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EcMjawad1

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  1. EcMjawad1

    Year Two Holiday season

    By EcMjawad1,

    Year two as a banded person during the holiday season!
    Well, here it is year two as a banded person and I am 50+ pounds lighter than last year. What a year it has been….I made it through last year basically just not eating or going out to parties where I knew it would be too hard. This year I am going to events but being more picky about which ones I choose. Funny thing for both years I actually thought I could get away with eating the same way as I did when I wasn’t banded. I realized this both years..luckily this year I figured it out earlier…I was reminded really quickly when I tried to eat turkey and stuffing, along with brussel sprouts. Why I thought I would be able to eat them when I can’t on a normal day I don’t know..chalk it up to foolish thinking..So I did manage to stay away from the food fest’s going on around me by donating my time to serving Thanksgiving dinner to veterans and families instead of over eating it! I also felt good doing it..a new post band tradition. So onward to Christmas and New Year’s..I will come up with something to do for those days too which will put eating in the back seat and fun in the front…Let me start with more exercise and smart food choices and baking my own version of low carb, low fat faves…
  2. EcMjawad1
    Well, it has been a very busy year post band...not only am I adjusting to my husbands death and being a widow, but also having two college age kids leaving, one for grad school, meaning this is it..I am now entering the second half of my life...and it's going to be all about me baby!! But, getting here has been an up and down journey. Two years ago after my husband passed away from a long and painful illness, my daughter went to a local MD to see about getting a band using some of the funds he left her. It was his dying wish that she loose some weight. She did this on her own down were she was attending college. I got some of the bills and halted the process and started looking online...after a missed "seminar" in which the MD failed to show up for the 10 of us waiting...I was pretty discouraged, and so was she...then I found Dr. Ortiz's site and had many wonderful conversations..So we decided to have my daughter's procedure done at the OCC. Best ever experience from that moment on. I manage a large healthcare facility and was very impressed..so much so that 4 months later I took the "plunge" and now a year later major changes have occurred.
    The first year seemed to fly by and many changes had to take place. Of course during this time I started a new second job as an adult healthcare professor, and added in another stress/major change factor into my life...in hindsight it didn't matter..my journey had begun and I wasn't able to stuff down feelings with food...So what have I learned? Well, for starters, what I can and cannot eat, how that changed with each fill, the time of the month and stress..how to slow down my chewing, how to give up many kinds of meat, so now I take protein, how to add in liquid/chewable vitamins and lot's of water, no soda (diet or otherwise). How to find new ways to cope with stress...my favorite being massage at Massage Envy a very reasonable place--about the same cost as overeating my feelings would have been..How NOT to weigh myself everyday and freak out, but to instead wait until my pant size or measurements go down..and buy a new "fit" instead, much better then beating myself up mentally when a number on a scale doesn't move. How to enjoy life more now that I am not constantly obsessing about my weight. How to take complements without feeling myself "shrink" inside. And how to count my blessings. Honestly, if I never loose another pound my quality of life has changed for the better dramatically. But of course there are areas to continue working on..like exercise, which is probably at this stage my last hold out..but no worries--I have a plan as soon as my last kid hits the tarmack...walking, aqua aerobics, sea kayaking..here I come..all things I enjoy. I am already doing yoga and thank god for that..I can move and touch my toes were my students 20 years younger cannot--I make them do this when we start getting tired or stiff...So unward...and upward..Best move ever!
  3. EcMjawad1
    Well almost at the 200 mark. For some this may seem like nothing, well for me its a big deal. from 290 to here was a huge trip. But the last 60 pounds are thanks to the lap band and the OCC. New lesson, count food in ounces...wow what a concept. I hadn't really been utilizing my new tool I found out as I tried to see what the "hold up" was. I needed to go back to basics.
    1. Eating protein first really does make a difference!
    2. Cutting out sugar in all forms - hard as hell but needed, this alone has made me feel so much better
    3. No white flour or gluten - go figure, I guess I was sensitive to this one. Only reason I bought into this was how much better I feel without it. No more asthma attacks, racing heartbeats, and more energy (cutting sugar probably fits in here too)
    4. When I feel like eating go "play" with my cloths and tape measure..yep it works
    5. Start with 3 ounces and have 1 more if still hungry. (4 ounces is half a cup). Funny how when I see this visually my thoughts change.
    6. Eat clean foods that I prepare myself to the best of my ability. Another way to have control and pick the best food I can, since I am eating less of it.
    Now, if I can get my exercise in I will be happy. My next area of improvement, after 30 days (length of time it takes to form new habits).
    Onward!
  4. EcMjawad1
