Telling your family

[RevyD]

Hi everyone. I have struggled with weight all my life and of course my parents and siblings have always said I need more discipline, eat less, excerise more etc etc. Of course I did that for the last 40 years only to lose and regain repeatedly.

I know the lap band will work for me but now my problem is how to tell my family that I am going to do it.

I live in Canada so part of me would just like to go and not say anything but the other part knows my family would never forgive me when they found out.

Did any of you have issues telling family and if so how did you deal with it? I know they will all freak out when I tell them I am going to Mexico and taking out a loan to do this.

Look forward to hearing from you

[JessicaATL]

Good Luck! I am struggling with the same thing. I guess I better tell them soon, since I am supposed to leave in two weeks! I am also curious to see what people responses are. The main thing, is you are doing it for you, but it is an added stress when family isn't supportive.

[RevyD]

Thanks Jessica. Only 2 weeks for you hey. Please let me know how your family took the news and keep me posted about your surgery. I will be sending good thoughts your way

I am hoping to go the end of September.

[lea32]

Hi guys! I was banded just over a couple of months ago. I chose to only tell my fiance and a few of my close friends and literally did not tell my my family...not my only sister, nor my parents but with the exception of my 13 year old daughter bcuz I didn't want to hide it from her. I know it sounds silly that I told my young daughter and not my famiy but I knew I would be in great hands with Dr. Ortiz@the OCC but also bcuz I didn't want the judgement, nor criticism that I anticipated if I revealed my master plan with my immediate. My sister had the gastric bypass surgery a couple years ago (she has lost 150lbs and looks amazing) but had quite a few complications from it so I knew it would upset my parents if they knew I would be getting something of the same nature, not to mention I would be getting the surgery in Mexico. So, I chose not to tell them. My friends were all terrified for me but were very supportive. I did tell my sister a couple weeks after and she totally understood my initial hesitation but my parents still don't know and I don't feel the need to tell them right now or in the near future. My thing is, this is my battle and it's up to me as to how I want to fight the good fight with my new weapon (pardon the cheezy analogy =) ) No one but me knows the emotional and physical challenges and obstacles I have had to endure throughout my lifetime to get to a point where I can say that I LIKE the person staring back at me in the mirror because if I did, then my presence on this forum would cease to exist. Regardless of who you choose to tell of the journey that you will soon ensue, remember that whether their reaction is one of approval or dismay, THIS IS FOR YOU & NO ONE ELSE. Be confident, excited and fearless when you tell them and don't skip a beat. We deserve to be happy

[DisasterWalking73]

Well said, Lea. I'm with you - I'm telling my husband and a few of my closest friends - but my family? No. Well, let me take that back, I have told my mom and her response has been very negative. I don't need that kind of stress, so now I'm sorry I told her. Oh, and I have told my kids 10 & 5 - they handled it much more maturely than my mom did.

Hi guys! I was banded just over a couple of months ago. I chose to only tell my fiance and a few of my close friends and literally did not tell my my family...not my only sister, nor my parents but with the exception of my 13 year old daughter bcuz I didn't want to hide it from her. I know it sounds silly that I told my young daughter and not my famiy but I knew I would be in great hands with Dr. Ortiz@the OCC but also bcuz I didn't want the judgement, nor criticism that I anticipated if I revealed my master plan with my immediate. My sister had the gastric bypass surgery a couple years ago (she has lost 150lbs and looks amazing) but had quite a few complications from it so I knew it would upset my parents if they knew I would be getting something of the same nature, not to mention I would be getting the surgery in Mexico. So, I chose not to tell them. My friends were all terrified for me but were very supportive. I did tell my sister a couple weeks after and she totally understood my initial hesitation but my parents still don't know and I don't feel the need to tell them right now or in the near future. My thing is, this is my battle and it's up to me as to how I want to fight the good fight with my new weapon (pardon the cheezy analogy =) ) No one but me knows the emotional and physical challenges and obstacles I have had to endure throughout my lifetime to get to a point where I can say that I LIKE the person staring back at me in the mirror because if I did, then my presence on this forum would cease to exist. Regardless of who you choose to tell of the journey that you will soon ensue, remember that whether their reaction is one of approval or dismay, THIS IS FOR YOU & NO ONE ELSE. Be confident, excited and fearless when you tell them and don't skip a beat. We deserve to be happy

[RevyD]

Okay as you can see I keep screwing up the reply. I finally figured out which reply to hit when I want to respond

Thank you both for your responces. It is interesting how we all are and were reluctant to tell family. I still am not sure what I am going to do. I have a daughter that my parents will have to watch and they will want to know where I am going, what I am doing and how much it is is going to cost

I still have a bit of time to decide so I quess I will keep praying about it .

I do appreciate your advice.

Thanks

[Lindsay]

my boyfriend knows .. my mom knows, and my sister knows.

and ONE Of my best friends' knows.

That's it.

I didn't (and don't) feel it's anyone's business.

