hope2lose Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 okay, if you're not ready to read tmi and feel sorry for a woman who is so desperate for advice that she's asking an online forum....then move on! I thought you ladies would understand because probably you all have always struggled with your weight the same way I have...so when someone you love does something like this, you have to know how bad I'm hurt! okay, here goes, my husband and I have been together almost 4 years (married 2 in Jan, 16 month old son?). Anyway, here's the tmi part...we hardly ever have sex - like the last time was probably 2+ months ago...I want it - he doesn't... Anyway, when my husband and Imet, I was pretty thin and cute but when I had my son I ballooned and have had the hardest time getting it off - hence the band...which he doesn't undertand but whatever... just eat right and go to the gym is what he says. Anyway, we've had this discussion before, but we had it again tonight and he basically said he's not attracted to me and if we didn't have kids he doesn't see himself married to me... wow... i know. So, I'm not sure how I feel about it... one part of me wants to tellhim to f-off and move on with my life and my son and go be happy somewhere else...and when I DO lose the weight rub it in his face... But another part of me gets it...I don't look the same... but he is not supportive of me losing...he doesn't do anything to help me or doesn't give me kind words to motivate me...nothing...he just comes home from work and sits on the couch... Anyway, I guess I'm half venting and half asking for some advice... my husband knows how much the topic hurts me...he knows that i've struggled my entire life... can he really be that shallow? men, maybe you could help me out too... Thanks for listening! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamabear Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 Well your husband is a JERK! (sorry) Congrats on your decision to get healthy. If he can't love you when you are over weight what does that say about him? Just remember that your son is watching the way he treats you. I wish you luck and continued weight loss. Hang in there!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CALF Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 I was married to a man for 21 years. When I met him I was 29..thin and quite a cutie . ( lol) Had one son with him and my weight was an issue from the time of my pregnancy until he walked out of our marriage 21 years later. I just couldn't get down to my pre-pregnancy weight and the stress of his disapproval and his judging me made me turn to food all the more. He totally invalidated me in every way possible and I had very little good self esteem. Even though I felt betrayed I felt that I needed him...and now..6 years later I see how unhealthy our relationship really was. What would be the scenario if you were to be in a brutal car crash and became a paraplegic?? Do you think he'd stand by you??? I am now happily married to a wonderful man who adores me the way I am..and is standing behind my decision to go through with this lapband journey because he knows it's something I want to do for my future health benefits. Things happen for a reason and you must decide that you deserve better than this man who only wants to be tintallated by your physical appearance. It's a hard decision to make..nobody gets married wanting to divorce..but sometimes it just takes a re-try to get it right! Good luck sweetie. Cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesuse Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 Wow - that's some heavy stuff (no pun intended). I don't really know you, but I feel for what you're going through! That's a really hostile thing your husband said to you - that he wouldn't see himself with you, if not for the kids. If that's really true, and not just a stupid thing said in anger, then maybe you should consider moving on. Even if you lose weight and become more attractive to him, that's not enough of a connection to build a marriage on. I know the first few years after having kids are the hardest. Maybe you can both remember why you once fell in love. So sorry you're going through this. I hope either you and your husband can find or re-establish some real love/trust or you're able to find someone else who loves YOU - no matter what size you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyNewLife Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 okay, if you're not ready to read tmi and feel sorry for a woman who is so desperate for advice that she's asking an online forum....then move on!I thought you ladies would understand because probably you all have always struggled with your weight the same way I have...so when someone you love does something like this, you have to know how bad I'm hurt! okay, here goes, my husband and I have been together almost 4 years (married 2 in Jan, 16 month old son?). Anyway, here's the tmi part...we hardly ever have sex - like the last time was probably 2+ months ago...I want it - he doesn't... Anyway, when my husband and Imet, I was pretty thin and cute but when I had my son I ballooned and have had the hardest time getting it off - hence the band...which he doesn't undertand but whatever... just eat right and go to the gym is what he says. Anyway, we've had this discussion before, but we had it again tonight and he basically said he's not attracted