    Well it's been one month since I started my new job in addition to my day job....teaching adults is great! I am just having trouble adjusting to the new schedule and finding the right times to eat, and the right food combo. I notice that with all the stress of the new job the band feels tighter. I often have had food get stuck, which never stuck before..I think my new life tool is helping..It slams me right back to reality....NO you can't shove food down your throat mindlessly, YES you do have to slow down and chew, and watch what you eat, and make the right food choices. All this has been more learning than I have done in 20 years. I have not been a this weight for 20 years, and even though I am not loosing right now (which I will not panic over, I am not gaining either), I am learning and adjusting to the weight loss at a speed that suits me physically and mentally...This weekend was the first time I have been able to catch my breath and again begin to focus on self care and my new life journey...I know I need to carve out exercise time for myself, and stretching, along with my swimming..this might be a challenge, but I do know the new times I will ask for when the next semester starts.
  5. EcMjawad1
    So, here I am, my first full week of food post first fill...This has been a very interesting educational time..I managed to go through a few emotional moments without overeating to the point of illness, however I did eat for emotional reasons but was able to stop before I was out of control thanks to my new tool the band..this for me has been very exciting on so many levels. At the same time I was given new medications for my heart which have made me feel not well as my body adjusts so for this week I was unable to exercise but I think I am finally getting adjusted as my headaches have ended and I feel my energy returning. The added protein and liquid vitamins have also made a huge difference. This week I go to Monterey 15 pounds lighter to watch my daughter graduate college, and I continue to finish my own Master's degree. All of these changes make me feel pretty anxious and scared but also excited as they all lead to the beginning of my new life. I believe my husband is smiling down from heaven the week..I miss him and am feeling his absence as well. I will continue my journey with a feeling of thankfulness and graditude...
  6. EcMjawad1
    So ok, here I am just a month out with a new band...I am learning many things about myself, my relationship with food, and some hard lessons. In the past month I have only really tested the band three times, last night was my most recent test, and while I felt awful, icky, (need a new word for band overeating), I also learned some things..one; it doesn't feel real pleasant to overeat with the band. You can't sleep, and it (food?) stays with you for most of the next day, or at least the icky feeling does. Two; you (me) will need to take my time and really spend time working through feelings..I have improved in this area but it's not just a "ok I'm fixed." Its more like a "ok I am working on myself and food, and it's not just a quick fix." That was a hard lesson..why is it I always want the easy way...The victory in this little episode is I did stop before eating the large amounts I used to be able too, and I did not mentally beat myself up, but took it as another learning expierience....
  7. EcMjawad1
    Last night was another personal victory, which may seem small to some but for me was kind of a big deal...so, here I was sitting at home feeling sorry for myself as I look in the fridge at three types of soup..booring, soon over though...anyway, I picked my evening dinner soup, did my reading homework, and decided it was time to do my "in house walking" tape by Leslie Sansone. Now I had to really clean house to find this DVD since I had moved stuff around after my husband died a year and a half ago..yes, that's how long it had been since I used this particular DVD...So up to my room with DVD in hand..popped it in at got down to walking...midway through I had this thought....this is not so hard..I am keeping up and not over tired..last time I did this DVD I barely got through it...I was so excited..of course I was also 45 pounds heavier...no one home to share this small victory, so I am sharing it here. Another side effect was that I didn't eat out of boredom but instead did something good for myself..
  8. EcMjawad1
    Well, It's Easter Sunday, year two after the death of my husband and childhood sweetheart..this year was a bit easier and I have accomplished so much today..The time of re-birth and re-newal is very personal this year. My first week as a banded person learning to live without food for comfort...I can't even believe I am saying that. I had to write it down today because I want to look back at this next year and remember that I did it! I was able to go to a family function without feeling so stressed that I had to stuff buffet food into my mouth. I planned it carefully all week, in fact I even thought about not going..but I am so glad I did because it showed me that I can do it, and do it well. I dressed with care, for the first time in 4 years..I planned what I was going to say if pressured to eat, I even knew to ask the waiter, so nice, for a bowl of soup right off the top, followed by coffee and some water and juice and I wasn't even tempted, not even by those beautiful looking desserts. I was able to do it and nobody gave me a hard time, in fact my son was there as back up for me..he is a great support for my daughter and I. She too is banded but stayed down at school and had her own victories. We can be proud. My biggest thrill of the day was when my own sister looked at me and didn't recognize me! It was great..I lost about 40 pounds since she last saw me two years ago, and as I said I took some time with my appearance for the day..it was wonderful, especially since she is five years younger...aaaah that felt so much better then a bloated belly full of buffet food...Thank-you OCC and all you supportive bandster's out there...
  9. EcMjawad1

