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babymk

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  1. babymk

    ^_^

    By babymk,

    teehee it's been two weeks today since i started back on my healthy lifestyle and i finally weighed myself..I LOST 5 more lbs!!!! eeekkkkkkk I AM SO HAPPY !!!
    there has been lots and lots of drama in my life but i'm just so over it! i'm getting rid of anything and ANYBODY negative in my life. I'm not looking back either. I'm not going to be the "bigger" person and say "let's try to make this work", "let's talk"..or anything! People have used and abused me. Only now am I finally standing up for myself! If that makes me seem "childish" or "selfish" i really don't care anymore. All I have been is "mature" and "selfless" when it concerns other people. I always try to be the peacemaker, to make everything conflict/tension free. But I've just realized some people will never change and that's fine with me. They can go on their life without me in it, thank you very much.
    yesterday at work these older ladies were talking about me in chinese. my friend had told me what they said after they left. they said i had the prettiest face but that i was just big (FAT). they were just like why can't she just lose the weight...at first i laughed because i've heard this sooo many times by people. family, friends, and even strangers tell me all the time.."you're so pretty, now only if you would lose the weight"...and i'm like I KNOW I KNOW! WHAT DO THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO SINCE I WAS 11!!!! they just think i eat and eat all day long. that i'm lazy and i don't exercise..ehh..whatever. i'm sick of them too. I'm so tired of people putting me down and not seeing the progress i've made. it doesn't matter anyway, their opinions mean nothing. ONLY MINE DOES.
    And right now I have lost 70lbs since my surgery and when my surgery anniversary comes up i'm pretty sure i'll reach that 100lbs weight lost range. So 1 year and losing 100lbs is pretty amazing. and yes i will toot my own horn! TOOT TOOT!!
    oh I'm going this thursday to the oc center in tijuana to get my third fill. yippee i'll be there at 9 in the morning! k bye!
  2. babymk
    i need another fill. the weight loss is slowing down severely. one pound a week is not going to cut it. i can eat wayyy too much again. yesterday i ate this huge huge plate of salad with three eggs, a whole tomato, like 4 ounces of mozzarella and after eating it i was still hungry! can you believe it!?!
    gio wants to go to sd next weekend maybe i can do it then, but i usually go with my mom and well i don't know...i mean i just don't want to be like oh hey gio by the way i need to hop on over to mexico so i can get my lapband filled..ha actually now that i think about it i think he would like that, but it would take all day so we wouldn't be able to do anything..err i'll just ask him but that's kind of short notice to get the fill or is it like a whatever kind of thing. i have to plan this just right. i don't know exactly what he has planned but you know what i don't care. he's just going to have to realize that it's not always going to be his way. so i let him put the a/c on 60 when we sleep even though i loathe a/c. and i let him listen to his stupid music while he loathes my good taste in music. and he hates when i don't answer his questions instantly and i hate when he gets this domineering attitude with me ...urgh why are we even friends?? its seems like we pretty much hate each other with a passion because we're complete opposites. but its funny because even though we fight, i can't stay mad at him. even during the fight i'm not mad i'm more amused than anything else.
    anyway i should go eat breakfast. i'm starving. too bad i ran out of cereal and now i have to go to wholefoods and buy the only brand i eat. i love being super picky about food now
  3. babymk
    my sf friend is in town again and i actually decided to hang out with her because i was just feeling good. i got the day off so i decided to hang with her. i asked her if she wanted to like skate around the neighborhood to jamba juice or whereever. this was like at 5 in the afternoon and the sun is still shining high so it was all good. but we didn't make out till 9 because she was held "hostage" by her family which was perfect because i just wanted to be lazy lounging around the house. anyway by 9pm we were out skating. i showed her my skills and she was like OMG you know how to skate!! and i was like yeah i know its awesome right?! hahaa anyway we were like lets go to walmart and buy a skateboard for her so we did. but walmart skateboards really suck..anyway we were skating around the walmart parking lot for a while then decided to go to the movies and watch "THE DARK KNIGHT"...hahaa yeah i finally gave in and went to see it. i mean everybody was like you have to see the dark knight its sooo good so i was like eh ok ok and it was good! it was sick and twisted like something i would expect from a horror movie but not batman. hahaa i love horror movies so this was an A+++ in my book! then we went to ihop and got spinach mushroom dishes. it was delicious! then two cops walked in to eat and one was soooooooo cute. like really cute. i started to squeal like a twelve year old and the waitress was laughing at us because we were acting like school girls. but i couldn't help it he was adorable! so handsome and young. i smiled at him and he smiled at me then i died! oh my heart...pitter patter, pitter patter ...teeheehee. my friend made things even worse because she was like he's staring at you and i'm like i know stop it we look really dumb standing here giggling like little school girls! but then we started laughing like crazies again! eek i'm so embarrassed because i couldn't stop smiling while glancing at him and he totally saw me blushing like a maniac. oh but he sure did have the most beautiful-est smile i've ever seen on a man..hmmm we were thinking of maybe running into his patrol car so he would come out and talk to us or arrest us. either way i would have gotten a chance to talk to him j/k
    today is jake's 26th birthday! i called him at 3 in the morning to wish him a happy birthday. he was sleeping but he picked up to talk to me. i didn't want him to i was just going to leave a voicem. he's in la for business but he comes home tomorrow so we can celebrate! mario wants to bake him a cake. yayayaya! i told mario we should drive to la and surprise him! but mario has to work. it would have been really fun. i think the boys are going to move to la next year..i probably will too. just thinking about them leaving me here in vegas alone makes me sad. i love them so much. it would be like breaking up a family. they're like my brothers and i would miss them terribly. thats horrible..all my bestfriends would be in california and i would be the only one left in vegas like a loser!
    i'm still eating like whatever i want. i'll get back on tomorrow. today me and j (sf friendforever) will probably go skating and shopping. i can't wait! we always have so much fun together when she's not being RUDE but its ok because i will put her in her place like nobody's business if she wants to get an attitude with me!
    ha i forgot to mention that she was going to buy elbow pads but they cost like 20 bucks which was like half the price of her walmart skateboard so she didn't get it. but i think she should have because the first time she falls real hard on the pavement she's going to be in a huge shock like i was. i don't fall off my skateboard anymore but that's because i haven't tried to do a tailstop lately..i mean remember that bruise?! its not green/yellow/dark purple anymore its a faint purple which means its finally healing. i found a knee pad that i use as an elbow pad ha i don't care if it looks weird at least i'm not busting my elbow! k busy day tomorrow gotta get lots of sleep bye
  4. babymk
    Giovanni made me eat raisinets and milk duds last night. No matter, I still lost 2lbs after being stuck at a certain weight for 2 weeks now! Now I'm 2lbs away from hitting my 100lb lost marker! Oh yeah Giovanni is the name of the boy I talked about in the last entry about being the best of friends hmm I adore him
    This Daylight Saving thing is messing up my schedule. It's not even noon yet but I'm wide awake and ready to take on the world!
  5. babymk
    i feel so low right now. completely crushed. gio just told me that i have a pouty attitude and that i'm too needy....omg that's the killer. its just i love him so much and he knows everything about me. of course i'm going to need him...but i guess he feels suffocated or something???? i try to leave him alone. like i won't call or text him and he always calls and text me and wants to hang out. but i guess when we hang out i haven't been the most pleasant person. he thinks i take him for granted and maybe i do..but he does the same to me! i don't know anymore. i guess i just i have to let him go and let him do whatever. i just cried for 10 minutes....i woke up like an hour ago. i haven't eaten anything. i haven't done anything but started listening to taylor swift's sad love songs and now i'm blogging on the computer. usually i never have time to do any of this because the weekends i'm with gio 24/7 and even the weekdays. we're always together. maybe we do need a break because we're starting to forget why we liked to be around each other in the first place. we're bestfriendsforever/brother and sister ...but we've been treating each other really bad, like really bad. it's like we don't want to be around each other but that we have to be..it's become like a chore to be together and thats not how it should be. hopefully we can get through this..if not then i'll just have to put myself together after he's broken me down to pieces...
    i lost another pound. i danced around by myself for half an hour for exercise last night.
    i don't really have an appetite right now.
    mario is going to help me with my taxes tonight. mario....my sweet caring bestestfriend who makes me laugh when i'm feeling down who would never tell me he has a life and i need to get over it...hmm yeah mario would never say any of the things gio has said to bring me down. mario would never do any of the crap gio has done to me. now i'm mad! i've been neglecting my true friends for that idiot! i'm so stupid...
  6. babymk