to me and if we didn't have kids he doesn't see himself married to me... wow... i know. So, I'm not sure how I feel about it... one part of me wants to tellhim to f-off and move on with my life and my son and go be happy somewhere else...and when I DO lose the weight rub it in his face... But another part of me gets it...I don't look the same... but he is not supportive of me losing...he doesn't do anything to help me or doesn't give me kind words to motivate me...nothing...he just comes home from work and sits on the couch... Anyway, I guess I'm half venting and half asking for some advice... my husband knows how much the topic hurts me...he knows that i've struggled my entire life... can he really be that shallow? men, maybe you could help me out too... Thanks for listening! I too agree this is a hard one. I would really question if this is truely the entire problem, maybe there is a deeper issue that needs to be worked out. I have had a friend whos husband was very insecure with himself and did not want the wife to loose the weight. He was scared that she would leave him after she lost the weight. So he tried to do everthing to discourage her from it..... My first marriage we became almost like roommates, was very hard. The problems were all over the board, not just one. I too agree everything happens for a purpose, maybe this is your time to go and talk to him and tell him how important this is to you and how much you need his support. (I dont know if you have already done this, maybe so) I believe, yes I have been through a divorce, but my Husband today has taught me alot about marriage. You have to work and work and work some more, work HARD to keep a marriage alive, exciting and you have to communicate, you have to FIGHT for your marriage and what you want. Dont get me wrong, I think your husband is an ASS for telling you that, but if you want your marriage to work, all you can do is do your part to try to make it work. If he rejects it or it does not work, at least you can say YOU did what you could do. My hubby and I have date night...it is really fun. I dress up like I would if he was coming to pick me up for a date and we go out like we were having a date. Maybe you could get a babysitter and tell your hubby that you wanna go out on a date. Take him to his favorites spots and yes even though he is being a JERK! At least you tried.......There is a movies called Not Easly Broken, if you can go rent this movie and watch it with your husband, please do!!!!! Really listen to what the movie is saying, it made me step back and look at myself really hard, I think I played the women in this movie...lol Good Luck to you! Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolittle Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 okay, if you're not ready to read tmi and feel sorry for a woman who is so desperate for advice that she's asking an online forum....then move on!I thought you ladies would understand because probably you all have always struggled with your weight the same way I have...so when someone you love does something like this, you have to know how bad I'm hurt! okay, here goes, my husband and I have been together almost 4 years (married 2 in Jan, 16 month old son?). Anyway, here's the tmi part...we hardly ever have sex - like the last time was probably 2+ months ago...I want it - he doesn't... Anyway, when my husband and Imet, I was pretty thin and cute but when I had my son I ballooned and have had the hardest time getting it off - hence the band...which he doesn't undertand but whatever... just eat right and go to the gym is what he says. Anyway, we've had this discussion before, but we had it again tonight and he basically said he's not attracted to me and if we didn't have kids he doesn't see himself married to me... wow... i know. So, I'm not sure how I feel about it... one part of me wants to tellhim to f-off and move on with my life and my son and go be happy somewhere else...and when I DO lose the weight rub it in his face... But another part of me gets it...I don't look the same... but he is not supportive of me losing...he doesn't do anything to help me or doesn't give me kind words to motivate me...nothing...he just comes home from work and sits on the couch... Anyway, I guess I'm half venting and half asking for some advice... my husband knows how much the topic hurts me...he knows that i've struggled my entire life... can he really be that shallow? men, maybe you could help me out too... Thanks for listening! OK, here's one from a guy. I've been married for over 33 years. I was heavy, 250lbs when we got married and bounced between that and 300lbs. In college I weighed in at 350lbs, but I managed to lose 100 before I met my wife. Well, as the years go by my wife became less interested in sex, I always thought it was me, or my weight, I don't know. After 31 years at the same place of employment, I retired in 2006 and started gaining weight. I thought I was going to heading back to my college weight. After hitting the 300lb mark, I went to the OCC and became lap banded. It was the smartest thing I ever did and lost 100lbs. But, now I'm at 200lbs and I still have the same problem,, the wife doesn't care about sex. My conclusion is that we all think its our fault, but in reality,, its not. We try to make ourselves better, we try to change, we lose the weight, but its still the same ole story. So, don't blame yourself, its your spouses problem. But, if