    Post surgery

    By EcMjawad1,

    Well, I did it...I made it through the surgery...the best experience ever. I have to say I have never had such great and caring service. And now the real work begins..my stomach is growling off and on but not as bad as it might be with the band. I can hardly wait to add protein. Now I have to really watch my emotions and learn new ways to deal with them. I have come a long way from when I first started paying attention to my emotions and eating. Now I can recognize when something is bothering me, I just have to find a new way to process the emotions other than eating. I'm going to give myself a day and then start my light walking. I sure hope the next 20 days go by fast.
  10. EcMjawad1
    So, here I am two days...to surgery...and all these feelings are surfacing and I feel myself starting to be put in frenzy which at any other time would have sent me straight for food...one of the thoughts that came to me was "what am I going to do with all these feelings?" They were almost overwhelming, or so I felt..as I sat there and made myself take deep breaths I slowly was able to at least calm myself...I can see a future where I am going to have to do this a lot and also find a way to process those thoughts, feelings and emotions which I normally handled with the easy way of eating..So my first part of this blog will be to come here and write when I feel overwhelmed..do this first instead of eatting..that will be step one...so the emotions of today are worry, anxiety, and the fear of loosing a 30 year coping mechanism..and what will I do to deal with what I should have learned to deal with years ago...
  11. EcMjawad1

    5 days

    By EcMjawad1,

    5 days...I am really doing it! Today was all liguid..well, broth with shredded cabbage just to prep me for the next 26 days of liguid...I can do this thing..just keep reading and writing and staying focused!!
  12. EcMjawad1

    The final beginning

    By EcMjawad1,

    So this is the first time I have felt like using a blog....I have had other opportunities but didn't feel like using them. But, as I look ahead a month (band date 3/26), and reflect on my daughter's procedure (1/7), I know that it is crunch time, now or never, I don't want to die - face reality.....I am pretty nervous about the surgery although my daughter went thru hers fine and she will be with me (getting her first fill). Let's face it - no one likes surgery...I feel pretty positive about the outcomes based on my daughter's slow but steady weight loss even after she returned to school - she has maintained her commitment, and is a motivator for me to also succeed. I just hope I manage through without any problems....The first week on the eating plan has been OK, but today the 4th day I am feeling hungry and had to have a small protein snack. I will weigh in on Sunday and hope that I have lost...something..I have been loosing but have hit a platue..not good for future surgery so I have started the diet a bit earlier..you know the one with two shakes and a meal...anyway I have to keep strong and my goals in sight..
  13. EcMjawad1