    8 year anniversary

    By babymk,

    I've been M.I.A. for 3 years and a lot has happened. I graduated from graduate school this summer and now have a master's degree. Kyle and I have been dating for 4 years now. He is currently finishing up his last year in graduate school as well in Boston. So we're currently long distance. The last time I was on here I wrote about me getting an unfill. Well I went 3 years with an unrestricted band. Needless to say I gained my weight back and I'm currently at 319lbs. I'm really disappointed in myself considering I was only in the 100s for 1 year before I ballooned back up into the 200s and now 300s again. I was at my highest weight in May of this year (2015) at a whomping 348lbs. A lot of that was stress eating and drinking every weekend.
    update: I'm now 317. I seem to be losing weight very quickly now that I have a fill. I'm excited to start losing weight again!
  7. babymk

    addict.

    By babymk,

    can somebody please tell me why i'm looking at fast food nutritional facts aka excruciating slow torture??! ( so i have a thing for wendy's chili..i like to put two of those sour cream thingys in it and eat it like that. i know i'm horrible! but i did resist the urge. so hard.
    so at work i'm sitting between two people eating Hawaiian food..not fun ( ..i wanted some sooooo bad you don't even realize!! ( i'm surprised i kept my cool so well. then for at least half an hour i was talking to my coworker about our favorite places to eat. how is it that i can talk about food for half an hour?!!! ugh.
    i'm kind of annoyed at how some people can lose weight so quickly than others. especially if the two are about the same weight and started around the same time.
    well i shouldn't be too upset i mean everybody is different. it depends on lots of other things so i shouldn't get too caught up in numbers. ugh..now i just looked up Hawaiian food places...what is wrong with me?!! i have to get my mind off of this! #-o i think i'm just sleepy. its getting close to my bed time anyway.
    tomorrow mario's family is having a reunion and its going to be nothing but puerto rican food for miles! his family from new york is coming so its going to be huge. speaking of mario..him and jake are going to the bahamas in august for their birthdays. of course i can't go ..whatever i'll let those two go holding hands together frolicking about...
    i'm not going anywhere for summer this year and that seriously sucks! ok i have to look at this from the positive side. not going on vaca means i won't be eating like a crazy. also i'll have time to devote to myself. yeah that's right! so i guess this summer is about getting right. everybody can go do their little road trips and bahama cruises all they want! I DON'T CARE. more time for me!!!! /biggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':D' /><' />
    i think i'm going to make another ticker tracker thing for a mini weight loss goal. you know like break it up so i'll be like yeah i hit a goal wooo hooo or something like that. but its more for hitting that weight where i'm under a certain weight which i'm aiming for in december on my birthday. it would be the bestest gift i could give myself
  8. babymk

