???? What did you turn into???? its your turn now to own your destiny and I’m telling you right here and now you are prettiest girl on this forum. You are most likely much more beautiful than that girl and I’m sure she’s as nice as pie…. But you can kick her ass in the looks department any day, and I know pretty.

Don’t let this hurt you or take you off the course, let it be a driving force to help you get you back, that beautiful healthy person that you are. If I can go from a size 22 to a size 6 you can beat me any day of the week. Get on the boat here, don’t think about food, think about exercise and turn yourself into the goddess you are meant to be! (Trust me, this will be better than anything else you can do)!!

Get the protein in the morning, start moving every chance you get - get on track and get motivated!!! Seriously, gaining anything back is not going to help – you have a tool in you that you can make work and you will be so surprised and how differently people treat you when you loose weight.

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OK, I'm actually not going to tell you what I think about them because its not important. It really isn’t. I'm going to focus on you, you are the important one here.

Whether or not they are in a relationship - who knows, but more importantly you can't allow this to drive you to overeat, eat the wrong foods, eat things that can hurt you. This is the time when you need to focus on you, kick some friggen ass here and right now it’s your own that you need to kick. Focus on turning your emotions into a driving force that kick starts your weight loss and muscle gain. You are on a journey to a new you, you already let him control you, how did that help???? What did you turn into???? its your turn now to own your destiny and I’m telling you right here and now you are prettiest girl on this forum. You are most likely much more beautiful than that girl and I’m sure she’s as nice as pie…. But you can kick her ass in the looks department any day, and I know pretty.

Don’t let this hurt you or take you off the course, let it be a driving force to help you get you back, that beautiful healthy person that you are. If I can go from a size 22 to a size 6 you can beat me any day of the week. Get on the boat here, don’t think about food, think about exercise and turn yourself into the goddess you are meant to be! (Trust me, this will be better than anything else you can do)!!

Get the protein in the morning, start moving every chance you get - get on track and get motivated!!! Seriously, gaining anything back is not going to help – you have a tool in you that you can make work and you will be so surprised and how differently people treat you when you loose weight.

God Bless you Lisa,

You said what i need to hear. I am going to be a new me with or without the husband in the picture. Thanks

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Stay strong girl!! Just think how he will feel when you are thin and healthy! Who will be jealous then?? That right there would keep me from eating! You can do this!!

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Guest CaraMBA09
OK, I'm actually not going to tell you what I think about them because its not important. It really isn’t. I'm going to focus on you, you are the important one here.

Whether or not they are in a relationship - who knows, but more importantly you can't allow this to drive you to overeat, eat the wrong foods, eat things that can hurt you. This is the time when you need to focus on you, kick some friggen ass here and right now it’s your own that you need to kick. Focus on turning your emotions into a driving force that kick starts your weight loss and muscle gain. You are on a journey to a new you, you already let him control you, how did that help???? What did you turn into???? its your turn now to own your destiny and I’m telling you right here and now you are prettiest girl on this forum. You are most likely much more beautiful than that girl and I’m sure she’s as nice as pie…. But you can kick her ass in the looks department any day, and I know pretty.

Don’t let this hurt you or take you off the course, let it be a driving force to help you get you back, that beautiful healthy person that you are. If I can go from a size 22 to a size 6 you can beat me any day of the week. Get on the boat here, don’t think about food, think about exercise and turn yourself into the goddess you are meant to be! (Trust me, this will be better than anything else you can do)!!

Get the protein in the morning, start moving every chance you get - get on track and get motivated!!! Seriously, gaining anything back is not going to help – you have a tool in you that you can make work and you will be so surprised and how differently people treat you when you loose weight.

Lisa - well said my friend!

I am suspicious of the situation as well, but Lisa is right..you now need to focus on YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. screw his immaturaty and petty ways.

Nothing is ever simple when relationships are involved. I would seriously question why is this man (your husband) allowing your children to stay the night at a strangers home?? That seems terribly irresponsible to me! Who cares if he has known her since he was 12! Your children do not know her and this could potentially be an issue in court when parenting plans are put into place. Judges take everything into consideration when it comes to the well-being of children and how parents behave!!Been there...done that.

Be strong and just know that all your friends here are rooting for you.