[nothereanymore]

I've been very open, told my family, not everyone right away - but when the moment was right or if I was asked how I was losing the weight - I was honest about my band.

I'm not looking for approval and I didn't get any negative responses - just questions, which can sound negative when you're just getting the band, and if they ask why you are going to Mexico for it, Dr. Ortiz's reputation and experience makes that an easy explanation - just pull his website and credentials. Anyone with half a brain can figure out why you’d go to him.

Be aware that it’s generally a pretty emotional time for us when we first get our band; we're making a huge change in our lifestyle and can take things personally. If anyone was negative I'd probably shut them down, it’s my body, my life and my decision - they can support it, or not - but if not - they need to keep it to themselves. We have enough to deal with in learning how to succeed with our band, as well as dealing with the emotional issues that come from not being able to rely on food anymore to deal with our emotions. (For me it was a big change to not be able to “eat” through my emotions).

One note - as you go out and eat you do have to be good at hiding how you eat - which is different. (It’s nice to have a support system to help, at times I'd have help with eating all the food). I use to tell business associates that I was on a diet back in the day, now at a size 2 and still eating smaller amounts, it’s not working so well..... Its actually harder now than it was back when I was losing weight.

Best,

Lisa

[RevyD]

Thanks Lisa for sharing your experience and suggestions. Also congratulations on your weight loss. My only real anxiety over this is the airplane ride down and being to big for the seat and telling my family. I have not decided whether to tell them before or after. I know they will freak out and worry themselves sick If I tell them before. Yet I am concerned that they will be very angry if I get the surgery and tell them afterwards. I quess I will take your advice and just play it by ear and hope for the perfect timing.

[jhawkchick75]

For me it just depended on the person. Some friends and family knew right away and my mom went with me. I told those I knew would be supportive. I had some friends that were concerned and asked a lot of questions, but it was just b/c they cared. I've told others as the time is right as others did. Only the folks that I know will be supportive know. I have some friends that I adore, but they have been skinny their whole lives and they would just not get it. They think just eat salad and you will be OK. Although they have always been skinny and that is not what they do.

As you feel it is right tell who you want. Good luck!

[RevyD]

Thanks Shelby

[Kristi]

Most of my family has been supportive and I feel very blessed by it. My husband was very worried over the fact it was a surgery and I would be put under,

however, he has known my struggles with weight after our first child in 95. He did a lot of research with me when I finally decided what I needed to do for me.

The majority of my husbands family knows that I was banded and are very very supportive. In fact everytime I see them they seem to be amazed at my weightloss. My brother surprised me on vacation with the fact he was Happy that I was taking my life back and doing what I needed for me.

The only negative response was from my sister and she didn't seem to understand why I would do it. She told me I should do it the old fashion way by exercise and eating right, she never truly has had a weight issue. She also doesn't have thyroid issues since the birth of her first child.

I have known myself well enough both before and after my surgery that I have been doing this all for me.

It's true that I want to look good for my husband and I joke about planning to enter my 40s in a few years as my husbands hot arm candy,

but I am doing this wholly for me. What's that saying, It's all about me..

Other than that, only a few of my friends know, and the ones who don't well, don't need to know.

Good luck with your decision to share with your friends and family.

[RevyD]

Thanks Kristi and congratulations on your weight loss

[tootsie_lou]

I think it is harder at the outset to decide who will be told and who will not. If you were a seasoned weight loss/gain pro (ie, lost and gained weight on every diet, program, pill, etc) like I was, I know that I was really concerned that I could make the band work for me. I'm not a real "out there" person anyway, so I really didn't want to put myself in a position of having every one know I have the lapband and watching with me while it was another weight loss program at which I failed. I haven't lost weight all that quickly either, so having not told very many folks, I'm not bugged about why I am not at goal a year and half out. My teenage daughter also got the lapband the same time that I got mine. That raised a whole set of issues on its own, because she really didn't want a lot of folks to know she had it. We are grappling with the issue these days because my daughter's best friend is a beautiful girl but is seriously overweight. My daughter (who has lost 50 pounds and is at goal) is considering telling her friend as a means of it being a potential tool for her, too. You are wise to seriously consider who you would like to know, and who you know will protect that information as private once they are told.

[Charelle]

I think it is harder at the outset to decide who will be told and who will not. If you were a seasoned weight loss/gain pro (ie, lost and gained weight on every diet, program, pill, etc) like I was, I know that I was really concerned that I could make the band work for me. I'm not a real "out there" person anyway, so I really didn't want to put myself in a position of having every one know I have the lapband and watching with me while it was another weight loss program at which I failed. I haven't lost weight all that quickly either, so having not told very many folks, I'm not bugged about why I am not at goal a year and half out. My teenage daughter also got the lapband the same time that I got mine. That raised a whole set of issues on its own, because she really didn't want a lot of folks to know she had it. We are grappling with the issue these days because my daughter's best friend is a beautiful girl but is seriously overweight. My daughter (who has lost 50 pounds and is at goal) is considering telling her friend as a means of it being a potential tool for her, too. You are wise to seriously consider who you would like to know, and who you know will protect that information as private once they are told.