    again and again

    By babymk,

    so she wrote back...
    I was annoyed you weren't understanding what i was saying so i wanted to end the conversation so you got that i was annoyed, sorry. And i don't do it to anybody or everybody I do it to people who can laugh at themselves therefore not hate me for laughing with them and then we can laugh at each other. but when i'm joking i'm joking. I realized i was rude so i apologized. and i never apologize.
    whatever...i don't even care to respond. She's so stupid. Making fun of a person who has been overweight their entire life is like making fun of someone in a wheelchair. It's just not cool. I don't even know if she's truly sorry or if she's just saying it so I can go back to being her cheery bestfriend who's always there to lend an ear when nobody else wants to listen to her bull. She texted me and I'm just like ok whatever i don't care..i just really have to think about our entire friendship and if it's worth it anymore. This is the second time this has happened. Not about the weight but about the whole disrespecting and rude snappy condescending attitude when I don't deserve it thing. So i guess thats it..Third strike, YOU'RE OUT. If she does this one more time, just one more time then I will end our 8 year friendship just like that. The thing is I'm sooo easy...all it takes for me to take you back and forgive you is an apology. A REAL apology...not an "oops sorry i called you fat and made several rude comments throughout the week about what and how much you eat because you annoyed me and i never apologize to anybody so like yeah sorry"...uhh i mean does anybody see an apology in there??? All I see is an idiot realizing how stupid she is and trying to save face. We'll be fine in a week or so but I will never forget this. Like i said, just one more time, and she's out. I would be the idiot if I continued to let her belittle and disrespect me.
    Anyway I just got back from dancing with my boy-friends! My boy-friends are health freaks. Like ripped bodies, big arms, abs, all that stuff. They don't really pressure me to go to the gym and get fit. Actually one of them was surprised that i was losing weight at all. he didn't mean it in a bad way either. He meant he was proud that i was actually sticking to something and seeing results. I've known him since I was 9 when I was already chubby so I guess he's used to me being the chubby girl. but i was never pretty when i was younger. i was that ugly duckling nerd girl...fat ugly duckling nerd girl...eh. anyway when we were 15/16 i got to one of my lowest weight ever. Then of course when you lose weight everybody wants to be your friend. So i went out with my friends every week and ate like a normal kid would but guess what happened???...yeah you know it i gained all the weight I lost plus some...so when i was 17 I gained the weight i lost which was i think about 50 plus 60 more! so i gained 90+ lbs in one year...i didn't even realized i had gained so much weight until I got on a scale and freaked out because i told myself if i ever got to that weight i would kill myself...well you know not literally just being dramatic..but it happened i got to the weight a 17 year old should NEVER be. i was so upset. so i got on a diet and lost a good 50lbs on a weight loss program i paid at least 100 dollars a month for "supplies". i was on and off this program for 3 years. eventually i ran out of money and once the supplies were taken away i gained the weight back plus 20.
    At this point I was so frustrated about my weight. I figured i guess i'm just going to be fat my entire life or i can eat one carrot a day to get to a certain weight. so those were the two extremes i went back and forth with for a year before realizing it was getting me no where but either really hungry or disgustingly full because i would binge eat. stupid binges....I would sit there and eat cheeseburger after cheeseburger...i was just sooo hungry because for days i would eat close to nothing. I think about it now and realize that's probably the stupidest thing to do to yourself. So anyway my mom told me about gastric. we researched everything, went to seminars, talked to our insurance companies and it was just the worst thing to deal with! they wanted me on a diet for a year before they would let me do it and if i lost weight within that year there was a possibility the insurance company wouldn't let me do it because they can say "see you can lose weight you don't need the surgery". So a year i wasted time with that stupid gastric business. then that's when my mom found Dr. Ortiz and told me about the lap band surgery. I was a little cautious at first because i didn't want to get my hopes up if I couldn't get the surgery done. But it didn't happen that way and here I am today!
    I'm losing the weight slowly but once it comes off that weight is gone. Even if i was to go "bad" for a few days i wouldn't gain any weight back. it would simply maintain and i love that. But from now on i refuse to go "bad" ever again. i want to get to my goal weight without interruptions. i don't want to stall any longer. like i said, I want to live!
    i forgot to mention that the boys kept on talking about wanting a big juicy cheeseburger to indulge in. Then one was like I'm going to jack in the box and I looked at him like why?? its 3 in the morning and you're going to sleep! But that's just me being a health nut freak now. I haven't exercised yet but once I start up again i pretty sure i'm going to be lecturing everybody about eating fattening food and telling them they need to exercise. The other day i felt bad for this one guy because he's big and he was drinking soda for the caffeine to stay awake because he didn't get much sleep that day. I wanted to yell at him and tell him not to drink that soda if he was already tired! That stuff isn't going to do anything for you but shoot you up and then make you crash and burn in less time. Plus he's already really unhealthy because I know he doesn't exercise or eat right at all. but i figure I just need to take care of myself first before i go around being all self-righteous. lead by example.
  9. babymk

    again?!!

    By babymk,

    i'm stuck at the same weight!!! ugh!!!!!!!! AHhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i'm not going to get to my goal by my birthday if i plateau like this again!! i'm not even worried about thanksgiving because i've realized its not about eating its about being with loved ones and being thankful, not stuffing your face...anyway i'm uploading a pic from halloween and a new solo body shot from the side. people keep asking me how i'm losing weight and i'm like eat less, eat healthy and start moving. ha.
  10. babymk

    AHHHHHHHHHHH

    By babymk,

    AHHHHHHHHHHH OMGZ OMGZzzzz I lost 2 more lbs this morning so i'm officially out of that weight category that i have never been out ever when i was dieting around 17 years old!!!! i'm sooooooooooo happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
    i told my mom that i want to be the ideal weight for my height which is 130lbs. i asked her if she thinks that's unrealistic?? she said no so i'm going for it! yippeeeeeee
  11. babymk

    all i wanted was you

    By babymk,

    i've been having really REALLY bad sleeping and food habits lately. I've been waking up really late and staying up till morning. Then I've been eating hecka fast food. yesterday i didn't sleep till 9in the morning so i went to mcdonalds and got a breakfast meal complete with an extra sausage burrito. i haven't eaten mcdonalds in like over a year when i decided i was cutting fast food from my diet. i feel like crap. i don't know why i'm sabotaging myself. maybe because i feel stuck because i've been at the same weight for months and months...granted i haven't been doing much to continue losing the weight but i should know better that this isn't magic. i can't just expect to have a diet of candy, donuts and fast food and honestly expect to continue losing weight. AHHHH GET REAL MAL!
    so that miami guy texted me today. wow. i'm just going to be polite. maybe he's deciding whether or not he's going to follow my rules. if he does then great.
    i think me and gio are hitting the breaking point. all we ever do is fight. he always finds something to fight with me about and i usually say something like this "not fighting with you ttyl" or "I don't want to fight ttyl." he's always mad at me for something or another. if its not this its that. I just really can't do it anymore. he's always threatens to leave me and i'm so over it. at this point i'm like LEAVE THEN! at this point i could care less if he stays or not. because i'm not staying anymore. i'm not taking his crap anymore. my eyes are opening to the person he is. it really sucks because i love him so much. but now i know he will never love me as much as i love him. he doesn't know how to love. not me anyways...its kind of really pathetic because all i ever wanted was him. all i ever wanted was to be his friend. to be there for him and to love him. i would give him the moon if he asked for it..but i guess its just not enough for him
    moving on...
  12. babymk

    always up to no good...