your still thinking of the AGB, its the smartest thing I ever did, I love my lap band. If your already banded, just keep up the good work and lose the weight,, maybe he'll come around. As far as my wife goes,, I don't know what to do next, I guess time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaphayes Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 He sounds toxic to me!! Maybe you should walk in your own glory and not look to him for your motivation! If you loose the weight for him and he still feels the same after you have worked so hard to loose, then you will just gain it back because you haven't lost the weight for yourself! :lb4: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ValleyGirl Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 I'm actually seeing a sex therapist right now because I have a very low sex drive. The therapist believes (and I knew this going in) that it is simply a symptom of other underlying problems in the realtionship. I doubt it is as simple as you were cute and skinny before, and now that you are bigger he's not in to you. If it IS that simple, then he is very shallow and not worth your efforts. For the sake of your son, I say give couples counselling a shot to see what is really going on. It's quite common for women to not want as much sex (especially those of us with young children) but if the guy isn't in to it, I'd be worried. My therapist says, "a woman needs a REASON to have sex and a man just needs a PLACE" lol! I know it's easier said than done, but don't blame yourself. You are so much more than what is on the outside. Recognize your true worth and others will too. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Sabrina:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hope2lose Posted November 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 Thank you all sooo much! We talked last night and he said he would 'try to be nice to me and be more affectionate'....so we'll see how that goes. I think we should give couples therapy a shot and then after that - if things aren't better...it may be time to cut my losses and move on. I just never wanted my son to have to go back and forth between us...being away from him will kill me! You are all so sweet for listening to my story and sharing yours as well! I truly, from the bottom of my heart appreciate it! *and I will find 'Not Easily Broken' and watch it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tootsie_lou Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 Wow! Could I just add a little to what has already been said. Just a couple of things in no particlular order: Being a couple is fun in the beginning--we are on our best behavior with the other person. We actually try to stay fit, do our hair, close the bathroom door, and don't wear worn out underwear. Then "familiarity" sets in, and what was cute once, is now a grating habit. What was worth the effort once, now doesn't seem like it. It happens to everyone. My marriage is flawed. It is flawed because there are two flawed, imperfect people trying to be in it. I have been married 25 years, and both my husband and I say that over the years it seems like a series of about 4 or 5 different "marriages" (there is at lease one bad one in there ) I agree, marriage is work--a lot of work. With the pressures of everyday life, we take the other person for granted and don't effectly work toward trying to put that person first. Resentments build up that can have both parties keeping a scorecard about what was said (or not said), done (or not done). This "scorecard" is usually used in an argument to make lame points about crap that has happened in the past and often ultimately makes matters worse. Please be glad that when he comes home, he comes home to your couch. He could be going elsewhere doing things that could really be hurting your relationship even worse. Be willing to work on yourself. You are already doing that. Also, be willing to forgive and ask for forgiveness. (Forgiveness for a lot of hurtful junk will require divine intervention--just sayin'.) Because you have a baby together, you will be tied to this person for the rest of your life. About 18 years ago my husband and I both had lawyers and were well on our way to getting a divorce. We had a small son at the time. We ended up in mediation to try to figure out custody, division of assets, etc. The mediator got us into a counselor. It was the best thing that we could have done. We figured out that we actually "liked" each other again. Funny how when you start to like someone again--they start to look sexy to you, also. Learned how to communicate our needs, etc. So we stayed together, and had our daughter a year and a half after that. Just a pitch for trying to work it out. I think it is awesome that you spoke to him about your issues and that he states he will try to be kind to you. It's a step in the right direction. I hope that you both work through this. It is so worth havin' your bud with you!! (And your baby is an absolute angel! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ValleyGirl Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 I know you posted this for her but I needed to hear it too so thanks and AMEN sista! Sabrina:) Wow! Could I just add a little to what has already been said. Just a couple of things in no particlular order:Being a couple is fun in the beginning--we are on our best behavior with the other person. We actually try to stay fit, do our hair, close the bathroom door, and don't wear worn out underwear. Then "familiarity" sets in, and what was cute once, is now a grating habit. What was worth the effort once, now doesn't seem like it. It happens to everyone. My marriage is flawed. It is flawed because there are two flawed, imperfect people trying to be in it. I have been married 25 years, and both my husband and I say that over the years it seems like a series of about 4 or 5 different "marriages" (there is at lease one bad one in there ) I agree, marriage is work--a lot of work. With the pressures of everyday life, we take the other person for granted and don't effectly work toward trying to put that person first. Resentments build up that can have both parties keeping a scorecard about what was said (or not said), done (or not done). This "scorecard" is usually used in an argument to make lame points about crap that has happened in the past and often ultimately makes matters worse. Please be glad that when he comes home, he comes home to your couch. He could be going elsewhere doing things that could really be hurting your relationship even worse. Be willing to work on yourself. You are already doing that. Also, be willing to forgive and ask for forgiveness. (Forgiveness for a lot of hurtful junk will require divine intervention--just sayin'.) Because you have a baby together, you will be tied to this person for the rest of your life. About 18 years ago my husband and I both had lawyers and were well on our way to getting a divorce. We had a small son at the time. We ended up in mediation to try to figure out custody, division of assets, etc. The mediator got us into a counselor. It was the best thing that we could have done. We figured out that we actually "liked" each other again. Funny how when you start to like someone again--they start to look sexy to you, also. Learned how to communicate our needs, etc. So we stayed together, and had our daughter a year and a half after that. Just a pitch for trying to work it out. I think it is awesome that you spoke to him about your issues and that he states he will try to be kind to you. It's a step in the right direction. I hope that you both work through this. It is so worth havin' your bud with you!! (And your baby is an absolute angel! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hope2lose Posted November 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 I know and I do think we should try counseling...I'm just sooo hurt! He knows that I've struggled forever, he knows how I feel about my weight and he still said that to me... It would be different if he tried to encourage me, but he doesn't... All he says is 'you know how I feel about weight, I've told you from the beginning how I felt about it' . I guess my ego/feelings are so bruised that it's hard for me to get past the hurt...but you're right, I should be happy that it's MY couch he comes home to! Thanks again! Makes me feel better automatically to know that everyone else's marriage isn't perfect and we're the only ones having problems! Thank you so much!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DisasterWalking73 Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 I know I'm late in replying to this, but I thought I'd go ahead and throw in my two cents. Hope2Lose, I'm so sorry you had to hear that, especially from someone you no doubt rely on for support and encouragement. I know I would be very hurt if my husband said that to me (although, secretly, sometimes I wonder if he thinks that - we've been together for 15 years and sometimes things do get a little less exciting than they've been in the past-- I do get that "roomates" feeling sometimes) I think every marriage goes through the issue of struggling to keep a spark alive at one time or another - anybody who claims they are ALWAYS swinging from the chandeliers is lying. Or at least I think so. I really like what Tootsie Lou said about there being different marriages within her marriage - I totally see that. I think that is true of every long term relationship - and I can tell you that the time when my kids were young (same as yours are now) was probably the hardest time in my marriage. So, maybe that bodes well for better times ahead for you. Also, I have to wonder why weight IS such an important issue to your husband. I mean, is he worried about your health? Is he worried how it reflects on him? What exactly is his issue with YOUR weight? Well - I wish you the best and it sounds like you're moving in a good direction. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 I have to throw my two cents in. I have been on the other side. I have gained weight because of having a baby, but as I was gaining, so did my husband. It was very hard for me to tell him that it was very uncomfortable for us to be sexual because of how big he had become. I was losing interest in even going there because there was no way to do it. ok TMI, but I have to be honest. I love him and I never stopped loving him but the sex almost stopped completely. I felt really bad about it but I was completely turned OFF. When I told him about the band, I expressed how this could change our whole sexual lifes and it has. It is still not great, because we still have a way to go but I think it helps to be honest about it. I feel bad that we both have let ourselves go. Somewhere we got so involved in eating that we didnt really look at