Well, blogging while finishing a Master's degree doesn't work so well, but in an effort to keep busy this last week I want to try and write all the things going through my mind. This last couple of weeks have been surprisingly hard - mentally - the thought that a person could fight themselves so much is pretty amazing - the whole power of the mind and all that. Luckily I figured these few weeks would be hard so I laid low and have tried to work on my mental readiness for my band. First there was a period of grief - yep, the whole "I won't be able to shove feelings down with food" period, followed by the "I have to give up my "fat" shield and let people see "me"," period - which was especially hard and scary not to mention I had to talk to the mental me to tell her it was very important that I do this for my health - 100 pounds is no joke. So the grief period was followed by the anger period you know the "Why do I have to give up my security measures?" and "how dare they (whose they? Me?)make me do this for my health" now really, how stupid does that sound. But today I woke up to the Resolved period - The "I know this won't be easy, but its my last chance at health," to "I will have more of the other two periods, but I need to learn new ways to handle them, without food," to the "I can and will do this for myself." Its time to take care of me and my needs -- new concept I have been working on since the death of my husband and my kids out of the house..Self Care...wow what a concept..and still learning just what that means, like how to say No so someone - or knowing when you really want to say NO...still working out that one, but by laying low this past week I said No to a few people, and it wasn't as hard as I thought. So really for me half the battle is won - the ability to admit I need help, that it won't be easy to let feelings surface, that its time to give up food as comfort. The other half of the battle will be for me to know and learn what it is I really need and how to practice self care..