    By babymk,

    so i'm kinda annoyed right now because in two weeks i only lost 1lb....1lb!!! AGHhh!! well i guess thats what i get because i've been eating string cheese and frozen yogurt, not getting in any vitamins or protein..and definitely not getting all my water in.. mehhh...
    i decided to go through all my clothes and throw away/donate anything larger than a size large. its best to live in the present and not in the past. i'm never going back so might as well start now.
    omgosh i'm so happy because i haven't eaten fast food in a whole month! i think i have more money because of it! actually i rarely spend money on food now only groceries. FAST FOOD FREE (FFF)!!!!! yippeeeee!!!
    so i know how much i weigh but lately i still feel huge. my clothes fit so much better and i'm wearing clothes i used to wear in hs when i was at my lowest but for some weird reason i feel like my fat is hanging out and i look really fat but i know i'm not. the other night i ate some chocolate and that night i had a nightmare i gained 20lbs back! it was the WORST!
    so i haven't really worked out..i'm just a lot more active. i walk as often as possible. if i'm at work, i'll walk on my breaks and lunches. if i'm at home i'll walk around my place or go for a walk outside. right now i feel like running up and down the stairs!! i've been feeling like that lately. like i just want to get up and do something...i guess i'm sort of restless right now. i want the weight gone and i want it gone now! i was hoping to lose 50lbs by december..i know that's a lot of weight but i really want to do it! i kind of made a mini goal/promise to myself that i was going to be at a certain weight by my 23rd birthday...i wouldn't want any presents or anything else.. or even anything for christmas just as long as i kept that promise to myself. that would be the best gift in the world!
  13. babymk
    so i'm only going to weigh myself on sundays and thursdays. they seem to be the days i actually get some results! so i was talking to one of my friends who also got the surgery done about how i hate that i'm not losing the weight fast enough. she tells me that mass weighs more than fat..i think..she continues with an analogy about how a basketball and golf ball weigh the same. the difference is that the basketball is full of air aka fat. she said it was obvious i was losing fat so she told me to keep doing what i was doing. so that gave me the confidence to keep on track no matter how discouraging that scale makes me feel. i know its not about what's on the scale either. it's about inches and how you feel. i feel great and i notice my clothes that i saved from 3/4 years ago when i weighed less, fit once again. during that time i was the same weight i am right now. i'm happy about that. i think i'm scared of not losing and staying at this weight or something and never getting to my goal. i really hope that doesn't happen because just thinking about it makes me want to cry. i've never been skinny in my whole entire life so just to have it for even one day i would die happy. i don't want to be fat my entire life..i don't want to be fat for even another year! i can't take it anymore. i don't want to lie to myself and say i'm happy being fat when i'm not. i can't truly be happy knowing that i'm excluded from certain activities or projects because of my weight. it's not fun to be limited by something you know you did to yourself. so i'm the only one to blame and the ONLY ONE to fix it. so with that said i'm going to go exercise now
  14. babymk

    appeal

    By babymk,

    hello! i'm feeling excellent! been on a super healthy working out going strong kind of high! i don't see myself stopping anytime soon. got into huge fight with gio but i'm done with him. he wants to go this time and guess what i'm not stopping him. nope not this time. there's no way this kid is going to bring me down this year. gave him 2 years of my life and he ruined every chance he got. my family hates him my friends hate him and he pretty much hates himself. not going to be his savior anymore, not going to be his crutch not going to be his punching bag. i deserve better and i FINALLY realize that. so happy i've gained my confidence back. you know the only reason i started drinking was because of him then i started drinking by myself because i didn't understand why he was so mean to me and all i did was love and care about him. i finally realized it's him not me with the problem! i'm done feeling guilt or sadness. he can go ruin and torture someone else. sick bastard can't believe i put up with his crap. well anyway that's the last time i talk about him.
    life is going to be real good from now on been working out for almost 2 weeks 6/7x a day, eating healthy getting plenty of rest no stress. i've pretty much cut out any bs especially people. if anybody gives me a hard time i just tell it like it is and move on or away from the person/situation and i don't look back. i don't have time nor do they deserve my time.
    planning a trip this summer with jeri to georgia to visit mario then road trip up to nyc to visit nico can't wait for the summer. this is MY year for sure i already know this. nothing is going to stop me from being one sexy little kitten in a gold bikini because i'm number one lol
    xo malinie
  15. babymk

