I guess I have nothin to say because I keep typing, deleting, typing, deleting...I just want to know that someone is out there who has been where I am and they get through this feeling. I will go get another fill, so I can eat less still. There's got to be more to this than the food issues. I am so tired of looking in the mirror at myself and not liking what I see!! How did I let myself go like this? Nobody looks anymore. I hope that changes. Good night.
I went out to breakfast for Mother's Day, had a veggie burger with bacon. That's right. With onion rings. I ate it slowly and got most of it down without pain, never did feel really full, then felt sick all day. I have 5 cc's in my band now so I shouldn't be eating that much but it was like the floodgates opened and I could eat....so I ate. Needless to say, I really haven't lost any weight, what did I expect, that the fat would melt away? It's not, nothing has changed. Except that sometimes I forget what I'm doing and I eat quickly, it gets stuck, and I throw up and feel sick the rest of the night. That's what happened today, and when I told my daughter to get in the car, and I threw up in the bushes in the parking lot, she said "Mom, you threw up at Target too"...um, yeah, that was last week. I suck at this and it's affecting my family life. Here's the problem...when I eat, I eat till I get stuck, but then I just feel stuck, not full. And I am still HUNGRY so I want to keep eating even though I am STUCK and it's starting to hurt. Does anyone feel FULL after eating just the right portion or is that what full feels like now (stuck and painful?) Where is the nice warm full feeling I used to feel? That's my question and now here's my RANT:
I want to feel satisfied. Instead I just nibble all day and feel irritated. I want to taste my food and eat it warm. Instead I am concentrating intensely on chewing it really well which I don't enjoy. I still drink too much which is probably most of my weight loss issue. Now I am working too much and not surfing enough. Although I had a great surf vacation last month...but drank the whole week and gained 3 pounds. I think I am depressed, shit hit the fan with my job (went to straight commission) and my son moved out on his own and I miss his laughter, and my grouchy old husband is out of town for a week and I am bored without him, got this book "The Handbook for Lightning Survivors" that I guess I will read. Peace out.
So after my husband's nice morning comment yesterday about how he will still love me when I am skinny, he left for work, and he didn't come home...all day...till 11pm. I didn't ask him where he'd been or anything at all, but this morning he started talking, apologizing...blah blah blah...telling me he missed talking to me, that he was so sorry for mistreating me, that he wanted to rebuild our relationship...I always let him off the hook so easily...I am so weak! But I hate holding grudges...so I caved...I was starting to feel better and I asked him if he told anyone about my lap band. He said he told his daughter (my stepdaughter who I love and respect, but is the LAST person I would want to know)...I cant even put into words how upset I am!!! I want to cry, but I am so tired of his infidelity and just plain self-centerredness that I don't even have any tears left...just a really empty, achy feeling inside. Three weeks ago, after I told him it was really important to me that nobody know, he told my 10 year old daughter that I had surgery in Mexico...I difused it so she doesn't know, and chewed him out...at that time he told me I should have kept it a secret from him, he didn't want to know anything about it and was not going to be supportive. I was hurt that I don't have his support but I was VERY CLEAR that I absolutely don't want any one else knowing, not matter how he feels about it...I got really upset then, and I know he understood that I didn't want him telling anyone, that he was sworn to secrecy...but since he disapproves, he just won't keep his mouth shut!!! He HAD to have someone to commiserate with and so he told his daughter...who will never look at me the same. I am soooo hurt, I can't trust him at all...he says he wants to be my friend but he disrespects my privacy and betrays me by hanging out God knows where all night, for the last 5 nights, telling my loved ones my secrets who have no business knowing...I hate him. I am so hurt, disappointed, and angry. I yelled at him and told him what a jerk he was...he said he was sorry, but then he said "that's just not right". There's no getting through to him. I don't like him anymore.
I am so grateful for all of you on this forum, I realize I am not alone, even though my husband has left town and we havent talked to each other in 10 days...I don't know where he is or when he is coming home...or if he is coming home. I know I made the right decision for myself and this is the hard part...getting through these next few weeks of eating with no fill, not losing any weight...I better start my period today, I am late! And I can't even GET pregnant...WTF??? I am usually a peaceful person but this is craziness... I never expected THESE complications...they were not part of my plan.