    Happy New Years

    By EcMjawad1,

    Well, it is January..almost at year three for the band..what a long and interesting journey. Full of ups and downs and all sorts of new learning. This last leg as I have mentioned is the hardest. This is the leg that you look at yourself mentally...the walls, the hold outs, the anger, pain, and then letting it all go...well at least giving it the best you can to do this. I know I will continue to grow as the years the pass. I am forever thankful for this final tool which allowed me to move on. It has not been easy and many habits still poke their head up but now I know them for what they are and either allow it or talk myself out of the habit. Each time I get stronger and smarter. Today at weigh in I am at the lowest weight I have been in 27 years...wow...I will take the day to reflect just on that fact. Truly I never thought to see it again..I am so thankful, words can't even express. But for those out there who think they can't do it here is what I offer: Don't give up on yourself, ever..I entered this last go round with the mentality that I did not care HOW LONG it took, as long as I was heading in the downward direction instead of the upward direction. I believe that solid mind set kept me going...and I know I have more to go..plus I am looking at the added skin and how I will deal with it, luckily its not too bad..exercise and surgery may be in my future..I am worth it. How great would it be that on my third anniversary of the band I begin to sculpt my emerging body? Well another goal, or a near goal. For now I will spend the day in thankful reflection....
  14. EcMjawad1
    I have found something out...nothing new really, just saying the words makes it real..the last leg of this journey is proving to be the hardest...the food part is pretty much a done deal..But the mental and exercise part will be an ongoing learning journey, with weight loss the result...I did manage to get rid of all "fat cloths" or sizes I refuse to go back to wearing. This was a learning experience in itself. I was saying goodbye to my past life, closing a door...very scary for me. I have been learning over the past three years how to be alone, responsible only to me, and do be able to do things that in the past I could not. Very liberating but, again, scary..the unknown. So as I have been adding to my wardrobe, fitting things I could never fit before, and yes, starting to exercise, I have paid more attention to my response and feelings to these things...and my reactions..mentally. Very enlightening. I Will begin to write about them here as I move along. This being my first entry.
    Exercise, wow, I am sore in places I have never been sore before..I love my "total gym" out of everything I have tried this has been my best choice. I am building muscle, and working out in a time frame I can stand..and I actually like it..Important to like, since before when I exercised I did things I didn't like..I also feel like I am getting stronger! And it's somewhat of immediate response..I can see the change and fit things better..I am somewhat of an impatient person...
    Food, still working with ways to get fresh, clean, wholesome food in..for one..living alone is another lesson in food prep and what works for me...hmmm...this area is still a work in progress.
    Mental, I am able to take complements without cringing..interesting here. This took a long time and much thought. Thoughts are something along these lines mentally "I deserve complements. They are feedback for my hard work, and validate that I am doing the right thing for myself and my health" or something along those lines. Having this mind set has made it possible for me to gracefully respond with a thank-you or other comment. Funny, overall this has been the hardest to take. In the past I have caught myself running to food after this kind of complement..Not anymore...Mindset...it works.
  15. EcMjawad1
    Well here it is Halloween weekend, the official opening of the holiday season. Year two post band for me. What is different for me from last year at this time? Well, I am 25 pounds lighter..which for me is a big yeah! I have learned copping strategies so I don't turn to food. I have cut out all added sugar for the last three months and it is easier the longer you do it..I even have some sugar free candy for tomorrow so I don't feel cheated. I have learned to eat in ounces, weighing my food. And I have just started a toning program in yoga so I can be ready for my surgery..this is brand new so I have to keep motivated here. I am learning to prepare ahead. And I have broken down by year into three month intervals to give myself attainable goals...for me all of this is a lot. Yesterday I spent the day going through my closet getting out my winter wear and some things are too big and others just right (where they were tight a year ago). Great motivator here! Better than eating. So onward holidays..I can do this..year two!!
  16. EcMjawad1

    Lessons continue...