    artificial

    By babymk,

    so for a minute i had thing for crystal light, but of course i'm not anymore because i read the ingredients. it contains aspartame which contains methanol which is an ingredient found in embalming fluid. but wow did it taste delicious. so i'm on the hunt for something to flavor my water minus the embalming fluid...ha. i found this thing called "zenergize" it's basically a supplement tablet. i got raspberry green tea flavor. it just gives the right amount of kick to my water.
    so my coworkers and friends are like so amazed by my weight loss. my one friend was like how much have you lost and i said 131lbs. he was like you're doing good. you look like a completely different person. he said i didn't look the same anymore and i was wondering what he meant. then i said was i really that obese before?? then he was like you want me to be real? and i said well yeah...then he was like yes you were. and i was like oh ok...i mean it doesn't really matter now but it's kind of annoying to think that's how people saw you. i mean of course they see you physically but i mean i'm more than just that. and the thing is people that knew me didn't see me just as the "fat girl". but to others that don't know me i guess i was just that fat girl...well technically i still am...i mean i still have 79lbs to lose and that's not a little. but compared to 100+ that's pretty much nothing right ha. My friend says I'm skinny now and i do not believe that at all. To be 79lbs from the weight you were meant to be is not skinny.
    so i found this weight chart, broken down by frame size, height, and sex.
    5'5" - 117-130 / 127-141 / 137-155
    so i guess i'm about 69-79lbs away from being healthy. which is a great GREAT accomplishment from being 131lbs overweight before. i just got really happy because i can't believe i'm actually doing it. the band was probably the best thing and smartest thing i have ever done in my life. but i hate when people find out. they make me feel like i "cheated". cheated HA! I could have not used my band at all. i could have kept stuffing my face with the wrong foods and not lose any weight or lose minimally. my friend also got the band maybe 4 months after me or so i'm not sure but she wasn't that far behind from me. anyway our weight loss difference has been significant. everybody can physically see my weight loss. it's kind of a dramatic difference but my friend's its sorta like oh you lost some weight but nothing as "dramatic" as mine. i've realized it's because she has not changed her eating habits. everybody constantly asks me how are you losing weight and i'm like fix what you eat. it's all about the foods you put into your body. if you eat junk your body will be exactly that, junk. well ha exception the boys in life. they eat everything disgustingly bad for them and it's like it just flushes out of their system! ANNOYING. especially gio ugh how frustrating! he will sit there and eat fast food before a modeling shoot and he's just like whatever normal. but you really can't eat that forever it will catch up with you in the long run. gio is just really active. he's always running around town doing something so he can eat like that without a hitch.
    speaking of gio..he went to see some psychic card reader lady last night and she told him i was in love with him and that i'm angry because i didn't receive affection in my life from my father. HAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA what a load of crock. i love gio but i am definitely not in love with him. he is a huge disaster and we have nothing in common well other than the fact that we understand and care about each other immensely, like family. my feelings are very strong. i'm dramatic and extremely intense. i wish i wasn't because people mistake it for insanity hahahaaa! but anyway when my feelings come out they're so strong that people misinterpret them for something that it's not. like gio thinking i'm in love with him when that's not the case. i'm into alternative music and lots of underground things. and he's all mainstream and prep. I actually like to read and enjoy intellectual endeavors and he has no patience for books only car magazines. i mean seriously now. he is far too shallow for me and i can't stand him most days. he's always grouchy and/or saying something rude. why would i ever be in love with someone like that? if i ever was, trust me, i'm quickly falling out of love.
    and affection from my father....my father was a mess he had a huge alcoholic problem and loved his alcohol more than his family. my mom being the smartest and most loving mom ever said you know what that's not what i want for my children to grow up with a man who rather drink his life away. Do i feel like i'm missing out? no. am i angry at my mother for taking us away from a man who didn't know what the word father meant? no. i am unbelievably grateful towards her. am i angry that i didn't receive affection from a fatherly figure? ehh maybe but not really. the way life worked out i think it was meant to be and i'm not angry about the past . you can't change the past so why be upset about it in your present which would only mess up your future.
    also that psychic said something about me being angry with my mother as well for not showing enough affection. BAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i'm just not a mushy gushy person. my mom knew that about me as a child and as an adult. my mom is wayyy affectionate but i hate it. i hate the "smothering" because i'm so independent. as a child i hated being "the child". i wanted to be an adult so bad. i hated being treated like i didn't understand when i understood completely. when i was about 12 years old we went to germany to visit my family and my aunt was always like the "kinder" (means children in german) need to be over there. and i was like AHHH i'm not a child!! stop treating me like i can't walk across the street without getting hit by a bus! i can look both ways and move my legs to get across the street thank you very much!
    you know what made me really angry was the implication that because i didn't "receive affection" i was not loved. that i don't feel loved enough and thus far am an angry bitter person and my mother is a bad mother. do you know how much it infuriates me to no end when someone talks or implies vicious lies against my mother. my cousin said something awful about my mother and i still have not fully forgave her. it has been a year. so if gio thinks implying my mother does not love me he will not know what wrath is until he gets a taste of mine. nobody talks bad about my mother. nobody.
    anyway this morning when gio picked me up i was trying to explain everything i had felt and analyzed that night when i was by myself. actually i had gone to the gym and jogged on the treadmill nonstop for 10 minutes then walked 20 but fast pace of course. so i had time to clear my mind and really think about what this psychic was saying about me. anyway i told gio i was not in love with him. and he got a bit angry because he said you admitted to it last night why are you trying to lie now. i said because i'm not. my feelings are being misconstrued. i don't clearly understand them myself so who are you to say that you know how i feel when i don't even know how i feel? so i analyzed the situation and i am clearly not in love with him. at first i was highly infatuated with him but now it's turning into something more steady, stable, and comfortable. the psychic told him that deep down inside i was in love with him. and yes he is in the core of my heart because of all he has done for me. he has made me a better person simply by just being him. i'm in love with that. i'm in love with him for making me finally love myself. i get it now. but i'm not going to tell him that because he wouldn't get it. he just thinks i'm in love with him and want to marry him like some crazed obsessed fanatic ha. i think he likes the idea of me being "in love" with him because when i tried to tell him i was not he was getting so angry. then he would say things like ha i just caught you staring at me you are so in love with me and i was like hahahahaa you're such a loser! anyway i'm over this.
  16. babymk

