I am feeling strong emotions. Some admittedly are unhealthy. I really want to lash out and say cutting remarks. So far, I have remained silent. By keeping silent, it fuels my anger inside. What do I turn to? Food. Gosh I wish I could snap my fingers and be the picture of health. Not feel all twisted inside when things from the past surface. I get really tired of this darn onion and its layers. For example, when my mother, who by the way I love dearly, brings up Kenny and his wife, I want to make a remark like this: Oh…Kenny, the man who use to have me stroke his penis….. Now that doesn’t do anyone a bit of good. By doing my best to take the high road during this time, I am putting myself through more emotional toil.

To add to my stress, I have my cat, which is urinating on my carpet. This is not acceptable. I have run the gamut with solutions. Moving the cat box to where he is peeing, spraying the cat deterrent on the area where he has urinated, as well as keeping the cat box super duper clean. When he gets mad, he does his deal. Cleo is very special to me, and I love HIM so much. My son loves him and the cat loves my son. It kills me to think of surrendering him, or having him put down. He is so affectionate and I’ve had him for 8 years. Nothing is wrong with him, other than his has a strong personality. This is putting a strain on me, and my husband. God bless my husband, he know how much I love Cleo and has been very supportive. Jim has even helped clean the cat box, and has been great about steam cleaning the carpet. He is being supportive and letting me come to terms with this. When I think I can have him put to sleep, something happens and I change my mind. Like I see how well Daniel and he get along. It makes me sad. I don’t know what to do.

Me being me, I feel this stress and I want to eat. If food is not the problem, than eating is NOT the answer. When I turn to food, I feel bad for eating. Then I step on the scale and feel worse for gaining weight. Insanity is repeating the same behavior expecting a different result. I want to stop the insanity!

Last night, I asked Jim to feed him and Lil D. I went up and lay in bed. Had some solace time. Amazing what an hour of me time will do. I laid there and let myself feel, just be. It felt good not to pay attention to myself and not have to push myself or have any responsibilities’. Then my hubby and son came up, we watched a cartoon with Lil D and put him to bed. We turned in early, I was emotionally tired.

My two days of eating racked up 1.5 lbs of extra weight. Not to bad, not that great either. I don’t want to give Kenny power over me. When I eat to feed my feelings I am directing energy and power in a misguided direction. Today, I am empowering myself. I am going to eat healthy and take care of myself. I can feel emotional pain and not have to eat. Today, I am making a change for the good! Thank goodness for this band! I am so grateful to have it.