My therapy session... lol

[wanttoliveagain]

Ok, first of all, I am so incredibly glad that I have lapbandforum.com and lapbandtalk.com for support. >

A month from today I will be banded. March 27, 2008. It's all kinda sinking in, because for the first few weeks after you have made a decision there is ALOT involved as far as paperwork, loans (if you are cash pay like me), and just getting loose ends tied up. When something life changing happens whether it is good or bad, for the most part shocking. I don't have any idea if my rambling will help anyone, but if it does, great. If not, well I had a little therapy session for myself. lol

So here goes... Hi, my name is Sofi, and I am a food addict. By the time I was 9 years old, I was wearing a size 12. By the time I was 16, I was 200 lbs. I am now at 268, and I am 26 (on 3/14). My whole life has been one diet after another. Each time, my hopes high, and ready to lose the weight I had desperately wanted to rid of for so long. Looking back, I honestly believe each diet and every attempt took a part of my hopes and faith in myself and ripped it in shreds.

As silly as it sounds, I actually TRIED becoming an alcoholic and tried to become a heavy smoker in hopes to transfer my addiction from one to the other so then that way I could actually lose weight. (That's logical right?? ) I had 2 boyfriends tell me over the years that I was too heavy to have enjoyable sex, and my body was just not easy to move around with. I was crushed. This past Thanksgiving I went to be with some of my family. My grandfather, who I hadn't seen in over a year, barely spoke to me but did long enough to ask "when I was going to start my Thanksgiving diet after all the food I had eaten." I thought he was joking, because in our family, food is like the WHOLE POINT of getting together! But then he started rambling about what he and my grandmother eat and how much they exercise, and that I could do it too if only I would put my mind to it. Holy crap... if it were only that easy.

Point of all this...I want a life change. I want to look back at my life right now in one year, and not recognize me. I have accepted that I have a love affair with food, and have my entire life. And like any great love, it's memory is with you forever. Sure you may move on, but you'll always be attached to your first love. Food has been there for me in good times in bad. It has never judged me, and so therefore I have a soft spot in my heart for going to food when something in my life isn't going right. Food let's me forget about the world and all it's problems. Although temporary, (as with any person with addiction), while it lasts it feels great. But I am to a point in my life where I have a decision to make about what direction I want to go.

I found out the other day I am borderline diabetic, my blood pressure was up, I was put on a SECOND anti-depressant medication. I hate that my life has come to this stage. I don't enjoy living. And it's so hard to say that, because I have a TREMENDOUS amount to be thankful for, which I am. My mom and step dad are wonderful, and I have several friends that are so incredibly supportive. But I am tired all the time, I have no motivation for anything, and I am on the medications of someone in their 90's at age 25. I don't know that I truly ever have enjoyed the physical side of my life. I have felt so crappy for so long, I don't know that I ever have really tasted life's sweetness. If ya ain't got your health baby, ya ain't got nothin'.

Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far. It feels great to let this out.

[fat2nrml]

I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YA!! BEEN THERE, DONE THAT , DON'T WANT TO DO IT NO MORE!! >

MY NAME IS DARLENE AND I'M ADDICTED TO FOOD, HAVE BEEN EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER. I WISH I WERE IN MY 20'S AGAIN AND HAD THIS OPPORTUNITY!! [i'M 43.5]

I'M GETTING BANDED ON THE 25TH AND CAN'T WAIT!! IT'S LIKE TIME'S GOING IN SLOW MOTION RIGHT NOW.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU..... I MIGHT SEE YOU IN PASSING, I'M LEAVING ON THE 27TH. :-h DARLENE

[magpel]

Hey Sofi,

Can I add while you (we) think of food as our great love, we MUST remember that a painful breakup is ahead of us. After all, being in love always hurts when it ends, right?

I was banded 2 weeks ago today. I've been going through very strange periods. I've been laying in bed til 1am - my mind racing about the strangest stuff. I've been watching tv commecials that I would have never much paid attention to before so strangly. While I've 'broken up' with food, and am in my healing process from such a hard breakup, I'm now in the resentful stage where I get so made at the producers of commercials for making things that are so bad for us look so good. How they appeal to the food addict - and how I would normally think 'hmm, that looks good, I'm feeling hungry' - Now I'm just just turned off by them.