    Aware

    By babymk,

    yesssss 1pound lost today!!! and all it took was me to eat a plate of 7layer bean dip and chips, cup of noodles, 2 cups of juice, dark chocolate...see basically nothing but junk and i lost weight?!!! and i only ate all that food because i was at work. i think i emotional eat at work because i hate HATE it there...i'm just over it and i don't want to be there anymore. but i'm too comfortable to quit and get another job because i have "seniority" and i'm not going to find another job that pays that much for doing nothing..well i mean i work but its just so tedious and same old same old that i think i'm just bored, real bored.
    anyway last night i was dancing for like 2 hours straight. so maybe that's why i finally broke through the plateau. Jake looked at me and said "you have lost so much weight since the last time i saw you it's disgusting!" hahaaaaa and i was like you saw me a week ago jake and he was like well yeah but still you lost so much weight..you know people tell you how much you lose and how good you look and i appreciate it but there's still something in the back of my mind that says its not enough yet. i'm not there yet..it's like yes thank you for the compliment but you're just like i still have so much to lose...i mean yeah i can fit into "normal" clothes now and my measurements are real good but i just want that scale to match. i want it to say that i am just right for my height and weight. i want it to tell me i'm normal. ugh is that weird or sick?? i mean if i had a 24 inch waist and the scale said 150 would i think i'm still fat???? i hope not. i hope i don't have some kind of weird body/mind delusion. no i don't. i know what's healthy. and my measurements are still high so i kind of said whichever comes first..the goal weight or goal measurements. if the goal measurements don't match up with the goal weight then that probably means i need to cut something off like excess fat or skin. i'm noticing my thighs are not tightening up. well i haven't really been working on them so maybe i should but still if i have to cut off that flabby skin fat I WILL. :lol:
    so lately gio is constantly commenting on when, what, and how much i eat. it's so infuriating but i know he's doing it to make me aware of what i'm eating. i know what i'm eating but sometimes i just want a bostom creme filled dunkin donut! he's like "i thought you were on a diet! i thought you wanted to lose weight!???!!!!" and i'm just like "i'm not on a diet! it's FOREVER! and people sometimes occasionally eat donuts OKAY!!!!!?!!!!!" but then of course he looked at me disapprovingly, mumbled whatever, and walked away from me. needless to say i didn't get the donut. the other day we were at chipotle and all i wanted was the chips with salsa so he got me that and i ate the entire thing. then i ate some frozen yogurt with a bunch of toppings. so gio goes "omg i can't believe you ate all of that..and that was your third meal of the day already too" and it was only like 3 in the afternoon.and i was like uhhhh ..i felt gross. remember when i was pissed at jeri last summer because she kept making comments like that..well i mean she was right. i was eating way too much and now i'm eating wayy too much again. i really need to watch myself because everytime i'm around friends i eat whatever they eat but the thing is they don't have weight problems so they can eat whatever they want. especially gio..he eats so much and the worst food ever but he's so skinny. when we go out to eat we split the item with each other which is really good. then he makes sure i get the smallest size for whatever is i'm eating. but i think he feels bad because he brought me donuts this morning and i was like i don't want those donuts, i wanted that donut, that night, right at that moment. so obviously the "temptation", "moment" was gone and i don't want it anymore.
    anyway i'm going to get the fill this week for sure.
    oh yeah my cousin is getting married in september and i'm one of the bridesmaid anyway everybody ordered dresses from jcrew and they didn't have the dress i wanted or in my size so i ended up getting some random dress in a size 10 which was the only one available. so now i have 7 months to fit into a size 10 dress. measurements are M/10 37½-30-40 which are exactly my goal measurements. well actually i would prefer to be S/6 35½-28-38, but i guess we'll see. i told my cousin that i'm still losing weight so i don't know how i'm going to look in september. so i figure getting the size 10 dress was the most logical thing to do. i know i can fit into that dress by september no doubt as long as i stop eating chipotle chips and frozen yogurt right?!!
    here's a link to the dress that i'm wearing.
    http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrows...42358/78055.jsp
  18. babymk

    balloons!

    By babymk,

    yessss 2lbs! i'm ECSTATIC! this is super wonderful! so 25 more lbs to lose by birthday/new year's goal! i think i can do this. yes i will do this!
    also about gio it's all good. he can do whatever it doesn't bother me or affect my life one bit. i know where i'm going and what i'm doing so yeah. yeah so what he knows about my weight loss goals and how much i weigh..i mean that just makes me a better person for trying to eat right and get in shape instead of being obese and dying of heart attack at the age of 30 or something. and so what if he knows of my weird obsessive crush on him he's gay anyways so he doesn't care really plus its all really stupid. and so what if he knows i spend all my money and never save anything because i'm impulsive and spoiled. OH WELL. but i'm trying to change all of that, that's why i wrote about it in the first place. my diary is more like a to do list. i think everybody writes stuff down as a way to release and figure out how they can fix it if it's not going the way you want it to.
    oh yeah i forgot to mention i got into a car accident the other day or so and my car is going into the shop for several weeks totaling 3500 dollars worth of damage...the accident was definitely not my fault, some random blue car tried to get in my lane when obviously i was still in the lane! so i had to brake and swerve so he wouldn't hit me and there goes the side of my car. anyway i'm really happy because i'm getting every little dent and scratch fixed so my car is going to look brand new! its barely 3 years old but other drivers have not been kind to me on the road..ok so maybe i didn't always have the best judgment but whatever.
    i need to eat more vegetables.
    i was thinking about surgery you know like tummy tucks and such..well i honestly don't think i'm going to need it. i really don't think my skin is going to be so loose and saggy off my frame that i'm going to have to surgically remove it. but maybe i will because i've been big most of my life. but i do exercise so that should help. plus i'm 22 so really now.. but i'm exactly the weight i am now when i was 16. ha weird..i can sorta remember how my body was at this weight and that age and i could have swore some skin was tighter than others hmmm.. nevermind i just looked at some pictures, i look the same except i was tan and i went to the gym everyday. but now i don't work out in the gym everyday and i'm definitely not tan. so i'm just going to start working out again. i kinda stopped working out like in the summer, don't know why really guess i didn't need the extra endorphins because i was already happy. yeah i only work out like serious cardio when i'm severely upset about something. but it shouldn't be that way. i should work out because its the best thing you can do for yourself.
  19. babymk

    best interest..