C

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Heidi, Lisa said it very well. Right now you separated to have some space and time for reflection and to give yourself that space, physically AND emotionally. Easier said than done I know. Try to look at this as your time to grow, no not bigger physically but mentally. Try to totally distance yourself from this "situation" because after all you are separated. You each need time and space to figure this out. Maybe this is something that in the long run if it is "a thing" will show him how much he truly does need and love you and want this to work. If anything it's a diversional rebound thing that allows him to not do the work he needs to do right now emotionally. He is directing his attention on this "friend" just as you would turn to food...it's just a way to avoid what truly needs to happen here. Now this is just an opinion of someone who really doesn't know but wants to help you focus on you, not him!! Don't get caught up in anything he is doing, yes it's hard and you feel left out but this was a choice you made to be on your own for awhile or forever, who knows. Do the work necessary to figure that out and that means focusing on you, your health, your commitment to the band and of course your kids. But you must come first in doing what it takes to walk through this season in your life. As all seasons this will change over time, even from day to day and hour to hour sometimes. But it is just that.... a season that will have a distinct end and you will come into another season. Could be winter or it could be spring!!.

A little saying that my mom gave me is this.."Surely as cometh the winter I know there are spring violets under the snow"

Many hugs to you kiddo, you can get through this.

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Guest CaraMBA09
Heidi, Lisa said it very well. Right now you separated to have some space and time for reflection and to give yourself that space, physically AND emotionally. Easier said than done I know. Try to look at this as your time to grow, no not bigger physically but mentally. Try to totally distance yourself from this "situation" because after all you are separated. You each need time and space to figure this out. Maybe this is something that in the long run if it is "a thing" will show him how much he truly does need and love you and want this to work. If anything it's a diversional rebound thing that allows him to not do the work he needs to do right now emotionally. He is directing his attention on this "friend" just as you would turn to food...it's just a way to avoid what truly needs to happen here. Now this is just an opinion of someone who really doesn't know but wants to help you focus on you, not him!! Don't get caught up in anything he is doing, yes it's hard and you feel left out but this was a choice you made to be on your own for awhile or forever, who knows. Do the work necessary to figure that out and that means focusing on you, your health, your commitment to the band and of course your kids. But you must come first in doing what it takes to walk through this season in your life. As all seasons this will change over time, even from day to day and hour to hour sometimes. But it is just that.... a season that will have a distinct end and you will come into another season. Could be winter or it could be spring!!.

A little saying that my mom gave me is this.."Surely as cometh the winter I know there are spring violets under the snow"

Many hugs to you kiddo, you can get through this.

Beautiful quote Julie...that is a keeper!

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Well Lisa and Julie said it all...and they are right! Focus on you and your children and you will be truly happy.

He's not worth it, but you are!!!

You are are beautiful person inside and out and lookin' hot is the best revenge...let that be your drive to get back on track and rock it girl!!!

(((HUGS))))

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Thank you all!!!! You are all right of course (as always ^_^ ) I have decided to let happen what is going to happen. My stressing about it will not change the outcome. If he wants her, then I will go on and be a better me. If it is truly just friendship they are getting out of the deal then we can move forward with working things out and I will still be a better me. Period. So here is to the motivation that you are all so good at giving ><' . I do not know what I would do without you.

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Who needs a man anyway!!! I just hung up my own drapes all by myself. I am beginning to like the idea of powertools :P . I am goin to have to get me some of those!!!!!!!!

EXACTLY!! in fact there are many battery operated things that make me questions whether a man is truly needed or not. :D

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Guest CaraMBA09
EXACTLY!! in fact there are many battery operated things that make me questions whether a man is truly needed or not. :D

OMG

I had just taken a drink of water and nearly choked...LOL :D

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All good advice, and don't forget that everything happens for a reason.

On the other hand are you girls talking about BOB :wub:

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So i have been on my own now for 1 week. It has been wonderful. I feel so independant. My husband and i talk at least 2 times a day and we have gotten along all week. BUT- Tonght I am a bit hurt. As I was talking to him on the phone today at about 4:30 he told me that our kids were going to spend the night at a friend of ours who is going thru a divorce. SHE is absolutely beautiful. She once dated a Lou diamond Phillips. anyway, I thought that would be cool cause she just moved into the area with her brother (who is in California, moving his stuff here to South dakota) My kids and her kids get along great. She is a dear girl, she really is. I had to call my husband at about 7:00 to ask a question and it was sooooo loud in the background. I asked if the kids changed their minds if they did not want to spend the night at her house and he said no, they were still going to but they had a BBQ at his house before. i asked him why he did not tell me there was a BBQ and he just said. Well....I don't know. So supposedly we are supposed to be trying to work this out and in the meantime he is BBQing with a single gorgeous woman. He really does not see the harm in this. he has been taking her around showing her the area all week. Just the two of them.

I called about 2 weeks ago and asked her if there was anything between my hubby and her. (I was very respectful, just wanted to know the truth) She told me that she saw him as her little brother since she met him when he was 12 and her brother and my husband are best friends. I completely believed her because she was my friend before I even met my husband. I just can't seem to exorcise the green-eyed monster. I am seriously going nutso here. Guess what I want to do? EAT!!!!!! I left to go to wal=mart at 8:30 tonight just so i could get out of the house and keep my mind busy. I am so hurt by this. Any and all advise would be greatly appreciated. I also need a word of encouragement to stay focused. I can pretty much eat whatever I want. I try not to but it gets so difficult when I am so gosh darn emotional. I have not gained and I have not lost in some time but it is only a matter of time before I do gain because the stuff I do eat is not what I would call healthy. Someone get me in control here, please.