I think what I'm really realizing is just like all those beautiful people you see in magizines - nothing as that good. Really, have you ever had a Big Mac that tasted as good as they make it look in the commercials? (ok, maybe you have) But really, it's all a gimic.

I'm a really good cook. I love to take care of people - it's time for me to step up and take care of myself. I'm honoring my commitment to the lap band, and working on my food issues. I almost feel like I'm going through some form a detox - haha - really, I laugh, but it seems like it. Especially right now since I'm unable to eat solid foods, even if I wanted to. Every morning I wake up proud of myself. I'm choosing the right things, even in this early stage of my new life.

Good Luck to you all! AND remember -

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

Much Peace and Success,

Maggie

[Kim2BSlim]

I think you are doing exactly what you need to do to feel better about yourself! You are gonna feel great! MY name is Kim and I will arrive March 26th to be banded on the 28th. Hopefully we can meet up and be there for each other. =D>

[wanttoliveagain]

Hi ladies, and thank you SOOOOO much for responding back. Only addicts like myself understand what this process is like. That's really cool 2 of you are getting banded almost the same day I am, but I am going to be going to a town just a few hours away to get banded, so I won't be able to meet any of you in person. ( But I ABSOLUTELY want to keep connected throughout our journey together online. This place has been a a lifeline to me, and I haven't even been banded yet!!! We are all breaking up with the same boyfriend (food)... so we know his tricks and how he has led us all into a false sense of security. It's amazing to have other women on my side and know exactly where I am coming from with out judgment or question. And the same goes here. No judgment. I'm sure at some point we have all done things we look back now and kinda think we had lost our minds, but it's always nice to get it off your chest and see that there are other people out there just as nuts as you!!!

[tme2lvme]

Hello Gals~

My name is Joni and I am food druggie. I love food. Food consumes me. I loved everything each of you had to say about yourselves. I am looking to be banded here in Oklahoma (unless my insurance will cover me in Mexico), and I have a seminar in March to go to. I can't wait! I am so tired of food controlling me. I am 25 (26 in May), 270ish, 5'5, and tired of hearing that roaring lion(my hunger). I think my problem is definately overeating (with the exception of my icecream addiction). I have all the same food issues you've had or heard of before. I hate myself because of my body. The big girl with the wonderful personality to make up for the fat. I feel shackled to this unkept temple I own. I feel like with the right tools (the lapband to keep me from overeating) and the gym membership I own but am to tired to use, I can be free from this disease. I don't know if I have any of the complications that come with weight, but I do know that I am usually more tired when I get up in the morning than when I went to bed. I know that my blood pressure borders hypertension almost every time I take it (not often, just the occassional moments at walmart lol). I can hardly fit my batwings in the cuff though. I am on antidepressants, but I didn't start taking those until after having my son. I think that was just the icing on the cake though. My self esteem was awful to begin with, then I was under pressure of trying to be the "perfect" mom. Diabetes? Who knows. I try to avoid going anywhere that requires me to step on a scale including the doctor's office. Anyway, like the rest of you, I am ready to start LIVING my life. My husband is sooo supportive of whatever I choose or don't choose to do, but I want and need this for me. I don't even know who all I am going to tell about this surgery. I don't want to hear anything from those I'm close with, good or bad. I don't need to hear "Oh, but honey, you don't look that big" HELLO!!! Can you not hear the clap of thunder from these thighs? If you look anywhere below the belt on me you will see where 90% of that 270lbs. sits. Okay, okay...I suppose it's time for me to zip it. I'm beginning to bash on myself. It's just when I am so sick of myself in this body, I totally can't see how no one else is. I love this forum, and I love each of you, even though we have never met. You are all kindred spirits fighting the same battles. All of you do it to it! Helen Keller said it best "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.""One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."

Start soaring in the sunshine girls.