If I were me, the me I wanted to be, what would I do? Oh I know...get my ass to work and focus on my future!!! OK, bye bye.
As I am struggling 12 days post surgery- (I'm a little dense I guess, I finally went and bought some protein shakes today because I am tired of feeling weak and defeated...so we'll see how things look in a couple of days) ...I have to reflect...I had no idea food was such a big part of my life. Talk about absence making the heart grow fonder! I always ate and never thought...now I have to think and it's alot of work! Having the willpower to stay away from food...woooow....what a challenge! I think if I can get through another 9 days of this, I will have conquered a huge giant in my life, mentally...they say it takes 28 days to break a habit...maybe I should continue NO SOLIDS for 28 days and see how I do??? I am tired though...my bones are achy just typing this and my eyes sooooo want to close and take a break, even breathing seems like too much work.
I appreciate the recipes, the advice...but I think I need SHOCK THERAPY or something like that...to make me STAY AWAY from all of this temptation. I just read somwhere that chocolate is liquid by the time it gets to your band...argggghhhhhh!!!!
I'm having a really hard time at home, my husband has gone from pouting to the silent treatment to now just being a total passive aggresive jerk like refusing to eat soups that I make for dinner and going to bed hungry in protest, refusing to help around the house and even giving the kids the cold shoulder just so they will act needier and I will be even more exhausted. It's really HARD to do this alone!!! I don't know what his problem is but it's really getting on my last nerve and I can't even stand to be around him right now, I mean, I slept in the other room last night because I was infuriated at his crappy attitude. I am exhausted and just can't deal...I have to work, care for the kids, fix the meals, do the laundry, shop, clean, and still entertain...I know I just have to hang on a few more weeks...thank God I am going on vacation ALONE in 3 weeks and will get to unwind AND eat...and just relax and feel normal again...I have to look forward to that and believe that I am closer than I think to being thin.
PLEASE SOMEONE SEND ENERGY AND STRENGTH... I am praying for God to get me through but I have alot of guilt that God isn't going to answer me when it comes to this problem...??? Don't ask...
It's 1pm and I want to sleep but I am making coffee instead.
HELP ME!!!
Last night my cell phone died in the middle of text central...3 friends, my son, and my little brother, all looking to see what my plans were for surfing this morning. 8am, let's do it! So I decided to charge the phone and go to bed...and when I awoke at 7 this morning, the backyard was coverred in fog...good...here come the texts, where am I, what am I doing? I'm still in bed waiting for the fog (and mental fog) to lift...but i couldn't wait...the excitement was too much...had to get the boards loaded up. Then my son called..."Uh mom, can you bring me my board too and I will meet you there?" noooooo!!!!! I am ready to leave noooooooowwww!!!" He said I was over-reacting...I'm thinking "Well yeah if it had been 6 weeks since you'd been surfing you would be spitting fire at anyone who got in your way too!" Good thing my friend was already in the water when I got there cuz it wasn't looking all that great and when it's winter, chilly, and it doesn't look perfect, it's hard to get out there...but I was committed...and I knew I was back, cuz when I stepped out of the truck I could smell that salt air that changes everything...it was enough to push me forward towards the shorebreak and then it hit me...the 58 degree water over my feet, my brain's response that always says the same thing "Oh, it's not that cold"...then the shift to focus on getting outside quickly...over pounding shorebreak and away from the danger zone...then...the ice cream headache...and stretching my shoulders and neck my putting my head down, which inadvertantly causes motion sickness so I tilted my head up slightly and smiled towards san pedro...thinking...all I need is one perfect wave...nothing else mattered. That was 8 hours ago and I am still smiling. I'm glad I had this surgery...maybe if I wasn't a surfer and in a bathing suit and wetsuit all the time, I wouldn't be so concerned about my weight...but I want to surf better, lighter, and with more style...so I need to shed this flesh that inhibits me...I will have to invest in a warmer wettie.