I would have to say that I would have a hard time with that too. I think that is a bit insensitive of the both of them. And you said it has only been one week? I admit, I have male friends but if I seperated from my husband and was out running around with a guy a week later, I bet he would be asking me questions. You had every right to ask. I think the thing I would be looking at is why did I seperate from this person in the first place. Those reasons are the same whether he is running with someone or not. That does not change the problems. The one thing that you need to remember is that you could be doing the same thing. Look at you, you are beautiful, is he stupid or what? No matter what happens, you are one hot lady. You will have no problem finding a new, even better love. But the first thing you have to do is work on you. If he wants to be stupid and jump into something new without working on his issues then so be it. He will fail in whatever relationship he has. But you on the other had, if you work on your issues, when you do meet someone else, you will be ready. I know it is hard. But remember you are the better person here, dont eat and throw a party of food. Remember that you are a wonderful, bright, beautiful woman. If you hold your head up, he is going to see what he is missing. You may even decided you dont want him anymore. Now lets go over there and slap down that girl--- ha! kidding.

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This may be a stupid question but where does one find a "powertool"?

Also, thanks stormy. we should go out and kick some skinny stick butt ;)

ahh... well as a former "pleasure party" hostess I will tell you that you can find some great stuff online. I have no problem going into adult stores but find that reading the descriptions online are easier/better for me. Here is a linke you might like :)

http://www.mypleasure.com/education/sex-to...e/for_women.asp

click on "what she wants" on the right. Great descriptions and even feedback! woo..

and yes... I keep my powertools in in my bedside drawer ... and I agree w/ Kitty... BOB never talks back and doesn't get mad when i dont' want to cuddle after. :o

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You gals are funny on the power tools. Adam And Eve have complete discretion as well ^_^

I've been reading relationship articles and came across this one. I am not in the best marriage right now and have applied this to my life now, and it's working. My husband is actually intrigued on my change. This is actually from a surviving infidelity website. No, no infidelity here, just the marriage is having some downs right now and I am researching how to change things.

BS=Betrayed Spouse

WW=Wayward Wife

WH=Wayward Husband

OP=Other Person

OM=Other Man

OW=Other Woman

I tried to single space, but not enough room. You might want to copy and paste in a word doc.

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

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Wow, that is, wow. I know my marriage is not that great. but I will not live in a marriage where I can not express how I feel or even communicate. At that point, I am outta here! I have told my husband two times already that I was going to leave him if he did not straighten up. I was completely serious. Life is to short to put up with a bunch of crap. My husband is a great dad, great provider, an all around great person but he has a bad attitude at times. He does not think well of himself and he gets angry alot and yells. I have no idea why he does this, but I flat out tell him to knock it off. He started getting treatment for ADD and it has helped alot but he still has no patience and at times is down right nasty. He doesn't even know he does it. I have to put him in his place. Then he is fine. He never curses at me, has never called me names and has never touched me in a bad way. I would say were we are lacking is in the bedroom, mostly because we were so fat. There is no passion when you are trying to find a way to even be together because you are so big. It is terrible. He got so big that I didn't even want him touching me, why bother. Phsyically we have lost the connection. I am hoping with the weight loss it will come back. Even though I have to put him in his place, we still talk, we are friends. I feel like he is my partner. I tell him he is may partner in crime. HA! I am not sure he is my soul mate but I feel safe with him. I wish there were more men out there like him, then women would not have to live in bad relationships. I am not saying that all women are in bad relationships. I am saying that if you can't be who you are, then get out, that is just my opinion.

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You gals are funny on the power tools. Adam And Eve have complete discretion as well ^_^

I've been reading relationship articles and came across this one. I am not in the best marriage right now and have applied this to my life now, and it's working. My husband is actually intrigued on my change. This is actually from a surviving infidelity website. No, no infidelity here, just the marriage is having some downs right now and I am researching how to change things.

BS=Betrayed Spouse

WW=Wayward Wife

WH=Wayward Husband

OP=Other Person

OM=Other Man

OW=Other Woman

I tried to single space, but not enough room. You might want to copy and paste in a word doc.

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

Perfect post Donna,

I am guilty of all of the above. I am going to come back to this post each time i feel weak. thanks for the wisdom

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Guest CaraMBA09
Perfect post Donna,

I am guilty of all of the above. I am going to come back to this post each time i feel weak. thanks for the wisdom

Great information. Wow. I copied and put into a word document

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