    By babymk,

    so me and mom went to breakfast together for mother's day! i got her some clothes and i made her a card. yep, MADE! it took me all day to make too. I'll scan it soon so I can show it. I drew it and everything. it's really nice i impressed myself..anyway mom really wants to go to Hawaii. I was like ooooOO let's go then! she goes yes we will when you get to your goal weight that's your incentive. i was like haha how weird with the incentives lately...
    i love it because i just keep on losing weight and it's just super amazing! so gio made a bet with me, a sucker bet obviously..he said that he doesn't believe i can be 160lbs by the end of the year...HAHAHAAAAAAA are you kidding me?! i could lose 30 lbs in two months if i really tried and he's going to give me 7 months to do it! hahaha and i thought he was smart...we bet 150 dollars and the loser will pay up. so that's my incentive from gio..money! oh yeah and also proving him DEAD WRONG.
    anyway gio and i made up well sorta..we're being really distant and indifferent towards each other . It's bothering me a little bit, but it's getting to that point that I'm just really like whatever dude do what you want. like i'm tired of it. it's the same old same old with him and i'm really like ugh just go away then if you dislike me so much. like i don't even know why we're friends because he doesn't even like me. like he's so nice and sweet to diana and he treats me like a dog. and i'm so tired of feeling like second best. i mean all i wanted from the beginning was him and i have him but not the way it should be. like why can't he just be nice to me and not go on his mean streak with his cruel words and discerning looks. he makes me feel so low when i'm around him, like i'm not good enough or that i'm doing something wrong like all the time. and it's so ironic because i know i'm good enough and i know i don't do anything wrong. it's all him. i don't want to sound like i'm all that or what not but i have lots of friends, i mean people always want to be my friend. and he knows that! every person he introduces me to instantly likes me more than they like him! and i end up being their friend way after he's done with them. i don't know if that drives him crazy or if he likes it. i think its both. like you admire it but you're also jealous of it. it's also funny because he's always like trying to toot his own horn like he's like i'm so perfect i never lose at anything blah blah blah and i'm like gio please shut up like you're so lame if you have to toot your own horn...it's pathetic. people that know they are all that do not speak of it, they're always humble and grateful. they don't need to go out of their way to be like i'm better than you. i think he needs to grow up and get real.
    so last night we all go out like usual but i guess diana is out of school now so she can come out which is cool i mean i like her but i just don't like the way gio treats me when she's around. i'm invisible and once again second best or rather not even best...because i'm invisible remember. so we took separate cars and everything. like i said we're being really distant and indifferent towards each other. so anyway i decided to just be like well i'm not going to be hanging out with him then and treat him exactly how he makes me feel. so i hung out with everybody else but him last night. he tried to make me jealous by being super super touchy sweet nicey nicey to diana and i was like HAHAHAAAA stupid idiot! like it mattered anyway because i was having the time of my life dancing with every other guy friend of mine! i was laughing up a storm with mario MY BFFE! sooooo guess what he does today..he texts mario and goes "omg did you see how jealous she was last night and acting all pouty" then mario was like "um no i didn't notice, she was surrounded all night by guys so i think she was preoccupied"...HAHAHAAAA then mario said that gio was just like "ohh.." and tried to laugh it off like whatever. HAHAHAAAA seriously what an idiot! like who does that?! how was i soooo jealous and pouty when the whole night all i did was dance and laugh with my friends???! i mean is he not only delusional but blind as well?! he's just trying to make himself feel better. sooo lame...
    anyway i really don't care anymore. i'm really good to giovanni, like really good to him. i'll help him clean his room all day. i'll help him run errands, return merchandise for him, get him food when he's hungry, i'll iron his jeans for him and lint roll them on top of that! i take care of him when he's sick or feeling bad. I'm always sweet and very understanding to him. i'm never unpleasant to be around unless of course he upsets me but even that i just remain silent but i'm not rude. i'm always there for him, no matter what. but he doesn't appreciate me so if he wants to go then by all means please go. it would probably be in my best interest for him to leave. anyway i just need me. i'm losing weight and im sooo close to my goal weight it's just so amazing! like i should be so happy and only caring about myself, not worrying about who likes me or who doesn't. i mean in the end it doesn't matter, the only thing is what makes you happy. if it doesn't make you happy then it needs to go! so here's to me and ridding myself of negativity! yayaya!
  20. babymk

    bom bom dee da dum

    By babymk,

    so um i fell off the wagon...i couldn't help myself! it was mario's fault! he had these chips and he was waving it my face and i just went gimme gimme and well...here's the thing i'm not mad at myself. i figure i need to give myself some room to be "bad". i mean everyone has a bad day and i'm not going to beat myself up over it. i'm losing weight and i'm keeping it off, so that right there is a huge accomplishment. because of the lap band i know i will never put it back on. i know there are chances even with the band, that i could put the weight back on but i know better then to do that. i just have my days where i need a salty/sweet fix. anyway i'm changing my weight loss goal to something higher because i think the number i picked is too low even though its "ideal". i want to make my own ideal. so as i continue to lose weight and get smaller i'll see what happens to my body. then i'll decide then if i want to go lower or stay at a certain weight because i like the way my body looks. with that said i'm getting a fill in august. visiting my family in san diego is always the best!
    and that's a picture of us when we took the kids out the day before july 4th. it's me, my sister, mario's niece, and then mario. i love that picture its so amusing. i have a video too but i don't think we can upload videos on here. too bad it's sooo funny
  21. babymk

