Ramona,
don't feel that way about yourself, give yourself some credit. You have lost alot already and you will continue to lose more.
You had mentioned about the cost of having fills done. I don't know what it is like where you live, but here in Kansas, I called a couple of doctor's offices that do the lap band and told them I had my lap band done in mexico and would like to have my fills done locally. All of them agreed to do it as long as I got my operation notes from OCC. The first visit (fill) ranges from 455-250, then the fills after that are only 155. That might be an option you could check into.