Oh my goodness....

I didn't even realize it, but you've hit the nail on the head for me! I don't plan on telling a lot of people anyway, but I think part of it is because I'm scared of failure again. I've been on every diet & exercise program imaginable and although I KNOW this is the right next step for me and the chances for a new life are even better than anything else I've tried, I'm scared of the judgement I'll receive should I not lose the weight fast enough.

The problem is, most people NOT in my situation have not done the research that I've done before venturing into this. I've got the doubters in my life....the people who tell me, "you know, you won't be able to eat that anymore" and "why can't you just eat less?". As much as I defend myself and my decision, it's still hard to almost feel "bullied" by my choices.

In any case, tootsie_lou, you were spot on. I wholeheartedly agree with you and will take your same tactic moving forward.

THANK YOU for the insite!

[RevyD]

Hi Dianna. Thank you so much for your input and congratulations to both you and your daughter for your decisions and weight loss

[AshleyB]

Im new to the forum. But I dont plan on telling people My husband and my one close friend will know, but I dont feel comfortable telling other friends and family. I know my family won't support it, and the last thing I want to hear is another person tell me that I should just "exersize and eat less".

[RevyD]

That is one of my concerns as well. I know that some of my family would just lecture, get angry and try to talk me out of it. I am just trying to figure out how I am going to tell them I am going away for 4 days and not tell them why

Any suggestions LOL

Also I am very new to the forum as well. Are you researching right now or have you set up a surgery date yet. Mine is On Sept 29th

[AshleyB]

Im just waiting on financing, and if that falls through scrounging up the money to cover the procedure. I dont know if I should schedual an appointment. Maybe I'll email and find out. Im praying, but trying not to get my hopes up. I dont know what I will tell family. Maybe that Im going to visit a friend out of town? I dont know LoL. I've never left my daughter before so they may pick up on that I'm being dishonest.

[RevyD]

I hope the financing goes through for you.

I am the same situation with family. I thought I would say going out of town to visit friends but I have a daughter as well and I need them to watch her while I'm gone

Oh well I have 4 weeks to come up with a good explanation . LOL

[DisasterWalking73]

Well, I hate to suggest dishonesty... (lol) but maybe you could imply that it's work-related travel. Indirectly, it is - since you will surely have more energy to do your job once your weight is down! Lol - I know, it's a stretch...

I hope the financing goes through for you.

I am the same situation with family. I thought I would say going out of town to visit friends but I have a daughter as well and I need them to watch her while I'm gone

Oh well I have 4 weeks to come up with a good explanation . LOL

[AshleyB]

Well just thought I'd share this. My financing fell through, so I needed a co-signer or the money my parents put away for me in a savings account. So I called my mom and told her. She flipped, saying I was a coward and taking the easy way out. And that she doesnt support it, its the wrong decision and that I can go ahead and kill myself... Amongst some other very horrible things she said to me.

So yeah. if your gut instinct tells you NOT to tell your family. Lie if you have to. DO NOT tell them.

[AngieB]

I am a teller. I'll break it down.

Before Surgery.

I told my immediate family on my side. Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, Uncle, and his partner.

Each of my close co-workers, which there are four of.

My dearest girlfriends, there are 5 of them.

My Primary Care Physician.

I sent a email full of info and links of websites to each of my family members so they could read and do some simple clicks to get better informed. Some of my family and co-workers and closest friends reacted fearfully for me. After reading the email MOST of them felt better about it.

After Surgery

My boss, because of the swine flu outbreak. My work was thinking of quarantining me.

Other co-workers when it felt right or I was asked.

Casual friends

People who still don't know.

Most of my fathers side of the family. We lost my Aunt to WLS complications in December of 2008 and the pain is very real and fresh for them. I am close to my cousins and do feel that someday I will share the news with them. Not right now. I feel a bit bad keeping it from them. It was very upsetting to my family when my Aunt Doris decided on the WLS and it was a stressful time for her.

I am a pretty open person, and by being open I have shared my expierence with strangers and friends. Each of them are having the surgery done. That is pretty neat.

I wish you the best in your decision. What is the most important thing to remember is you need to think of your mental health first. If someones upset by you doing this and it will bother you, I would put them to the back burner until you get back. Don't add more stress to yourself.

Angie

[RevyD]

Ashly I am so sorry to hear that your financing fell through and the terrible reaction you got from your mom. That must have been devastating and very hurtful. Words cut like a sword and are so hard to forget.

I will be praying that your heart heals and that you will be able to find a way to get the lap band.

[RevyD]

Hi Angie. I am a very open person as well and find it very hard to hide anything from family and friends ( usually can't). But in this situation I am thinking they will take it better after a few months when they see me getting more healthy.

If I told my parents now they would be very angry and upset and I don't want to be going into surgery with all that stress.

I will tell my best friend so that someone knows I am going.