    By EcMjawad1,

    Well this morning was interesting coming off a weekend spent all about the "me project." The kind of weekend where you take a long hard look at how far you have come and how far is left to go..along with the realization that the "project" will always continue and never be 100% finished..nothing in life is, right? Well anyway, I have hit a set-point in which I need to blast past it in order to continue my weight loss..I know my body and possibly my mind are fighting continued loss. This has been the lowest weight in 23 years and the hold out is on...I need to figure out how to pass it. My daughter said something interesting to me the other day "I know you can knock that out once you put your mind to it" wow..is my mind put to it? I don't think so, not 100%. So my job this weekend is to reflect, prepare, and mentally try to move on. First off I changed some things about me and what I want to do..just me and my wants..very weird feeling. Then I went through my closet again and was brutal..but I also paid attention to my feelings..I was scared and nervous to throw out cloths (or give to goodwill) and that is the first time I acknowledged this...strange..am I afraid of failure? Do I not want to move on for some reason (one being fear of the unknown I think). I need to get to the bottom of this and fight the inner demons..new personal goals have been set. Now let's see how this next week moves on...
  17. EcMjawad1

    A New Year

    By EcMjawad1,

    This past year has been something...a lot of new things happening...lot's of adjustments to my life...and the band has been there through each step..learning to live through things without turning to food and all that that entails has been a huge lesson in itself. I really need to think about that and how for the first time in 25 years I was not stuffing emotions down with food..this was a painful lesson, it meant that I had to sit through, feel, and deal with what was really going on..I have to say that each time I did this I got better at it and it got easier. Now on to the next steps for 2011..adding in activity to my life...this too is going to be difficult in many different ways but I just have to do it!
  18. EcMjawad1

    The Transition

    By EcMjawad1,

    Well here I am during transition week. I am so thankful that my first holiday season as a banded person is almost over. Overall I have to say it went pretty well, the emotions were high but I managed them. It was so interesting just how much the holidays brought up topics. This was a very trying time but I am proud that I made it through without the overeating that usually goes along with it, the band did its job. Another thing I had to face was my aversion to exercise and the reality that I am going to have to work out in order to loose weight. So I have the week off and I have signed up for a trial period to see if I like 24 hour fitness gym..this would be ideal since it allows for my busy work schedule..so far I have gone two days and it seems like this may work for me. What doesn't work is dwelling on food, what works, what doesn't, what is good, what is bad, all these things don't work...I remember now why I originally got the band...so I don't have to dwell on it..so I can eat what I want..just less. The only thing I can't change is my reaction to sugar, this I can't change, so instead I will have to learn how to change this.
  19. EcMjawad1
    Whew,
    Just made it home from the OCC, where I received my second fill and almost missed my plane! But here I am home and now thinking about the next level this brings to me and the many new methods of eating, coping, and learning I will have to work on. I felt restriction right away, which put me right back in the mind set I was falling out of. I had started to get too comfortable with minimal restriction and while I still was not eating as much as I used to, I could eat more than I should. So Bammo! my second fill, and true restriction, and I'm back in the saddle as scary as that is..so my first meal at home went ok, I can really feel the food and now know what restriction feels like..different than I thought but do-able. I will now have to start major work on my mind set, mindless eatting, and emotional reasons that I eat..the journey continues.
  20. EcMjawad1
    Well, here I am three weeks after my first fill...how am I doing? Well not too sure..most days I do real well. I thought I was well on my way to learning and living a new life..then bam..life interrupted..Both of my kids are home for the summer and I was not prepared for having two college age kids descend upon me...so my new routine in one week went out the door. In all fairness it has been a crazy two weeks since my daughter graduated college last week and this week moved back home with all her stuff in tow and we have a house full of relatives hanging out for her big party this weekend. What I didn't take into consideration or plan for was all the emotions this would cause, bring up, surface for me. Now I feel like a train wreck..but I think that I can at least slow it down by writing here in my blog, taking some time for reflection, and comeing up with a plan for the remainder of my events. It hasn't been all bad, I still ate a lot less than I would have without the band, I did not overeat to a point of illness, and I have not gained weight...look for the positives. Oh, and I recognized eventually that I need to stop and think/recognize my feelings and work through them..that's a new and big experience for me without the use of food...so onward, every day, every week is a new learning experience and I am thankful for that and what I am learning...
  21. EcMjawad1
    Ok, so here it is my first day of food...reality time...what worked before will not work now or at least some parts of it..brutal truth is I live alone, work long hours, and don't like to cook..so..well the Lean Cuisine for lunch was ok only ate half of it, but it upset the stomach..seems like frozen meals might be a thing of the past...so instead think of fast, healthy meals, for one...breakfast may be an issue if I don't come up with some various menu plans..in keeping with the OCC rules I will be eating my meals not drinking them..the whole purpose here was to be able to eat what I want..just less...so tonight I had one slice cut into two of a Margarita Pizza, which for me was great! No whole pizza, no bread, and I had a great time with friends and managed to drink lot's of water...now in the past I would have had beer, at least four regular slices of pizza, bread, and cheese sticks..so I'm pretty happy with my first day out...now if I could come up with quick,"real" meals for a single gal..
  22. EcMjawad1
    Well, I have actually done it...the first half of a new life...the rest will start when the plane wheels hit the ground and I use this blog to work through emotions insead of eatting through them..I have to say this was a 100% best expierence and all of you thinking about the surgcial part of it like I was can rest easy..
  23. EcMjawad1