    bring it

    By babymk,

    -Lost 4lbs
    -i can't believe i only have 50ish more lbs to lose before i'm normal.
    -i love how people ask me oh how much more weight do you want to lose and I'll say 50 and they just go OH NO you want to be a toothpick or something?! and i just laugh then they tell me just 25 that's it. obviously they don't know how much i weigh. most people think i weigh 150, max probably 170. i just tell them i need to weigh what's healthy for my height, which is honestly the truth.
    -i still can't fit into my bridesmaid dress. i have one month and i'm a bit worried. it just won't zip in the chest area! and i'm really small on top! it's making me nervous...
    -got the p90x. starting today, actually right now after i get done typing this
    -i decided to do the intense fitness workout because i really don't want anymore surgery. I really don't think I should have too much of a problem with excess skin as long as I can really tighten it up. I mean I did a week of nothing but squats and my thighs tightened up real quick, but then of course i stopped and they got all jiggly again. So maybe if i just exercise everything will tighten up on its own and i won't have to get surgery. especially with this p90x
    -wish me luck
  22. babymk
    me and gio just got back from california we were in san diego then decided to drive to LA! yessss i love LA. i so want to live there! it was lots of fun! i worked out in the fitness room for the hotel. walked and jogged on the treadmill for 40 minutes, 2.2miles, and burned 200+ calories or so the machine says i was going to go swimming in the pool but everybody decided to go out to the pool so i was like uh nevermind. anyways i've been spending all my money on new smaller sized clothes of course but its getting me in trouble because i can't stop and i know i shouldn't be spending money on clothes i know aren't going to fit in like a couple of months. all my old shirts are so baggy on me and they look old but i barely just bought them a couple months ago...how annoying..
    anyway gio thinks that its going to take me at least 2/3 years to lose the last 84lbs of my weight and i laughed so hard. because i was like noway! the most its going to take is october, the most.. but it definitely will not take me 2/3 years to lose 84lbs. hahaa what a silly boy..but i think he says stuff like that to push me because he knows that telling me i can't do something and/or challenging me really pushes my buttons so he knows that doing that will make me even more determined to prove him wrong because that's what we do. but i think sometimes we push each other so hard that we just lose control of our feelings and go insane. we basically wanted to kill each other this weekend. i would be infuriated with him and he would try to calm me down. then he would be infuriated with me and i would try to calm him down. when i say "infuriated" i mean INFURIATED..like screaming, hitting and threats to hitch hike across town to get away from each other. i don't even know why we're friends???! we hate each other... :lol: :lol: we fight like family like a bitter rivalry but after everything is said and done we're always going to be together forever. i love him
    i have a blister on the ball of my foot because when i worked out i only had flats not proper running shoes. i mean i didn't know i was going to be exercising so next time i'm bringing sneakers. anyway i think just starting up the whole exercising thing will start up my weight loss process again. its still slowing down but i think thats because i haven't been sticking to a healthy meal plan. i just kind of eat whatever but its not gross/fat food its just regular food, but i know i should be sticking with salads, fresh fruit, and lean protein. so i think my body just wants me to start exercising again or something to boost up my metabolism and start my heart pumping. it felt really good to sweat when i was exercising. the rush and boost of endorphins...i forgot that feeling and how much i love it. i wish this blister would go away eh
  23. babymk

    bum bum be-dum

    By babymk,

    i lost 1lb... ANNOYING. i was hoping to be in a certain weight range by now. this is driving me insane! i think i'm going to go run outside for a while to fight off my restlessness. i don't care if everyone stares at me either. for some weird reason i've been craving soup, like only soup, nothing else. who craves soup? normal cravings would include junk food or whatever but i'm sitting here craving soup..i think i might go get some
  24. babymk

    Cake

    By babymk,

    I just got back from attending a birthday party and dancing all night with my main bestestboy-friend Of course there was birthday cake at the party and man did I really want to just stick my face in it to indulge! #-o I didn't I just smooshed the fork around on the plate. I think the motion of picking up a fork and moving it around on plate was comforting enough for me. Whoa...I think that sounded really weird???...but in a way it satisfied me just to do that and not eat the cake. There was salsa and dip too. It looked really good. I kept staring at it thinking to myself, 'one chip isn't going to hurt...maybe just tonight'...then i stopped. I cursed myself for trying to convince myself that it was ok to eat some chips and dip when I knew that was the last thing I wanted to do. In the end, I didn't eat that either. I'm very proud of myself. Finally! I know now this is the year I will get to a good healthy weight, and finally be a regular girl. I just want to be able to go anywhere and do anything. I don't want my weight to be an issue. If I want to go to a theme park, I don't want to think "am I going to fit on the ride?" If I were to go with friends on tropical get-a-way i don't want to be the only one completely covered up on the beach because I'm embarrassed of my body. It's things like that, that make me feel like I'm a prisoner within my own body. I want so badly to be free.
    Speaking of tropical get-a-way, my friends want to go on a 5 day cruise to Mexico. But what do you think is the first thing that popped into my mind when I was invited? "I'm going to look pretty stupid tanning with a t-shirt on when everybody is in bathing suits..." Then my friends are going to think I'm super weird for not owning a bathing suit or getting into the pool. Eh I don't know, I'm working on it
  25. babymk

    can you fast forward

    By babymk,

    -i broke my hand. it's going to take 6 weeks to heal. i feel off a scooter, vespa, to be correct. gio was trying to teach me how to drive it while we were in miami. i got scared, stopped accelerrating in the middle of a turn and splat..i guess i landed on my hand in just that angle to cause a fracture.
    -other than that miami was so relaxing of course when i wasn't fighting with giovanni the clearest waters and whitest sands and the warmest weather ever! oh yes we're going back on the 11th for another week.
    -i'm thinking of heading to hawaii for my birthday this yr. alone. i'm kinda serious, but i'm sure when people find out they're gonna be like wah wahh i wanna go so i guess sure why not
    -as of right now i'm in sf hanging with jeri and her 5 roommates! i love it! i'm not even joking. it's so much fun living with a bajillion girls. it's like a 24/7 sleep over yay! i've been here for over a week and have to leave thrus and i don't want to but i guess i have to do laundry and repack for miami
    -oh yea i kinda quit my job of 3 1/2 yrs because i was pretty much over it. and it was the best thing i have ever done for myself! it was kinda sad because my boss really loves me and he was about to cry. i was like ron its ok its a beginning not and ending. he was like yeah i know i don't know why you even stayed here for so long and i was like right me too! hahaaa
    -halloween was sooooo much fun! mario and jake came to sf and we partied all night it was awesome! jake and i have been sorta on the outs but when we all hung out again it was like nothing changed..yay!
    -i really love indian food. naan is the best!
    -i have a date this wednesday with an sf guy..how weird..i never get dates. guys never ask me out..but lately i can't stop getting asked out or stopped in the streets by some guy asking for my number
    -well anyways pics to come! check out my album to see them k bye!
    love,
    Mal <333
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