Much love and admiration,

Joni

[lisalisa21]

Thank you so much for posting Sofi!! With less than 4 days til my surgery I'm starting to get a little scared and nervous...and to be honest a bit angry. I couldn't figure out why I've been so angry lately but I think it has almost entirely to do with the fact the I'm already missing my "relationship" with food. Trying to get others that don't deal with this type of addiction to understand has proven to be quite a challenge...so I've stopped trying. I'm doing what I need to to take care of myself and my health and in the end that's all that matters. I was a skinny kid and gained most of my weight after high school and the bulk of it about 4 years ago. I'm 5'7", 27 years old and 245 pounds. I can actually remember saying to myself about 3 years ago that I would NEVER allow myself to get heavier than 200 pounds...needless to say that little pep talk didn't work out so well for me. So here I am, 4 days away from the surgery that I know will change my life. Thank you again for sharing and good luck with your surgery and new life!

[Pat in Washington]

I was banded 10 days ago. While there, I heard of a great book from one of the other bandsters. I ordered it the day after I got home and received it yesterday. I would like to recomend it to everyone that is having surgery or thinking about having surgery. The book is "The Emotional First + Aid Kit A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery" by Cyntia L. Alexander. I bought mine at amazon.com.

Pat

[mlgpdx]

I love what everyone has written. I have had a long standing love affair with food as long as I can remember.

Has anyone else experienced the "panic" yet of the pre-op diet? I am 280lbs. I was 290 a month ago but dropped 10lbs doing weight watchers. Carolyn said I need to lose another 12lbs before surgery which should not be a problem.. BUT.. ever since I heard those words "you need to lose 12pds b/4 surgery with preop diet" I have been in food overload! I feel like I can't get enough of any and everything! Even when I don't want it. I am feeling worse about myself since deciding/scheduling the surgery than I did before it. Am I crazy? Does this make sense? Am I trying to sabatoge myself? What if I don't lose the weight? What if I'm even heavier than what I told Dr. Ortiz??? I am feeling depressed and sickenedat the though of this.

Mindy

[ella]

Mindy,

Try not to worry too much about losing the 12 pds. Like you, when I knew it was a few days before starting my pre-op diet I went to eating overtime. Knowing this was "the last supper" period before surgery. I ended up gaining 8 pounds before starting the pre-op. #-o What was i thinking? When i got on the scale the morning of the pre-op diet day I was shocked. I think it actually made me realize that I had a problem with food. I did my pre-op diet by the book. Lost the 8 pounds that I gained and the required 8-10 before surgery. I was banded on 1/17/08. I am now down 30 pounds and i feel like I have some control over my eating for the first time in my life. Good Luck!

Ella

[Mackenzie]

mindy- the preop diet is hard! i know what you are feeling, but the NOT eating after surgery is pretty hard as well. Just make sure you DO lose the weight or you have a possibility of being turned away once you get to TJ!! I did cheat when I did the pre-op. I would get sooo hungry that I would get home from work and eat anything, but i found that a spoonful of peanut butter (even though its fattening) really helped put my hunger at ease! So good luck!

Ella-

to hear that you feel like you have some control over your weight makes me feel at ease. I seriously am having food withdrawls! I just want to eat anything..but instead Im on all liquids since I just had surgery on 2.27. Did you feel this as well? I think that quitting smoking was easier than not eating. HELP

[Dontondan]

I too was a food junkie! I was banded in December and went through the withdrawals and feeling "deprived". It was mostly emotional, but I lost my BEST FRIEND! It has gotten easier with time and now I don't think about food nearly so much, but I do have my times when I have difficulty. My whole life revolved around the next meal......now I still kind of do that, but am thinking on terms of how I will get around eating the next meal.....I have to actually have a "game plan" to get myself to slow down and chew. I am enjoying my food much more, actually tasting things and the cravings are slowly dissapating. I can be satisfied with just a small amount if I do have a setback, and can recover quickly because of adverse effects on my body, PB ing or sliming! Yucky and embarrassing. Just hang in there, it will get better!