    7 days

    By EcMjawad1,

    Well, blogging while finishing a Master's degree doesn't work so well, but in an effort to keep busy this last week I want to try and write all the things going through my mind. This last couple of weeks have been surprisingly hard - mentally - the thought that a person could fight themselves so much is pretty amazing - the whole power of the mind and all that. Luckily I figured these few weeks would be hard so I laid low and have tried to work on my mental readiness for my band. First there was a period of grief - yep, the whole "I won't be able to shove feelings down with food" period, followed by the "I have to give up my "fat" shield and let people see "me"," period - which was especially hard and scary not to mention I had to talk to the mental me to tell her it was very important that I do this for my health - 100 pounds is no joke. So the grief period was followed by the anger period you know the "Why do I have to give up my security measures?" and "how dare they (whose they? Me?)make me do this for my health" now really, how stupid does that sound. But today I woke up to the Resolved period - The "I know this won't be easy, but its my last chance at health," to "I will have more of the other two periods, but I need to learn new ways to handle them, without food," to the "I can and will do this for myself." Its time to take care of me and my needs -- new concept I have been working on since the death of my husband and my kids out of the house..Self Care...wow what a concept..and still learning just what that means, like how to say No so someone - or knowing when you really want to say NO...still working out that one, but by laying low this past week I said No to a few people, and it wasn't as hard as I thought. So really for me half the battle is won - the ability to admit I need help, that it won't be easy to let feelings surface, that its time to give up food as comfort. The other half of the battle will be for me to know and learn what it is I really need and how to practice self care..
  24. EcMjawad1
    Well here it is first holiday season with the band..I wanted a place to write down my thoughts as I work through this...So I am trying to work on three things:
    1. Meet my mini goal by my 50th which is one week after the holidays
    2. Learn to deal with stuff without food
    3. Work through the first holiday season at home without my husband (passed away three years ago)
    First thing I learned is that I need a plan for the next four weeks. Yesterday I learned (after the fact) to look up calories of those yummy foods before you partake of them! More on this later..just wanted to get this going...
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