what it was doing to our relationship but we never lost that one thing and that is that we are friends. If a person comes to you and says you know how I feel about your weight, maybe they just dont know how to say they are concerned. He should not have to "work" on being nice to you. I never disrespected my husband. I dont have to "work" on being nice to him. I simply came to him and expressed that I was concerned about the fact that it became more difficult to be close to him and that all I wanted to do was to be close to him and if we both lost the weight, that this would no longer be an issue. I would never go to him and tell you " you know how I feel about you being fat" That is just rude. I rememeber my dad telling my mom, "your so fat even your toes are fat". This is not the life I ever want for myself or my child. If a man makes me feel that bad, he needs to go!! The strange thing is once you get rid of them the weight just comes off, cause they make you feel that bad. I lost 45 pounds after my first husband. Anyway, that is my two cents. I hope that things work out for you, I just know how it is to be on both sides and I would say that he better not disrespect you, or your lapband buddies will come there is beat him up.... HA! Kidding. Take care and good luck. Remember you are worth loving! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenlynn79 Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 I would like to add that my suggestion (as a mental health prof) is that even if your husband does not want to attend therapy - go yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaLaw Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 I found myself tearing up after reading this. WOW. My husband and I did 1 year of professional counseling over some family issues and then I continued on for another two years on my own. It is the BEST thing we (and I) have ever done. this could be a phase on his part, but I don't know...it is a bit brutal if you ask me. I am not sure if I could stay with any man who said those types of things to me...counseling or no counseling. you must have alot of strength! The band is the best thing I have done to take control of my life and my eating habits. I think many of us will agree that when you hit a certain point (or number) where it seems like no matter what you do to get the weight off it becomes frustrating and a vicious cycle of self-defeating behavior. I always smirk at people who tell us 'fatties' to just eat right and exercise...they are usually the same people who a). are NOT overweight . never have been overweight and c). look down their nose at any overweight person. I wish you strength and conviction in all that you do. oodles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smiley Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 You are on the right track in regards to the counseling. However, don't just "try" it, you have to actively participate in it. I say this not only because of my marriage and family counseling background but also because I have been in individual counseling myself many years ago. The best case scenario is for both of you to go together. However, even if he won't go with you, you need to go for yourself. It is my understanding that you have not been banded yet and any issues you have that could potentially hold you back from being successful with the band need to be addressed before being banded if possible as opposed to after the band. Please keep us updated as we are all here for you. Andrea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat03 Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 Hummmm..... I wonder how much weight he would gain if he had to deal with pregnancy??? The immature part of me wants to say use that hurt as motivation to lose that weight - and when he notices your waist smaller and your head higher, he will have that sparkle in his eye. That's when you can tell him you don't find him attractive, because sexy for you is how you are treated!! PLEASE, I know it's hard, but do not let a man determine your own self-esteem or self-worth. Focus on you, and the woman and mother you want to be for your son. You are more than your weight and more than your pant size. You are a daughter, a mother - you bring joy to the lives of your friends, are the giver of unconditional love to your son, and would move mountains for those you love. If your husband says anything about your weight, you remind him WHO YOU ARE. Go on and bring sexy back, girlfriend. Not for him - FOR YOU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WormButterfly Posted November 15, 2009 Report Share Posted November 15, 2009 Oh my, darling. You hold your head up high and kick him out. You dont deserve to be spoken to my that by anyone... ANYONE! Let alone your husband and the father of your baby! I am just so SORRY sweetie that he id like that. Shallow shallow shallow bastard! Please feel free to PM me and exchange emails if you want, Im in Australia though lol xxx ps. You do what you have to do to be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbynnoel Posted November 15, 2009 Report Share Posted November 15, 2009 (((((((((((((((((((((((Sending Big Hugs to You)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'd love to talk to you if you have time. Send me your phone number in a PM. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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