[mlgpdx]

I appreciate being able to talk to you guys about this Thank you! I started my pre-op diet today. Protein shake from breakfast & Lunch and a Lean Cuisine/WW etc... for dinner.

I also have salad and the spritzer spray dressing for when I must eat/chew something.

I am ready. I am committed. I would be absolutely mortified if I got to Mexico and couldn't get the surgery because I didn't lose the weight I needed to.

Thanks guys!

> > > > >

[Jacklynrae]

It is so nice to know I am not the only one that gets angry and frustrated and most of all sad when my food is taken away. I have a feeling I will be here looking for this kind of support because my surgery date is a month away but know that I must lose my weight before I get to Mexico. I guess all we truly have to focus on is not the trials but how good it will feel to be healthy and confident with our new bodies. Good luck to you all and we can do it!

Good luck and God bless,

Jacklyn

[Paula Bee]

Me, too!

Reality has dawned,

Paula

I appreciate being able to talk to you guys about this Thank you! I started my pre-op diet today. Protein shake from breakfast & Lunch and a Lean Cuisine/WW etc... for dinner.

I also have salad and the spritzer spray dressing for when I must eat/chew something.

I am ready. I am committed. I would be absolutely mortified if I got to Mexico and couldn't get the surgery because I didn't lose the weight I needed to.

Thanks guys!

> > > > >

[Bobbi]

I too have gone through it all too. I did go through therapy for a year now. And have learned a lot about my food addiction. It has been very eye opening for me. I am still struggling with the addiction, but as the weeks and months go by it is getting easier for me to walk past the fridge and food cupboards. My daughter is complaining because there is no food in the house. Uh but there is, fresh vegies, meat in freezer and lots and lots of protien shakes!!!!! I am scheduled for surgery on March 24 and have lost 28 pounds in the last 3 months. Yes very tough but I have done it. I made this decision a little ove a year ago when I was told I would loose my eyesight due to diabetes. This really woke me up but not until after eating myself up to 303 pounds. Scared yes I am, I am not doing this to be a pretty little thing, I am doing this strictly for health reason. Diabetes, high blood pressure and asthma. I will always miss my first love food, but I have broke up with it and for good reasons. I wish us all good luck and know that this will work for all of us. I also hope to meet new friends.

[mlgpdx]

I too have gone through it all too. I did go through therapy for a year now. And have learned a lot about my food addiction. It has been very eye opening for me. I am still struggling with the addiction, but as the weeks and months go by it is getting easier for me to walk past the fridge and food cupboards. My daughter is complaining because there is no food in the house. Uh but there is, fresh vegies, meat in freezer and lots and lots of protien shakes!!!!! I am scheduled for surgery on March 24 and have lost 28 pounds in the last 3 months. Yes very tough but I have done it. I made this decision a little ove a year ago when I was told I would loose my eyesight due to diabetes. This really woke me up but not until after eating myself up to 303 pounds. Scared yes I am, I am not doing this to be a pretty little thing, I am doing this strictly for health reason. Diabetes, high blood pressure and asthma. I will always miss my first love food, but I have broke up with it and for good reasons. I wish us all good luck and know that this will work for all of us. I also hope to meet new friends.

Bobbi

We are scheduled to be banded on the same day! 3/24. Are you seeing Dr. Ortiz. I'd love to keep in touch

[mona-camille]

Bobbi

We are scheduled to be banded on the same day! 3/24. Are you seeing Dr. Ortiz. I'd love to keep in touch

Hey! I'm on the 24th too!! I hadn't heard of too many of us on that same day!! YEAH! Look for me, I'm the fat one, LOL!!!!!!! I'll be with my husband flying in Easter Sunday around 11 ish.

[Bobbi]

Hey! I'm on the 24th too!! I hadn't heard of too many of us on that same day!! YEAH! Look for me, I'm the fat one, LOL!!!!!!! I'll be with my husband flying in Easter Sunday around 11 ish.

[mlgpdx]

Hey Hey.... I'm flying in around noon time.. we might be carpooling together... I'll wave to you... I'll be the fat one waving!! :-h :-h

hahaha...

Mindy

www.myspace.com/mindiluwho